MicahBell
we are not horses.
- Feb 11, 2025
- 29
I'm in my last several hours of being alive.
For me, my death is an act of self love and self respect. I had a good day. I'm not nervous. I'm choosing today because i'm happy, and I don't want misery to be the last thing I feel.
This is the closest thing i'll have to a suicide note, because I won't be leaving one. All my life people have disrespected me. For my family i've been the one they talk over, the one who "never showed any signs" or "was too young to be mentally ill", when everyone else was allowed to. I decided I respect myself and I don't owe them any explanation. They will see this as an act of rebellion against them. I don't care what they feel anymore, my death will be about me.
I've always felt things more strongly than most people, loved extremely intensely. Which is great when you have something to love- when you don't, it feels like you're missing more than a normal person would. I've never made something beautiful, or been beautiful. I've never done something amazing. I've never been anyone's favourite person. For some it would feel sad if they died like that, but to be honest i'm elated. That I can finally stop suffering for other's sake and prioritise myself, since no one else will.
The thing i'd like most in the world is just to go out to dinner and laugh with a few friends. I've never experienced that. I love life, and i've been held back because i'll always want just a little bit longer. Tonight i'm mourning my own life since no one else will. All the foods i'll never eat again, all the overcast mornings i'll miss, all the times my cat will purr and drool when someone scratches his ear and it won't be me anymore.
But I'm happy. I don't know if its paradoxical to be happy and to be mourning at the same time. I hope it isn't. I deserved better, and also i refuse to die miserable.
I'm not sure anyone will read this stupid crap. Anyone who's date is coming up, how are you gonna spend your last day or your last week?
For me, my death is an act of self love and self respect. I had a good day. I'm not nervous. I'm choosing today because i'm happy, and I don't want misery to be the last thing I feel.
This is the closest thing i'll have to a suicide note, because I won't be leaving one. All my life people have disrespected me. For my family i've been the one they talk over, the one who "never showed any signs" or "was too young to be mentally ill", when everyone else was allowed to. I decided I respect myself and I don't owe them any explanation. They will see this as an act of rebellion against them. I don't care what they feel anymore, my death will be about me.
I've always felt things more strongly than most people, loved extremely intensely. Which is great when you have something to love- when you don't, it feels like you're missing more than a normal person would. I've never made something beautiful, or been beautiful. I've never done something amazing. I've never been anyone's favourite person. For some it would feel sad if they died like that, but to be honest i'm elated. That I can finally stop suffering for other's sake and prioritise myself, since no one else will.
The thing i'd like most in the world is just to go out to dinner and laugh with a few friends. I've never experienced that. I love life, and i've been held back because i'll always want just a little bit longer. Tonight i'm mourning my own life since no one else will. All the foods i'll never eat again, all the overcast mornings i'll miss, all the times my cat will purr and drool when someone scratches his ear and it won't be me anymore.
But I'm happy. I don't know if its paradoxical to be happy and to be mourning at the same time. I hope it isn't. I deserved better, and also i refuse to die miserable.
I'm not sure anyone will read this stupid crap. Anyone who's date is coming up, how are you gonna spend your last day or your last week?
