Been lurking for a few months. Sorry for bad grammar. On phone.
I have a Recent suicide attempt (first ever) by violent means. Slit my throat and brachial arteries in my shower as police were storming my house. Fought them off in shower until I passed out. Regained consciousness with tourniquet on me and I ripped it off and tore threw all my wounds to rip out clots. Police were to squeamish to come close and get leverage so despite being mortally wounded I ended up winning again until I passed out again. Woke up on helicopter as they gave me ketamine. Felt like a wormhole. Woke up in trauma unit and everyone running around like chickens with their heads cut off yelling at each other. They were suturing me all over and forgot spots I had so many. Whatever MRI or catscan they did with contrast hurt tremendously worse than cutting myself. I think it was the magnet forcing the contrast out my wounds. 14 day stay in hospital. Ended up losing 1 gallon of bloodand barely made it. Yes it's possible to lose that much and survive apparently. Paralyzed neck from nerves severing. Right arm is also messed up from nerve damage digging in my arm. I have a permanent headache that goes to migraines every few hours from brain damage. Visible scars on neck and arms that scare people especially neck. Not really a reason to stick around when I'm a pariah now. The Lead trauma surgeon and roving psychiatrist both cried. I was surprised and honestly angry because they chose this job and couldn't hack it. F me right? The " sitters" were nice and basically a 24x7 paid visitor. Two of the female sitters watched me while showering. I didn't care and hoped they liked the show lol.
I agreed to try therapy and medicine to see if it would change my mind. Also to get out of the hospital. I had never thought of failing and what would happen if I did. The therapy does jack shit. The medicine does nothing. Feels like sugar pills. I was screened back in twice to hospitals in next two months because I had "sad faces" and wrote a dark poem as therapy. You gotta be kidding me…how is a depressed person supposed to look. I don't even feel depressed. This was a completely rational decision. Story of abuse over 10 years and I gave up after trying everything. My only mistake was contacting someone to hand over life insurance. Funny thing is at my second hospital stay another patient knew my story when I told them a few details. I was shocked and confused. She was an EMT in training and attending a college course which had a guest speaker who was an EMT from my town and used my example when covering extreme suicide. I thought that was kinda rude sharing a story of someone else even if not using names since it's so personal. Was kinda funny being "infamous" I guess? Third hospital stay for being screened in and a psych nurse said I was one of top 5 most suicidal patients she has seen in 15 years in psych units. I'm always "rainbows and butterflies" in hospital or they don't let you out. I Don't know how she saw that or thought it. Never told her I was suicidal and I was screened in by an overprotective friend. Which was true.
I never did my research that much before or found this site before my attempt. After 3 months of trying "their" methods to fix my mind and decision I have really changed my mind. Life still sucks. But now I have bought SN + all the rest of the goodies that go along with it. Only thing I've learned is to smile and wave and keep your mouth shut so nobody is the wiser.
Just wanted to share my experience. I feel somewhat guilty and like I'm a suicide snob now… no clue why. But when I hear people slit their wrist or took pills I judge in my head as a non serious attempt. I don't mean to minimize others suffering but in my mind if you want to leave who cares just get it over with as lethal as possible and gtfoh.
FYI slitting throat and arteries is not as bad as you'd think. If you're trying to leave it's quick and not even painful really. I think that's why a lot of doctors do it. I think adrenaline kicks in. Pass out in2 min especially if you flex muscles. Arteries bleed like faucets. It's not squirting just a steady flow that's faster if you flex. Heart beats fast you breath fast to compensate and then you pass out. Nothing too bad. I'd do it that way again but my shower stall was recently renovated and I don't want to ruin it again after all the money to fix it. Also I have a close family member staying in my house and don't want them to find me that way. Don't go for throat though. It's not like the movies is all I'll say. Takes a lot of hacking and sawing even with a very sharp knife to get to carotid and not worth the time. Brachial artery and arteries in ankle are much easier to access and do just fine.
Sorry for long rant. Ask me anything you want and I'll try my best to answer.
I have a Recent suicide attempt (first ever) by violent means. Slit my throat and brachial arteries in my shower as police were storming my house. Fought them off in shower until I passed out. Regained consciousness with tourniquet on me and I ripped it off and tore threw all my wounds to rip out clots. Police were to squeamish to come close and get leverage so despite being mortally wounded I ended up winning again until I passed out again. Woke up on helicopter as they gave me ketamine. Felt like a wormhole. Woke up in trauma unit and everyone running around like chickens with their heads cut off yelling at each other. They were suturing me all over and forgot spots I had so many. Whatever MRI or catscan they did with contrast hurt tremendously worse than cutting myself. I think it was the magnet forcing the contrast out my wounds. 14 day stay in hospital. Ended up losing 1 gallon of bloodand barely made it. Yes it's possible to lose that much and survive apparently. Paralyzed neck from nerves severing. Right arm is also messed up from nerve damage digging in my arm. I have a permanent headache that goes to migraines every few hours from brain damage. Visible scars on neck and arms that scare people especially neck. Not really a reason to stick around when I'm a pariah now. The Lead trauma surgeon and roving psychiatrist both cried. I was surprised and honestly angry because they chose this job and couldn't hack it. F me right? The " sitters" were nice and basically a 24x7 paid visitor. Two of the female sitters watched me while showering. I didn't care and hoped they liked the show lol.
I agreed to try therapy and medicine to see if it would change my mind. Also to get out of the hospital. I had never thought of failing and what would happen if I did. The therapy does jack shit. The medicine does nothing. Feels like sugar pills. I was screened back in twice to hospitals in next two months because I had "sad faces" and wrote a dark poem as therapy. You gotta be kidding me…how is a depressed person supposed to look. I don't even feel depressed. This was a completely rational decision. Story of abuse over 10 years and I gave up after trying everything. My only mistake was contacting someone to hand over life insurance. Funny thing is at my second hospital stay another patient knew my story when I told them a few details. I was shocked and confused. She was an EMT in training and attending a college course which had a guest speaker who was an EMT from my town and used my example when covering extreme suicide. I thought that was kinda rude sharing a story of someone else even if not using names since it's so personal. Was kinda funny being "infamous" I guess? Third hospital stay for being screened in and a psych nurse said I was one of top 5 most suicidal patients she has seen in 15 years in psych units. I'm always "rainbows and butterflies" in hospital or they don't let you out. I Don't know how she saw that or thought it. Never told her I was suicidal and I was screened in by an overprotective friend. Which was true.
I never did my research that much before or found this site before my attempt. After 3 months of trying "their" methods to fix my mind and decision I have really changed my mind. Life still sucks. But now I have bought SN + all the rest of the goodies that go along with it. Only thing I've learned is to smile and wave and keep your mouth shut so nobody is the wiser.
Just wanted to share my experience. I feel somewhat guilty and like I'm a suicide snob now… no clue why. But when I hear people slit their wrist or took pills I judge in my head as a non serious attempt. I don't mean to minimize others suffering but in my mind if you want to leave who cares just get it over with as lethal as possible and gtfoh.
FYI slitting throat and arteries is not as bad as you'd think. If you're trying to leave it's quick and not even painful really. I think that's why a lot of doctors do it. I think adrenaline kicks in. Pass out in2 min especially if you flex muscles. Arteries bleed like faucets. It's not squirting just a steady flow that's faster if you flex. Heart beats fast you breath fast to compensate and then you pass out. Nothing too bad. I'd do it that way again but my shower stall was recently renovated and I don't want to ruin it again after all the money to fix it. Also I have a close family member staying in my house and don't want them to find me that way. Don't go for throat though. It's not like the movies is all I'll say. Takes a lot of hacking and sawing even with a very sharp knife to get to carotid and not worth the time. Brachial artery and arteries in ankle are much easier to access and do just fine.
Sorry for long rant. Ask me anything you want and I'll try my best to answer.
