NSFW Suicidal over Abusive ex

[Yume Nikki]

My ex was an abusive avoidant asshole and yet I have no idea why I still miss him after being dumped.

He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at a mental hospital and refused therapy/meds. After being discharged, he often rejected his diagnosis and had this belief that the doctors were lying to him for money, claiming that they were making him feel worse than usual.

When we started dating, he started having violent outbursts towards his parents and often blamed them for all of his problems. Including sending him to three different facilities and even recording their arguments together to paint himself as a victim. I didn't know what to do at this point because I was genuinely scared that he'd snap one day, but I tried to convince him that they were simply trying to get him help, often refusing my advice. It came to an extreme point where he even falsely accused his dad of being a pedo and locked him out of the house to prevent him from getting inside, not even letting me get the chance to speak to either his mom or dad to get to know him better.

He claimed that his entire family was jealous of his success, bragging about being Tiktok famous and having 25 million dollars despite not having any fame or fortune. (Might've been one of his delusions but I am unsure) he exhibited narcissistic traits as well, saying he'd reject me if I had hit on him too soon, or that I was 'lucky' enough to be dating him. (Even bragged about girls dming him on instagram despite them being bots, lol..)

when I confessed I was bi because I wanted to be honest with him before entering a relationship, he offered a threesome in which we would kick the third one out after the deed was done, I felt hurt and disgusted at his statement, thinking he was joking at the time.

He even used his ex-gf's credit card to buy himself food from ubereats without her permission. There'd be endless arguments of him going back and forth with his parents of him demanding money from them to fuel his drug addiction. Mind you, this guy was well off in his life, growing up in an upper-middle-class neighborhood and never had to work to get trips to the Dominican Republic, Greece, and several US states.

There was a moment in which he told me to get away from him after I tried to give him a hug, and so I was just considering leaving at that point, to which he convinced me to stay for some reason. I have no idea why...

He also lived an avoidant-attachment lifestyle. He would go around 4-5 days without calling or texting me, and majority of the time, I had to be the one to initiate a convo either through dms or messages because he never made an effort, even after improving mental-health wise, he was still pretty emotionally unavailable. My theory is that he just can't commit or doesn't see women as people. (Called them distractions one time during a convo we had and got over his ex gf pretty fast after dating her for three years.)

After awhile, he did improve and I think his mania went away finally. He stopped taking drugs, didn't argue with his family anymore, didn't engage in reckless behavior, and we were in harmony next few months of early spring. Those days were pretty calm and peaceful, but then he became distant in early October to November, and eventually discarded me after he got better. Even with all the help and support I tried to give him, he still didn't want me and I'm left here trying to figure out why he was the way he is, and if this is truly bipolar, narcissism or something else... I don't know anymore. All I know is that love isn't real and I think I'm ready to off myself at some point to forget the memories I made with him.

If anyone knows how to come up with a plan, let me know, but since my fear of death is relatively high, it's difficult to determine if I am willing to go through with it or not.

 

[Namelesa]

I am sorry for what you went tho. Relationships especially abusive ones can traumatize you. I understand the feeling of missing someone even if they were bad for you, we can just so desperate for someone to love us that we allow people to mistreat us. That break up must been so devastating after all you went through and tried help him. Know he has his own mental problems that you are not responsible for nor should help him with. You deserve better.

I don't really have advice for recovery as I don't know myself how to recover from break ups but if you want to find a ctb method then go through this:

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[PianoGoat]

Holy shit...
How did you even find the patience to stay with him...
The fact you've loved him so much despite everything he did to you, the fact that you STILL miss him, everything just points to the fact he totally manipulated you the whole time.
If you, a literal soldier, were just a "distraction" for him, i cannot imagine a person like that.
I swear to god he could be the best person in the world but everything you wrote in here just points to the fact he is complete and utter trash.
I'm sorry because i bet bad experiences were mixed with good ones, but no person should ever go through that...
Do you realize a relationship is supposed to be love? Respect? Communication?
I get he was bipolar but that isn't an excuse to bring somebody to the point of considering to commit suicide.
This guy walked all over you and when he got "better" he totally discarded you.
Does it sound like he did get better?
It sounds like he just was a narcissist until the end.
In my opinion love is real, and i am 100% sure you will find it. But recognize the signals of narcissism AT THAT LEVEL, and trust me, even if you were the most disgusting, most mean, most inhuman person in the world (which you quite obviously are not, judging by how loving, caring, and patient you are) you would never deserve that.
And you want me to be honest? this might hurt but i think he wouldve done this to any girl who got with him.
These kind of people just want to have somebody below them. Somebody they can be better than, just to feel better. And oooh hell i've met so many of them.
I've had an awful situation (sa) when i was 14 with my first girlfriend.
I spent months after she broke up with me thinking that since i was the male it was my fault if she was unsatisfied with me.

Basically, short story, my ex was bipolar and went to therapy. For some reason she (13!) was obsessed with having sex with me (i was a year older than her) since the first month we were together.
I was a kid going through puberty, obviously i had those desires, but i was mature enough to see that she literally was threatening to kill herself and blame me if i didnt gave her what she wanted. I did things forcing myself to, thinking it was love and that i HAD to do it to show her that i loved her.
One day she was set on having penetrative sex with me and basically got on top of me and forced me to. I was so afraid that i didn't say no but i ended up stopping midway because i was crying and ran away.
She later attempted suicide.
Failed but i got traumatized for life since then.
She ruined the whole idea of sex for me, she ruined my view of love, she seriously broke me.

Yet now, after over five years of this, i barely can remember her face. I mean sure, this happened to me but... i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

She didn't love ME, she just wanted somebody to do "that" with, and it so happened that i was so weak to get manipulated that way.

I personally think your situation is similar.
You shouldn't push yourself down at all, you are not the problem. You did absolutely NOTHING wrong and i bet you're a fantastic person.

Tell me if im wrong or if you think otherwise, i just really felt like saying this though, maybe i'm wrong.
Anyways seriously take care alright?
Between this and all of the other posts you've made you really seem tired of living being lied to and getting taken advantage of, but i can assure you that with the passing of time this will become just a bad memory, a bad dream.
So i'd say you should still give life a chance, expecially because a narcissistic shit (i apologize, i shouldn't judge, BUT...) doesnt get to decide if you are worth living or not.

I know i was a bit too direct, but if you're considering suicide, i feel like you need to hear this too.

 

[Yume Nikki]

Holy shit...
How did you even find the patience to stay with him...
The fact you've loved him so much despite everything he did to you, the fact that you STILL miss him, everything just points to the fact he totally manipulated you the whole time.
If you, a literal soldier, were just a "distraction" for him, i cannot imagine a person like that.
I swear to god he could be the best person in the world but everything you wrote in here just points to the fact he is complete and utter trash.
I'm sorry because i bet bad experiences were mixed with good ones, but no person should ever go through that...
Do you realize a relationship is supposed to be love? Respect? Communication?
I get he was bipolar but that isn't an excuse to bring somebody to the point of considering to commit suicide.
This guy walked all over you and when he got "better" he totally discarded you.
Does it sound like he did get better?
It sounds like he just was a narcissist until the end.
In my opinion love is real, and i am 100% sure you will find it. But recognize the signals of narcissism AT THAT LEVEL, and trust me, even if you were the most disgusting, most mean, most inhuman person in the world (which you quite obviously are not, judging by how loving, caring, and patient you are) you would never deserve that.
And you want me to be honest? this might hurt but i think he wouldve done this to any girl who got with him.
These kind of people just want to have somebody below them. Somebody they can be better than, just to feel better. And oooh hell i've met so many of them.
I've had an awful situation (sa) when i was 14 with my first girlfriend.
I spent months after she broke up with me thinking that since i was the male it was my fault if she was unsatisfied with me.

Basically, short story, my ex was bipolar and went to therapy. For some reason she (13!) was obsessed with having sex with me (i was a year older than her) since the first month we were together.
I was a kid going through puberty, obviously i had those desires, but i was mature enough to see that she literally was threatening to kill herself and blame me if i didnt gave her what she wanted. I did things forcing myself to, thinking it was love and that i HAD to do it to show her that i loved her.
One day she was set on having penetrative sex with me and basically got on top of me and forced me to. I was so afraid that i didn't say no but i ended up stopping midway because i was crying and ran away.
She later attempted suicide.
Failed but i got traumatized for life since then.
She ruined the whole idea of sex for me, she ruined my view of love, she seriously broke me.

Yet now, after over five years of this, i barely can remember her face. I mean sure, this happened to me but... i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

She didn't love ME, she just wanted somebody to do "that" with, and it so happened that i was so weak to get manipulated that way.

I personally think your situation is similar.
You shouldn't push yourself down at all, you are not the problem. You did absolutely NOTHING wrong and i bet you're a fantastic person.

Tell me if im wrong or if you think otherwise, i just really felt like saying this though, maybe i'm wrong.
Anyways seriously take care alright?
Between this and all of the other posts you've made you really seem tired of living being lied to and getting taken advantage of, but i can assure you that with the passing of time this will become just a bad memory, a bad dream.
So i'd say you should still give life a chance, expecially because a narcissistic shit (i apologize, i shouldn't judge, BUT...) doesnt get to decide if you are worth living or not.

I know i was a bit too direct, but if you're considering suicide, i feel like you need to hear this too.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that traumatic experience at such a young age, my ex also pressured me into intercourse during our relationship and I felt so much pain afterwards that it traumatized me. I think I'll take this situation as a learning experience and try to understand what happened. I never understood why he begged me to stay just to leave one day out of nowhere without warning, but I guess it was his way of controlling me somehow. And yes, I believe he was bipolar with narcissistic traits. But from what you told me, your ex definitely seemed like an abuser and no one deserves to go through that at such a young age. The problem is, we can't fix people who are broken, unfortunately. mental illnesses aren't curable and we just have to learn to find people who are willing to work on themselves instead of those who can't.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I can understand this. I've just left my abusive ex, and thank fuck he has no idea where I am. I'm starting again, but for now I'm somewhere safe with support

Not many people understand domestic violence, hence why the usual statement is 'we just want to be loved so we allow it'. No. We do not 'allow it', and it isn't about wanting to be loved. I didn't want to be in a relationship, I was happy on my own. Abusers make it happen with manipulation tactics. They are MASTER manipulators, but the term 'allowing' it comes from that, but it is manipulation (coercion - which is forcing someone to do something with manipulation tactics - have a look online and you'll see - this helped me too)

I am doing my second domestic violence course, but I do know a lot about it due to my unfortunate previous experiences. Basically, it's the push and pull that lures you back (manipulation), and you want that lovely guy you first met - you know, the fake one. It is ALL fake, they never loved you or cared for you, you were merely a supply. Narcissists need a constant supply. Constant. Some manipulation tactics don't look like manipulation, but it definitely is. It is all manipulation, not love. Someone you love doesn't treat you that way. Ever

The 'avoidance attachment' you mentioned just sounds like what abusers do, it is their way of maintaining control of the situation. It is all about power and control. Nothing else. They have no empathy (they can fake it so well though), and no care for others (again, they can fake it so well), but all they care about is themselves. No one else matters.

This is the reason we tend to miss them - you want that fake love you had with them, the beginning, when they appeared like the perfect man. The fake shit. The shit that lured us in in the first place. The love bombing stage

It is so so hard, I understand. I understand the missing the abuser, but I can tell you it will pass. The best way to try and get yourself out of that mindset is remind yourself of all the shit he did

P.S mental illness isn't an excuse to abuse someone. I've had friends with bipolar, amongst other things and they were NOT abusive at all. I struggle with mental health, but I have NEVER EVER been abusive. It is an excuse and a choice to abuse another person. I still don't understand how NPD is a mental illness, given they are 100% aware of what they are doing and make a CHOICE to be abusive. To me, that doesn't strike me as mentally ill.

Your ex is a narcissistic prick, nothing else. He knew exactly what he was doing. I'm sorry that I'm being blunt, but it is better than feeding into the fact that you miss him- because doing that will downplay the abuse, you'll end up thinking about all the positives (FAKE stuff) and more likely to go back to him or get into the same situation with someone else in the future. Trust me, done it myself.

Leaving an abuser is incredibly traumatic, and once that initial phase is over, you will miss him and you will likely have some trauma from that. Unresolved trauma. And unresolved trauma is not good to carry, it is best to get some help for that, because after a while, it'll help you feel better, allow you to process what happened and like I mentioned above, prevent you from getting back into the same situation.

Sometimes we get into these situations because it's familiar (previous trauma your body became accustomed to), not always, but sometimes - more often it's because we haven't ever seen that level of affection (or any at all - even though the affection is overwhelming because they are obsessed from the get go, you don't always know what is normal and because you haven't had it, you think it is)

They break you down until you become an empty shell of yourself. Never forget the way he treated you, ever! You can heal from this, I promise. It's important to seek support from professionals that are trained in this - they are amazing. Some have experienced it themselves, or someone they know

I hope this gives you some comfort at least, to know you're not alone. Domestic violence is VERY common. I've seen several posts like this during my time on this website, and as I said, I'm going through it myself

 

[PianoGoat]

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that traumatic experience at such a young age, my ex also pressured me into intercourse during our relationship and I felt so much pain afterwards that it traumatized me. I think I'll take this situation as a learning experience and try to understand what happened. I never understood why he begged me to stay just to leave one day out of nowhere without warning, but I guess it was his way of controlling me somehow. And yes, I believe he was bipolar with narcissistic traits. But from what you told me, your ex definitely seemed like an abuser and no one deserves to go through that at such a young age. The problem is, we can't fix people who are broken, unfortunately. mental illnesses aren't curable and we just have to learn to find people who are willing to work on themselves instead of those who can't.

Wow, that was so brave of you to talk about. I am a man and some things i just will never be able to comprehend or imagine...
I seriously am convinced this guy is a total narcissist. I'm sorry. This just strengthens my belief.
I agree that we need to find people who can work on themselves, and for this reason i think you should give life another try. I don't know how long it has been since this guy broke up with you, but expecially because of all of the trauma
he brought you, its crucial you learn to slowly accept the truth, that you were in the wrong moment at the wrong time, and this happened (and it is not your fault he treated you like that!).
If you can keep pushing forward, even with all of the other issues going on, you will have worked on yourself.
And no matter what dont ever think that having suicidal thoughts means you aren't okay. It is totally normal to have them.
I think that if you work on yourself these thoughts will slowly be less and less, and hopefully one day will have learned a mechanism to deal with situations that trigger these thoughts.

I'm sorry if my reply seems very "therapeutic", but thats not my intention at all, im just trying to convey the feelings i get from reading your story.
And no matter what you should be proud of yourself for how strong you have been during the relationship, and that is a fact.
Obviously this person left a MASSIVE void inside of you.

Rather than you closing this void (filling this unhealthy void with other things like suicidal thoughts or self harm or unhealthy habits) you will grow so much more that the gap that before was most of you will be a small dot in comparison to all of your growth.
Take care.

 

[Yume Nikki]

I can understand this. I've just left my abusive ex, and thank fuck he has no idea where I am. I'm starting again, but for now I'm somewhere safe with support

Not many people understand domestic violence, hence why the usual statement is 'we just want to be loved so we allow it'. No. We do not 'allow it', and it isn't about wanting to be loved. I didn't want to be in a relationship, I was happy on my own. Abusers make it happen with manipulation tactics. They are MASTER manipulators, but the term 'allowing' it comes from that, but it is manipulation (coercion - which is forcing someone to do something with manipulation tactics - have a look online and you'll see - this helped me too)

I am doing my second domestic violence course, but I do know a lot about it due to my unfortunate previous experiences. Basically, it's the push and pull that lures you back (manipulation), and you want that lovely guy you first met - you know, the fake one. It is ALL fake, they never loved you or cared for you, you were merely a supply. Narcissists need a constant supply. Constant. Some manipulation tactics don't look like manipulation, but it definitely is. It is all manipulation, not love. Someone you love doesn't treat you that way. Ever

The 'avoidance attachment' you mentioned just sounds like what abusers do, it is their way of maintaining control of the situation. It is all about power and control. Nothing else. They have no empathy (they can fake it so well though), and no care for others (again, they can fake it so well), but all they care about is themselves. No one else matters.

This is the reason we tend to miss them - you want that fake love you had with them, the beginning, when they appeared like the perfect man. The fake shit. The shit that lured us in in the first place. The love bombing stage

It is so so hard, I understand. I understand the missing the abuser, but I can tell you it will pass. The best way to try and get yourself out of that mindset is remind yourself of all the shit he did

P.S mental illness isn't an excuse to abuse someone. I've had friends with bipolar, amongst other things and they were NOT abusive at all. I struggle with mental health, but I have NEVER EVER been abusive. It is an excuse and a choice to abuse another person. I still don't understand how NPD is a mental illness, given they are 100% aware of what they are doing and make a CHOICE to be abusive. To me, that doesn't strike me as mentally ill.

Your ex is a narcissistic prick, nothing else. He knew exactly what he was doing. I'm sorry that I'm being blunt, but it is better than feeding into the fact that you miss him- because doing that will downplay the abuse, you'll end up thinking about all the positives (FAKE stuff) and more likely to go back to him or get into the same situation with someone else in the future. Trust me, done it myself.

Leaving an abuser is incredibly traumatic, and once that initial phase is over, you will miss him and you will likely have some trauma from that. Unresolved trauma. And unresolved trauma is not good to carry, it is best to get some help for that, because after a while, it'll help you feel better, allow you to process what happened and like I mentioned above, prevent you from getting back into the same situation.

Sometimes we get into these situations because it's familiar (previous trauma your body became accustomed to), not always, but sometimes - more often it's because we haven't ever seen that level of affection (or any at all - even though the affection is overwhelming because they are obsessed from the get go, you don't always know what is normal and because you haven't had it, you think it is)

They break you down until you become an empty shell of yourself. Never forget the way he treated you, ever! You can heal from this, I promise. It's important to seek support from professionals that are trained in this - they are amazing. Some have experienced it themselves, or someone they know

I hope this gives you some comfort at least, to know you're not alone. Domestic violence is VERY common. I've seen several posts like this during my time on this website, and as I said, I'm going through it myself

Thank you for the support. It's been insanely hard to get out of that mindset, especially when he wasn't always so cruel and coldhearted. I've sent a photo of him to my friends, and they told me he looks majestic, making me feel worse about the fact that I've lost him, even though he was at fault. I keep getting nightmares about him coming back to me, though it's highly unlikely that he would even care.

Everyone seems to be fond of him, no matter what shitty things he's done, they always gloss over his flaws possibly due to his physical appearance. (The asshole even had the audacity to compare himself to a Greek version of Jesus). So he'll essentially just never be held accountable for his actions and walk away as if nothing happened.

The first red flag I noticed was that he got over his ex-gf of three years relatively quick, not even caring about her or going through the process of grief, just quickly moved onto me and made claims that she was the bad one in the relationship.

Sometimes I wish karma was real, but majority of the time, it never hits bad people, I always seem to get hit with it no matter what I do. I tried calling him 3 weeks ago to end things, but he just ghosted me, not answering me at all. I want the stuff I gave him back, like the turtle my mom crocheted for me.

Maybe I do deserve this fate, I don't know. It's hard to say. He lovebombed me in the beginning, making me feel loved and wanted, there were times where I thought, perhaps I should leave.. but he convinced me to stay over and over. He suddenly lost interest one day. Telling me that he doesn't know how to support my OCD while I was there for him during his mania. We were supposed to spend Christmas together, I was going to send him travel photos of my trip to London, but that never happened.

I should've left sooner, but I didn't and that is my fault for ignoring the red flags.

This might be my last Christmas, I don't know for sure, and since I'll be visiting family in Poland it won't be so bittersweet after all.

Wow, that was so brave of you to talk about. I am a man and some things i just will never be able to comprehend or imagine...
I seriously am convinced this guy is a total narcissist. I'm sorry. This just strengthens my belief.
I agree that we need to find people who can work on themselves, and for this reason i think you should give life another try. I don't know how long it has been since this guy broke up with you, but expecially because of all of the trauma
he brought you, its crucial you learn to slowly accept the truth, that you were in the wrong moment at the wrong time, and this happened (and it is not your fault he treated you like that!).
If you can keep pushing forward, even with all of the other issues going on, you will have worked on yourself.
And no matter what dont ever think that having suicidal thoughts means you aren't okay. It is totally normal to have them.
I think that if you work on yourself these thoughts will slowly be less and less, and hopefully one day will have learned a mechanism to deal with situations that trigger these thoughts.

I'm sorry if my reply seems very "therapeutic", but thats not my intention at all, im just trying to convey the feelings i get from reading your story.
And no matter what you should be proud of yourself for how strong you have been during the relationship, and that is a fact.
Obviously this person left a MASSIVE void inside of you.

Rather than you closing this void (filling this unhealthy void with other things like suicidal thoughts or self harm or unhealthy habits) you will grow so much more that the gap that before was most of you will be a small dot in comparison to all of your growth.
Take care.

He was a narcissist indeed, and refused to get help for his mania.

I'm not sure if I am willing to give life another try, my trust in people has diminished entirely. But I believe good people like you deserve to live instead. From the looks of it, it seems like you care deeply about others and are willing to fight for them while they're struggling. My ex never cared, no matter what personal issues I told him about. He was a spoiled manchild who always got whatever he wanted, so it was no surprise that he can discard people away as if they meant nothing to him. He put me through painful intercourse and covered my mouth while I was screaming in agony. Ignoring the suffering he put me through. It's sick how people like him will continue to thrive while I have to spend thousands of dollars in therapy just to recover from moments like this and for my past mistakes. I'm really thankful for people like you, it gives me a little bit of hope in this fked up world.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Thank you for the support. It's been insanely hard to get out of that mindset, especially when he wasn't always so cruel and coldhearted. I've sent a photo of him to my friends, and they told me he looks majestic, making me feel worse about the fact that I've lost him, even though he was at fault. I keep getting nightmares about him coming back to me, though it's highly unlikely that he would even care.

Everyone seems to be fond of him, no matter what shitty things he's done, they always gloss over his flaws possibly due to his physical appearance. (The asshole even had the audacity to compare himself to a Greek version of Jesus). So he'll essentially just never be held accountable for his actions and walk away as if nothing happened.

The first red flag I noticed was that he got over his ex-gf of three years relatively quick, not even caring about her or going through the process of grief, just quickly moved onto me and made claims that she was the bad one in the relationship.

Sometimes I wish karma was real, but majority of the time, it never hits bad people, I always seem to get hit with it no matter what I do. I tried calling him 3 weeks ago to end things, but he just ghosted me, not answering me at all. I want the stuff I gave him back, like the turtle my mom crocheted for me.

Maybe I do deserve this fate, I don't know. It's hard to say. He lovebombed me in the beginning, making me feel loved and wanted, there were times where I thought, perhaps I should leave.. but he convinced me to stay over and over. He suddenly lost interest one day. Telling me that he doesn't know how to support my OCD while I was there for him during his mania. We were supposed to spend Christmas together, I was going to send him travel photos of my trip to London, but that never happened.

I should've left sooner, but I didn't and that is my fault for ignoring the red flags.

This might be my last Christmas, I don't know for sure, and since I'll be visiting family in Poland it won't be so bittersweet after all.

The beginning was fake. It's important to remind yourself all the good things about him, and what you had, was fake. I know it's really shitty to accept that, and hard, but it's the only way you'll move on.

You're never going to get your stuff back, and if you do, you know he'll only try to lure you back in, and will. I'm so sorry, I know it is so important to you, but it's important to let go or you'll be permanently stuck. He will hold onto that stuff, knowing you desperately want it back and he will use it to get you back. It's what they do.

Don't worry, this is perfectly normal, because they show only the version of themselves they want to to others. But with us, the mask slips very quickly and there would've been signs in the beginning, there always is. But, it is NOT your fault. He manipulated you. It will never be your fault, no matter how you look at it. He knew what he was doing the entire time, the entire time. They always do. And they enjoy it. It's who they are and they will never, ever change, because in their minds, they are more important, they are superior, yet very insecure at the same time.

You never ever ever need to break up with an abuser, ever. Run and never look back is the best advice, if you're able to and you have been so you should be incredibly proud of yourself for doing that! I know it's so hard, especially with all the shit that comes with it - the nightmares and things - it's completely normal. I know that's not reassuring, but unfortunately it's part of being abused, you're going to have a lot of trauma there. I would recommend a therapist that specialises in this type of trauma. When you're ready, of course. Not everyone gets to that stage, but you've left him which is AMAZING! That is the hardest step to take.

You did not deserve this. Your self worth isn't going to be at it's best right now, so a step you can make is to at least try to work on that, for yourself. You are important. If people really knew and understood what coercive control looks like, they would have a very different opinion of him. It isn't your responsibility to tell them, unless you want to. Some are able to spot it though. Who cares what he looks like, that's not important. What's important is what he did to you, he is a literal piece of shit that doesn't deserve life. I know right now you're physically free of him, but you're not mentally free of him, perhaps you never will be, but it's about managing it at this point. Learn to manage better with all these feelings so you can move forward and have an ok life, to be content.

Abusers always claim they were the abused one in previous relationships (obviously that can be genuine but abusers usually do this so you feel sorry for them).

He does know how to support. He knows how to be a decent person, but because he is not, he will not be and also because he doesn't care about you. Only his thoughts and fucked up feelings. He is number one in the world

You would've had a absolutely miserable Christmas, you and I both know that. At first or perhaps some bits would have been good, only because you would've had to have done exactly what he said or hell would've frozen over, so really, miserable all round.

If you kill yourself, he has got what he wanted. I do understand those feelings after being with an abusive piece of shit though, because they break you down so much and you're no longer the person you was. And you won't be again, but you can be you still, just in a different way, and grow as a person. See this as a learning curve, I know right now that's so difficult, but you will rebuild your life, look back and realise what a piece of shit he is and how miserable it must be to be him, and not you. You will gain everything you never would've had with him - a decent life. I'm no expert but I feel like it's important to be content with life (eventually), and that would make it decent. It will take a long time, this is only very raw. But I promise, you can move on.

We all ignore the red flags because they MANIPULATE us back. You are not at fault in the slightest. No. Don't ever, ever think that. HE is the problem here, not you. He is a master at it. No doubt he has a lot of victims before you, too. Men like this always get away with it, but I hope one day their luck runs out.

My ex had a health scare recently (a real one, not fake, surprisingly) and I was really hoping he'd disappear so then I could go home and be happy in my home (we didn't live together but he kept trying to move in on me, but we lived very close in the same building which is so scary, hence why I'm now in a safe place). My ex was horrific. It's only been a week for me, but I've left so many times recently so I know how it goes. I just want to go home, but I can't, I know what will happen. So I'll stay here.

Are you close to your family in Poland? Are they aware of what happened to you? I hope you can reach out to them so they can give you some emotional support, especially with it being Christmas. I hope you get a better night sleep at least

 

[Yume Nikki]

The beginning was fake. It's important to remind yourself all the good things about him, and what you had, was fake. I know it's really shitty to accept that, and hard, but it's the only way you'll move on.

You're never going to get your stuff back, and if you do, you know he'll only try to lure you back in, and will. I'm so sorry, I know it is so important to you, but it's important to let go or you'll be permanently stuck. He will hold onto that stuff, knowing you desperately want it back and he will use it to get you back. It's what they do.

Don't worry, this is perfectly normal, because they show only the version of themselves they want to to others. But with us, the mask slips very quickly and there would've been signs in the beginning, there always is. But, it is NOT your fault. He manipulated you. It will never be your fault, no matter how you look at it. He knew what he was doing the entire time, the entire time. They always do. And they enjoy it. It's who they are and they will never, ever change, because in their minds, they are more important, they are superior, yet very insecure at the same time.

You never ever ever need to break up with an abuser, ever. Run and never look back is the best advice, if you're able to and you have been so you should be incredibly proud of yourself for doing that! I know it's so hard, especially with all the shit that comes with it - the nightmares and things - it's completely normal. I know that's not reassuring, but unfortunately it's part of being abused, you're going to have a lot of trauma there. I would recommend a therapist that specialises in this type of trauma. When you're ready, of course. Not everyone gets to that stage, but you've left him which is AMAZING! That is the hardest step to take.

You did not deserve this. Your self worth isn't going to be at it's best right now, so a step you can make is to at least try to work on that, for yourself. You are important. If people really knew and understood what coercive control looks like, they would have a very different opinion of him. It isn't your responsibility to tell them, unless you want to. Some are able to spot it though. Who cares what he looks like, that's not important. What's important is what he did to you, he is a literal piece of shit that doesn't deserve life. I know right now you're physically free of him, but you're not mentally free of him, perhaps you never will be, but it's about managing it at this point. Learn to manage better with all these feelings so you can move forward and have an ok life, to be content.

Abusers always claim they were the abused one in previous relationships (obviously that can be genuine but abusers usually do this so you feel sorry for them).

He does know how to support. He knows how to be a decent person, but because he is not, he will not be and also because he doesn't care about you. Only his thoughts and fucked up feelings. He is number one in the world

You would've had a absolutely miserable Christmas, you and I both know that. At first or perhaps some bits would have been good, only because you would've had to have done exactly what he said or hell would've frozen over, so really, miserable all round.

If you kill yourself, he has got what he wanted. I do understand those feelings after being with an abusive piece of shit though, because they break you down so much and you're no longer the person you was. And you won't be again, but you can be you still, just in a different way, and grow as a person. See this as a learning curve, I know right now that's so difficult, but you will rebuild your life, look back and realise what a piece of shit he is and how miserable it must be to be him, and not you. You will gain everything you never would've had with him - a decent life. I'm no expert but I feel like it's important to be content with life (eventually), and that would make it decent. It will take a long time, this is only very raw. But I promise, you can move on.

We all ignore the red flags because they MANIPULATE us back. You are not at fault in the slightest. No. Don't ever, ever think that. HE is the problem here, not you. He is a master at it. No doubt he has a lot of victims before you, too. Men like this always get away with it, but I hope one day their luck runs out.

My ex had a health scare recently (a real one, not fake, surprisingly) and I was really hoping he'd disappear so then I could go home and be happy in my home (we didn't live together but he kept trying to move in on me, but we lived very close in the same building which is so scary, hence why I'm now in a safe place). My ex was horrific. It's only been a week for me, but I've left so many times recently so I know how it goes. I just want to go home, but I can't, I know what will happen. So I'll stay here.

Are you close to your family in Poland? Are they aware of what happened to you? I hope you can reach out to them so they can give you some emotional support, especially with it being Christmas. I hope you get a better night sleep at least

I don't think he'll want me back. He had ghosted me a month ago and I wouldn't be shocked if he quickly moved on to another rebound. We both met at a mental hospital, and he used to call me all the time while I was there to give me support, fooling me into thinking there was somebody out there that cared about my situation. I was there for suicidal ideation, and he was there for his untreated bipolar disorder.

I gave in to his delusions because I was alone, and he tried to turn me against my own family and therapist, accusing them of abusing me. My mom warned me about him a couple of months ago, where he wouldn't give me any attention at all after coming over to his house to hangout and just glossed over his phone the whole time. It sucks.. thinking that he'll improve and change himself for another girl that isn't me. I miss him even though he was a horrible person.

It always had to be about him, his life, his trips, what he was doing. I remember asking him "But don't you want to see me?" and he just went quiet. I am tired. So tired. I want to fade into non-existence, this world wasn't made for people like me.

 

[Raichu]

Dude! I mean I really admire your patience and commitment. Even if he is mentally ill, he was getting compassion and love from not only you but also his parents. I mean there are a lot of people in this forum that don't have that kind of luxury. He was even being treated. And please stay away from anyone that takes drugs, for your own safety. Please don't contemplate CTBing, please. I would have felt so blessed to actually have a girlfriend like you.

I understand that he has bipolar disorder. And to some extent it affects the relationships around him. But our own mental health is also of importance. We can only do so much for the loved ones that are suffering. Take care of your own mental health. And for him I can only say that he needs proper mental health care, therapy if needed medicines. I hope the best for you. And also wish that he gets better and cease to hurt himself and others around him. God bless!

 

[PianoGoat]

I can understand this. I've just left my abusive ex, and thank fuck he has no idea where I am. I'm starting again, but for now I'm somewhere safe with support

Not many people understand domestic violence, hence why the usual statement is 'we just want to be loved so we allow it'. No. We do not 'allow it', and it isn't about wanting to be loved. I didn't want to be in a relationship, I was happy on my own. Abusers make it happen with manipulation tactics. They are MASTER manipulators, but the term 'allowing' it comes from that, but it is manipulation (coercion - which is forcing someone to do something with manipulation tactics - have a look online and you'll see - this helped me too)

I am doing my second domestic violence course, but I do know a lot about it due to my unfortunate previous experiences. Basically, it's the push and pull that lures you back (manipulation), and you want that lovely guy you first met - you know, the fake one. It is ALL fake, they never loved you or cared for you, you were merely a supply. Narcissists need a constant supply. Constant. Some manipulation tactics don't look like manipulation, but it definitely is. It is all manipulation, not love. Someone you love doesn't treat you that way. Ever

The 'avoidance attachment' you mentioned just sounds like what abusers do, it is their way of maintaining control of the situation. It is all about power and control. Nothing else. They have no empathy (they can fake it so well though), and no care for others (again, they can fake it so well), but all they care about is themselves. No one else matters.

This is the reason we tend to miss them - you want that fake love you had with them, the beginning, when they appeared like the perfect man. The fake shit. The shit that lured us in in the first place. The love bombing stage

It is so so hard, I understand. I understand the missing the abuser, but I can tell you it will pass. The best way to try and get yourself out of that mindset is remind yourself of all the shit he did

P.S mental illness isn't an excuse to abuse someone. I've had friends with bipolar, amongst other things and they were NOT abusive at all. I struggle with mental health, but I have NEVER EVER been abusive. It is an excuse and a choice to abuse another person. I still don't understand how NPD is a mental illness, given they are 100% aware of what they are doing and make a CHOICE to be abusive. To me, that doesn't strike me as mentally ill.

Your ex is a narcissistic prick, nothing else. He knew exactly what he was doing. I'm sorry that I'm being blunt, but it is better than feeding into the fact that you miss him- because doing that will downplay the abuse, you'll end up thinking about all the positives (FAKE stuff) and more likely to go back to him or get into the same situation with someone else in the future. Trust me, done it myself.

Leaving an abuser is incredibly traumatic, and once that initial phase is over, you will miss him and you will likely have some trauma from that. Unresolved trauma. And unresolved trauma is not good to carry, it is best to get some help for that, because after a while, it'll help you feel better, allow you to process what happened and like I mentioned above, prevent you from getting back into the same situation.

Sometimes we get into these situations because it's familiar (previous trauma your body became accustomed to), not always, but sometimes - more often it's because we haven't ever seen that level of affection (or any at all - even though the affection is overwhelming because they are obsessed from the get go, you don't always know what is normal and because you haven't had it, you think it is)

They break you down until you become an empty shell of yourself. Never forget the way he treated you, ever! You can heal from this, I promise. It's important to seek support from professionals that are trained in this - they are amazing. Some have experienced it themselves, or someone they know

I hope this gives you some comfort at least, to know you're not alone. Domestic violence is VERY common. I've seen several posts like this during my time on this website, and as I said, I'm going through it myself

This is such an amazing message.

I don't think he'll want me back. He had ghosted me a month ago and I wouldn't be shocked if he quickly moved on to another rebound. We both met at a mental hospital, and he used to call me all the time while I was there to give me support, fooling me into thinking there was somebody out there that cared about my situation. I was there for suicidal ideation, and he was there for his untreated bipolar disorder.

I gave in to his delusions because I was alone, and he tried to turn me against my own family and therapist, accusing them of abusing me. My mom warned me about him a couple of months ago, where he wouldn't give me any attention at all after coming over to his house to hangout and just glossed over his phone the whole time. It sucks.. thinking that he'll improve and change himself for another girl that isn't me. I miss him even though he was a horrible person.

It always had to be about him, his life, his trips, what he was doing. I remember asking him "But don't you want to see me?" and he just went quiet. I am tired. So tired. I want to fade into non-existence, this world wasn't made for people like me.

Thank you for the support. It's been insanely hard to get out of that mindset, especially when he wasn't always so cruel and coldhearted. I've sent a photo of him to my friends, and they told me he looks majestic, making me feel worse about the fact that I've lost him, even though he was at fault. I keep getting nightmares about him coming back to me, though it's highly unlikely that he would even care.

Everyone seems to be fond of him, no matter what shitty things he's done, they always gloss over his flaws possibly due to his physical appearance. (The asshole even had the audacity to compare himself to a Greek version of Jesus). So he'll essentially just never be held accountable for his actions and walk away as if nothing happened.

The first red flag I noticed was that he got over his ex-gf of three years relatively quick, not even caring about her or going through the process of grief, just quickly moved onto me and made claims that she was the bad one in the relationship.

Sometimes I wish karma was real, but majority of the time, it never hits bad people, I always seem to get hit with it no matter what I do. I tried calling him 3 weeks ago to end things, but he just ghosted me, not answering me at all. I want the stuff I gave him back, like the turtle my mom crocheted for me.

Maybe I do deserve this fate, I don't know. It's hard to say. He lovebombed me in the beginning, making me feel loved and wanted, there were times where I thought, perhaps I should leave.. but he convinced me to stay over and over. He suddenly lost interest one day. Telling me that he doesn't know how to support my OCD while I was there for him during his mania. We were supposed to spend Christmas together, I was going to send him travel photos of my trip to London, but that never happened.

I should've left sooner, but I didn't and that is my fault for ignoring the red flags.

This might be my last Christmas, I don't know for sure, and since I'll be visiting family in Poland it won't be so bittersweet after all.

He was a narcissist indeed, and refused to get help for his mania.

I'm not sure if I am willing to give life another try, my trust in people has diminished entirely. But I believe good people like you deserve to live instead. From the looks of it, it seems like you care deeply about others and are willing to fight for them while they're struggling. My ex never cared, no matter what personal issues I told him about. He was a spoiled manchild who always got whatever he wanted, so it was no surprise that he can discard people away as if they meant nothing to him. He put me through painful intercourse and covered my mouth while I was screaming in agony. Ignoring the suffering he put me through. It's sick how people like him will continue to thrive while I have to spend thousands of dollars in therapy just to recover from moments like this and for my past mistakes. I'm really thankful for people like you, it gives me a little bit of hope in this fked up world.

You did NOT deserve what happened. Get that straight.
Maybe i might be a bit weird intruding so much in your personal life, but i can't stand seeing you like this, probably because i can see myself (i didn't have it that bad thankfully) in you.
@MyTimeIsUp wrote an amazing reply and i wholeheartedly agree with everything said. It's hard for now, but try, at least try, moving on, even though you have no faith in humans anymore. Look forward to your trip to Poland! it seems amazing :). Maybe bring yourself a little paper diary where you can sketch or write thoughts down. Or maybe buy an old compact camera (photographer me speaking) and take memory pictures truing to capture things that feel meaningful to you. Maybe you will find a new way to deal with these thoughts!
Maybe it will all go downhill from now, i can't know, but i believe that youve gone through the worse part, and now its just a question of moving foward from here. As i said before, i believe you can make it :)
If you want to update how this is all going i'd love to listen!

 

[Yume Nikki]

Dude! I mean I really admire your patience and commitment. Even if he is mentally ill, he was getting compassion and love from not only you but also his parents. I mean there are a lot of people in this forum that don't have that kind of luxury. He was even being treated. And please stay away from anyone that takes drugs, for your own safety. Please don't contemplate CTBing, please. I would have felt so blessed to actually have a girlfriend like you.

I understand that he has bipolar disorder. And to some extent it affects the relationships around him. But our own mental health is also of importance. We can only do so much for the loved ones that are suffering. Take care of your own mental health. And for him I can only say that he needs proper mental health care, therapy if needed medicines. I hope the best for you. And also wish that he gets better and cease to hurt himself and others around him. God bless!

I've noticed that drug abusers tend to be really shitty towards others for some reason. (Not all but some of course) It was sad to see him treat everyone around him like garbage when we only wanted to provide a support system for his issues. He spit in my face after all the support I tried to give. I'm going back to therapy or doing more ECT sessions to forget the memories I made with him. If that'll even help.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I don't think he'll want me back. He had ghosted me a month ago and I wouldn't be shocked if he quickly moved on to another rebound. We both met at a mental hospital, and he used to call me all the time while I was there to give me support, fooling me into thinking there was somebody out there that cared about my situation. I was there for suicidal ideation, and he was there for his untreated bipolar disorder.

I gave in to his delusions because I was alone, and he tried to turn me against my own family and therapist, accusing them of abusing me. My mom warned me about him a couple of months ago, where he wouldn't give me any attention at all after coming over to his house to hangout and just glossed over his phone the whole time. It sucks.. thinking that he'll improve and change himself for another girl that isn't me. I miss him even though he was a horrible person.

It always had to be about him, his life, his trips, what he was doing. I remember asking him "But don't you want to see me?" and he just went quiet. I am tired. So tired. I want to fade into non-existence, this world wasn't made for people like me.

This is classic abuse. All abusive relationships get worse over time, and it gets worse each time you go back to them. Being a drug addict or whatever isn't an excuse for it, nothing is an excuse (including a bad childhood, any previous traumas, addictions, mental illness etc). All it is about is power and control, nothing else. As long as they have the power and control, they are happy and couldn't care less about the pain they cause others. It's part of their personality, and they can help it

The more you educate yourself (Google and professionals) on domestic violence and narcissistic men, the more you will be able to understand better, and realise they will never change, and that the issue wasn't you, it isn't your fault, and you'll be able to heal from it.

Your feelings are completely understandable and normal. You are broken right now, but as I said in my previous messages, there is help out there, but you have to reach out to the professionals that can support you.

Give yourself a break, you've been through a lot. You owe it to yourself to take some time out and try to process what's happened, even if it means sitting in your PJs with the curtains shut, with a good book, or watching some crap on the TV - whatever helps you relax for a little while, even if it's for 10 minutes. Perhaps going for a walk or having a nice bath or shower? I don't know what you like to do, but literally anything that calms your mind for that short space of time, to distract yourself, because it can get better and suicide is a last resort.

It's going go be ok, in time, but try not to put so much pressure on yourself. These things take a lot of time to heal from, it won't be overnight. It is still very raw, you're probably very overwhelmed by everything at the moment and it's also hard to break the trauma bond with your abuser (please do some research into this - if you want to) but please try to be kind to yourself, you deserve to be in a better place than the current one you're in

I really do hope things ease and you seek help from professionals (domestic violence) and you get the help you need and deserve. They are not judgmental, they've seen and heard it all. Some don't want help, and that's ok, but I'm sure you do or you wouldn't be talking about it

Of course, you don't have to seek help, but you have on here, so that suggests you do want help.

I hope my words have been of some comfort at least, I'm struggling myself with all this so I'm going to take some time to *try* and relax a little as I'm struggling with leaving my abuser, too, and you know all the awful crap that comes with that (I'm letting you know because it may take me a while to respond to any further messages), but I just wanted to try and make you feel less alone. Domestic violence is so common, it's really awful. There are many of us out there.

I hope you can find a way to distract yourself, and your torment eases a little soon x

 

[yowai]

He doesn't seem fit to be in any realtionship to be honest, not until he works on being a better person. You deserve someone who will care for you as much as you did for him, who will respect you and see you as a person instead of a "distraction" or a tool. You can't fix or save him from himself and it was just a matter of time when your heart would be broken. These feelings will pass eventually, focus on getting yourself support because it's you who needs it and cut that bastard off, don't romanticize his flaws and think of those rare moments when he showed a bit of decency. Treat is as a lesson or just a part of history in your life, one day when you're in a better place you'll be glad it's over and not miss him anymore

 

[Worndown]

Instead of finding a way to "off" yourself, look in the mirror and see if you are really "better off" without him.
You can be bi-polar and a narcissistic ass at the same time. Nobody needs that in their life.
You care about people. It is your strength, but to him it is a weakness to exploit.
Find someone that accepts what you give and gives back.

 

[Raichu]

I've noticed that drug abusers tend to be really shitty towards others for some reason. (Not all but some of course) It was sad to see him treat everyone around him like garbage when we only wanted to provide a support system for his issues. He spit in my face after all the support I tried to give. I'm going back to therapy or doing more ECT sessions to forget the memories I made with him. If that'll even help.

I really hope you get over the trauma. While personally I would just remember the good portions and forget the bad ones, or at least try to do so. But I understand that the whole episode with him is now a trauma for you. Take care and don't miss the dates of therapy. You will get better and find a compatible partner soon.