nevernotsleepy
Member
- Dec 11, 2024
- 5
I have struggled with suicidal ideation pretty much my whole life. Suicide is on my mind constantly. I've tried to recover in the past. I just started dating this girl (~1 month now), she's perfect, but she has no clue I am suicidal and I am terrified of ever telling her. I've had panic attacks in front of her, sobbed in front of her, told her about my homophobic family (that would kick me out of the house and stop paying for my school if they found out about me and her) and she takes it all so well. The past couple weeks my mental health has tanked, I've started self harming again, and I can't keep food down, I am very depressed. All day today I struggled to text her back because I felt so guilty about being so depressed and her having no idea. Now I'm wondering, do I break up with her or tell her I'm suicidal and risk her 1) being scared off 2) telling my family 3) feeling like she has to stay with me out of guilt/for my sake. I feel like my mental health has reached a point where I am being a bad girlfriend and she deserves better. I don't think she understands the baggage I come with and to put that on anyone feels wrong to me. I think I owe it to her to break up with her, but we're so happy. We haven't been able to see eachother irl in a few weeks and she texts me she misses me, she showers me in compliments, she talks about the Christmas gift she got me. I get to see her irl again in a few days. I am kind of dreading it because I think she will catch on to me being upset. Is it reasonable to break up with someone because my mental health is so in the toilet? If I do should I be honest and tell her I can't be in a relationship right now because I am too depressed or lie to her? I'm so lost.