Background: male, Bipolar I, OCD, struggle with keeping a job (currently no job), recently lost a long-term girlfriend, sensitive person
I have been planning an attempt (and have resources for it), but as of the last couple of days, I've seen some "hope."
Yesterday at church, I was helping our pastor's wife load her car. We hadn't talked in a while, and she doesn't know about my plans, but she hugged me and looked at me square in the eyes and said "The world needs you." I've been told that I don't have much of a poker face, especially around my bipolar depression. Maybe she knew.
Ever since, I've been doing subconscious things to help myself again - applying for jobs, getting interviews, looking on the bright side.
The truth is: I've been getting healthier, mental health-wise. I've held down the previous two jobs I had for over a year, which had not been the case before that. I actually *had* a girlfriend and held her down longer than any I've ever had.
However: I've had a manic episode (psychotic ones) every year since 2014, usually in winter. Each time I have one, I lose my job or have to resign. I wind up in a psych hospital for months in various programs, and accumulate thousands in debt. I'm so very tired of all the cycling. Each time the hospital bills go up and get more expensive. Each time I've also learned more about the meds, my diagnosis has been refined, and I've learned more about myself. I've also become so worn and tired of it all.
I want to kill myself if this cycle happens again. I can't handle another hospitalization, another lost job. I can't handle the strain this puts on my family.
I don't know if I should end it before it happens again, or wait and see if it does/doesn't.
Just needed a place to vent and get feedback.
I have been planning an attempt (and have resources for it), but as of the last couple of days, I've seen some "hope."
Yesterday at church, I was helping our pastor's wife load her car. We hadn't talked in a while, and she doesn't know about my plans, but she hugged me and looked at me square in the eyes and said "The world needs you." I've been told that I don't have much of a poker face, especially around my bipolar depression. Maybe she knew.
Ever since, I've been doing subconscious things to help myself again - applying for jobs, getting interviews, looking on the bright side.
The truth is: I've been getting healthier, mental health-wise. I've held down the previous two jobs I had for over a year, which had not been the case before that. I actually *had* a girlfriend and held her down longer than any I've ever had.
However: I've had a manic episode (psychotic ones) every year since 2014, usually in winter. Each time I have one, I lose my job or have to resign. I wind up in a psych hospital for months in various programs, and accumulate thousands in debt. I'm so very tired of all the cycling. Each time the hospital bills go up and get more expensive. Each time I've also learned more about the meds, my diagnosis has been refined, and I've learned more about myself. I've also become so worn and tired of it all.
I want to kill myself if this cycle happens again. I can't handle another hospitalization, another lost job. I can't handle the strain this puts on my family.
I don't know if I should end it before it happens again, or wait and see if it does/doesn't.
Just needed a place to vent and get feedback.
