Suicide as a form of fulfilling control?

[Sweetsinking]

Although I'm suicidal for obvious reasons, I recognize one reason I want to ultimately die by suicide is a form of control. It's something I can control about the uncontrollable. And I also look into it because I don't want to see the future that I have little control of. I realized I was less 'suicidal' (not really) when I was deep into an eating disorder because I felt I had a lot of control and it took my mind off of having no grip on anything.

Anyways does anyone relate or have some helpful methods of feeling control in their life?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I feel the same. I don't want to fall prey to arthritis, dementia, cancer when I'm older. I don't want to experience old age and lack of independence. I don't even want to go through the menopause if I'm honest. I'm not willing to be a slave to my biology or capitalism either. I'm sick of paying my way for a life I don't even want.

I do see suicide as making the ultimate choice to not participate or be subjected to all life's shit. Sadly though, rejecting life seems to really upset people. Especially parents. So, it's not something I feel I can do while my Dad is still alive. After that though yes, I'm hoping I can say 'F*ck this!' and extricate myself from this nonsense.

 

[galaxid]

Anyways does anyone relate or have some helpful methods of feeling control in their life?

There are a lot of different ways I try to take control of things, depending on the circumstances. Sometimes its a simple as deciding to preserve my sanity. When I was in high school, I told myself that doing my school work and going to class was important, but my stability was MORE important. So, prioritizing my mental health is a form of control. I'm willingly letting go of my responsibilities for a little while, and I'm entering 'survival mode'. Been there for a while, but its something.

Finding ways to control the little things, like what you want to do in your free time, and prioritizing your own happiness-- that kinda stuff helps me, too. Sometimes I just have to admit I can't do everything I used to. I admit that pretty much every day, and it sucks, which is probably why I'm on here, but its given me this sense that I'm not spiraling. I know what I can and cannot do right now. And I know the consequences, but I can't be bothered to care because I'm too busy having my 5th panic attack, or something like that.

I do see suicide as making the ultimate choice to not participate or be subjected to all life's shit. Sadly though, rejecting life seems to really upset people. Especially parents. So, it's not something I feel I can do while my Dad is still alive. After that though yes, I'm hoping I can say 'F*ck this!' and extricate myself from this nonsense.

Same. First I waited for my dad, then my mom. Spent years and years on that shit, but luckily both of them died pretty close together, and my grief was so incapacitating that I could not take any action. So I waited because I knew what my death would do to them. I did not consider what their deaths would do to me.

I'm not encouraging one way or the other. Just sharing my experience is all.

 

[FishRain3469]

I could go On and on about this.. (which i am too damn tired for atm).. But I certainly relate and agree to all of the above. Especially with my parents, Mom / Dad.

 

[spectraltease]

Although I'm suicidal for obvious reasons, I recognize one reason I want to ultimately die by suicide is a form of control. It's something I can control about the uncontrollable. And I also look into it because I don't want to see the future that I have little control of. I realized I was less 'suicidal' (not really) when I was deep into an eating disorder because I felt I had a lot of control and it took my mind off of having no grip on anything.

Anyways does anyone relate or have some helpful methods of feeling control in their life?

I often wanted control. I have often suppressed or harmed others to get this control. But I understood that real control only has to do with myself, so I understand very well what you mean. To me, it feels like a surrender of control, otherwise it feels like control.
I act now differently and I am very ashamed of what I have done.