Suicide to escape my sin

[StarCaller'sStaff]

Suicide has been on my mind for years, but this is the most I've ever considered the option.
I sexually assaulted someone important to me last month. We were friends with benefits, and on our last meet-up she strictly asked me that we don't do anything sexual, and just stick to cuddling. I disrespected that. I touched her on sensitive areas in order to get her on the mood, but thankfully we ended up not doing anything. However, later that night she texted me explaining how uncomfortable I had made her, and how she did not want to see me again, possibly ever. I was devastated and deeply disgusted with myself. How could I hurt someone like this? How is she going to live a healthy life with the wound I inflicted on her? The guilt crushes me constantly. Telling my closest friends about this has lead to them distancing themselves from me, and i accept that. These are the consequences for the disgusting actions I took, and I have come to terms with that. My question is, what now? People have told me to start working on myself, to seek professional help and start anew, but I don't want to do that. Starting anew implies trying to forget the past, but this is something I can never forget. All the money and effort that would be spent on helping me, it should be used on her instead, and yet maintaining no contact with her is also the best thing i can do for her. Am I deserving of help, or is living the rest of my life feeling like this an appropriate consequence? That's why my mind has been thinking about suicide non-stop, It is the cowardly path, but it feels like the only one I'm not undeserving of, if that makes sense.

 

[cali22♡]

I'm sorry that you have the urge to sexually harass her... But
There is not a single argument to sexually harass a person and I am not saying that it is good what you did but
the good thing is that you know it's wrong you admit your mistake and that's very powerful you should probably seek therapeutic help to A not act on these thoughts and B have them under control

Take care of yourself

</3

 

[3/4Dead]

Professional help is sometimes a hard bridge to cross but I genuinely cannot reccomend that you do that next more than anything. I think everything is worth trying before suicide. You can only kill yourself once.

 

[VigilanteWithViolin]

It's good that you admit your guilt and realize that you did a bad thing, and I hope you will do your best to prevent this from happening again.
I am not in favor of psychological help in many situations - it takes time and money, besides, many specialists are poorly qualified and can make things worse. But if you are ready to admit your problems and accept them, it already means that you have a chance to heal. Think about it: what if you could take a course of psychological help and then try to do something good for people who find themselves in such a situation? For example, to help others control their sexual desires in order to prevent abuse, or to help victims in some way. This can be called compensation, but in many ways it helps people feel better when you not only repent of your actions, but also help others.
Remember: suicide is always the most radical and the last way.
I advise you to take a break for a few days and carefully consider your feelings and possibilities about this.
About your friend: in this situation, a woman really doesn't want to see or even talk about the person who hurt her. It can be very traumatic, so the best solution is not to disturb her.
I hope this situation will be resolved for you and you will find the right solution.

 

[Death Of The Soul]

I just found and joined this site today and got approved minutes ago, this is my first post and I can't tell you how much I relate to your position, having wanted love and affection and in that pursuit having harmed others in the long run. I've never (to my knowledge or self admission) SA'ed anyone but I have cheated on many and exerted pressure when I never had hoped to and left them off worse than when I met them, when I had hoped to help them with all that they had been through prior. I saw myself as a savior or fixer of sorts, a safe haven for those affected.

All my girlfriends have had experience with sexual assault in some form or another and I've been the guy to offer them new horizons, but in the end I've hurt them too through my own lack of self care and lost all I hoped to hold onto: my friends, my home, my projects, my job, my future and past, because what was it all for if I was only going to fuck it all up again worse than ever? You are not plainly evil, I don't believe anyone is. I'd say seek help such as therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy to change yourself for the better. I'm seeking such help currently at 27 years of age despite everyday being torture and my life being worse than ever. I've wanted to die so badly and for so long now and yet something keeps me here. Maybe you're still here for a reason too.

I'm plagued with memories and bad associations like you wouldn't believe my friend, but many live with regrets. I have trouble seeing the point in doing so as well, like what's the point of getting better if I have to live with these memories and associations? Especially with all my wreckage so close to home, so personal and intertwined, it feels absolutely insurmountable. You and I both are deserving of help, everyone is, which I realize now is only something I can say in assistance of others. I'm very hard on myself, and we all make mistakes in life, some of us worse than others, and at least for me, repeatedly. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, or so I'm told. Harder when the memories and places and things serve as constant reminders of failure and loss.

I'll conclude by saying that we, and everyone else on this planet didn't ask to be born, me especially given how purposeful my birth was (IVF). I have medical issues, mental health issues, and now an erasure of all the work I'd done prior and am left with nothing but destruction and bad thoughts and choices when I knew better in my heart of hearts. I'm traumatized primarily by my own actions and it feels impossible to continue, but when I see a post like yours, I feel compelled in some odd way to remind you that you are worth trying for something better. We all are. Sending you love from across the internet and I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive and move on, even when I find that impossible for myself. There is more to life I suppose. Carry on my wayward son.

 

[LukaParrot]

Hey... stop thinking about CTB, what you did was wrong.... I think you're still very young and cuddling can lead to what happened.

You're not a monster, but that doesnt makes you a hero or example of a person. Learn from your mistakes.

If this thoughts dont go away, seek for help. Therapy, a psychologist. You just need to calm down.

 

[StarCaller'sStaff]

I just found and joined this site today and got approved minutes ago, this is my first post and I can't tell you how much I relate to your position, having wanted love and affection and in that pursuit having harmed others in the long run. I've never (to my knowledge or self admission) SA'ed anyone but I have cheated on many and exerted pressure when I never had hoped to and left them off worse than when I met them, when I had hoped to help them with all that they had been through prior. I saw myself as a savior or fixer of sorts, a safe haven for those affected.

All my girlfriends have had experience with sexual assault in some form or another and I've been the guy to offer them new horizons, but in the end I've hurt them too through my own lack of self care and lost all I hoped to hold onto: my friends, my home, my projects, my job, my future and past, because what was it all for if I was only going to fuck it all up again worse than ever? You are not plainly evil, I don't believe anyone is. I'd say seek help such as therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy to change yourself for the better. I'm seeking such help currently at 27 years of age despite everyday being torture and my life being worse than ever. I've wanted to die so badly and for so long now and yet something keeps me here. Maybe you're still here for a reason too.

I'm plagued with memories and bad associations like you wouldn't believe my friend, but many live with regrets. I have trouble seeing the point in doing so as well, like what's the point of getting better if I have to live with these memories and associations? Especially with all my wreckage so close to home, so personal and intertwined, it feels absolutely insurmountable. You and I both are deserving of help, everyone is, which I realize now is only something I can say in assistance of others. I'm very hard on myself, and we all make mistakes in life, some of us worse than others, and at least for me, repeatedly. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, or so I'm told. Harder when the memories and places and things serve as constant reminders of failure and loss.

I'll conclude by saying that we, and everyone else on this planet didn't ask to be born, me especially given how purposeful my birth was (IVF). I have medical issues, mental health issues, and now an erasure of all the work I'd done prior and am left with nothing but destruction and bad thoughts and choices when I knew better in my heart of hearts. I'm traumatized primarily by my own actions and it feels impossible to continue, but when I see a post like yours, I feel compelled in some odd way to remind you that you are worth trying for something better. We all are. Sending you love from across the internet and I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive and move on, even when I find that impossible for myself. There is more to life I suppose. Carry on my wayward son.

your words brought me to tears. thank you. you're the first person I truly believe relates to my experience, thank you so much for existing and thank you so much for replying. just by talking about our similarities, you've helped me so much already
do you think you could tell me more about the kind of therapy you're having? I do not mind chatting trough private texts
Once again, thank you so much

 

[Death Of The Soul]

your words brought me to tears. thank you. you're the first person I truly believe relates to my experience, thank you so much for existing and thank you so much for replying. just by talking about our similarities, you've helped me so much already
do you think you could tell me more about the kind of therapy you're having? I do not mind chatting trough private texts
Once again, thank you so much

I'm very glad to hear my words had such an effect! Makes me feel like there is still value I can provide in this world. I don't believe I can DM on here yet, so I'll say that I've done EMDR therapy, which uses eye movements and talking to cover up and reframe traumatic memories, it has been helpful for me in the past but I should have done more of it back then. I've done a lot of talk therapy as well and just started scheduling with a man who does walk and talk therapy in some local parks. The walking while discussing issues and such plus getting out in nature sounds alright to me so I'm trying new things.

DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is also something I'm looking into, you can do it on your own supposedly, just requires patience and repetition with the right tools to change your patterns for the better. No change is easy, but it's all worth it. Seek help from professionals my friend, you are worth it. The pain you're feeling is real, but it's not worth ending your life over, at least that's how I feel. I'd love to keep in contact as soon as I can do that privately on here. I'll keep checking this site for updates, I'm here for you man.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

The guilt crushes me constantly. Telling my closest friends about this has lead to them distancing themselves from me, and i accept that

This breaks my heart especially because you shared later on... and I quote

However, later that night she texted me explaining how uncomfortable I had made her, and how she did not want to see me again, possibly ever

You felt after she confessed this you began to spiral...

You shared something even deeply personal with us, this confession, and before, you entrusted that to those you considered friends, and this whole entire time, even before that night, you always had a deeply sincere night, and I don't know how or why you were engulfed by lust that night even after she made it clear her personal boundaries with you in a subtle way, but the fact of the matter was you realized from how she talked it out with you much thoroughly through her feelings how something like that made her feel for you to react this way, and that alone tells me enough for me to call bullshit on those who judged you that way for you to even live with this guilt for so long, depending on how far someone must be to be aware of how bad they are or what they did when they come to terms with it.

You are loving and warm, and you shouldn't ctb if you have this Immersion to act on it because of guilt, then you are being guilt tripped and that is equally as worse, because you owned up to the feelings, and that should be enough, especially as you conveyed that reaction the moment you realized to even share it even if it might've been oversharing in context.

I'm so sorry you feel that way, but you should not do this for such reason, because your hurt is deeply moving for me to say you should still be here, but join recovery and take steps while you fully embrace this human experience as you need more time, dear champion <3

 

[Namelesa]

To be honest part of why I want to commit suicide is cus of the intense guilt and shame I feel for some of the bad things I have done tho what I have done is different. For me I feel like I need to continue to hate myself as that's what I think I deserve and to be incentived not to do that action again. I totally understand hating yourself to the point were you think you don't deserve to live but as long as you feel remorse for what you have done and want to do not do it again, I would say you are a good person. A bad person wouldn't care if what they did was bad. I hope one way or another you can escape your guilt. If you do decide on suicide then know its not cowardly as that in itself is very difficult to do.

 

[StarCaller'sStaff]

I'm very glad to hear my words had such an effect! Makes me feel like there is still value I can provide in this world. I don't believe I can DM on here yet, so I'll say that I've done EMDR therapy, which uses eye movements and talking to cover up and reframe traumatic memories, it has been helpful for me in the past but I should have done more of it back then. I've done a lot of talk therapy as well and just started scheduling with a man who does walk and talk therapy in some local parks. The walking while discussing issues and such plus getting out in nature sounds alright to me so I'm trying new things.

DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is also something I'm looking into, you can do it on your own supposedly, just requires patience and repetition with the right tools to change your patterns for the better. No change is easy, but it's all worth it. Seek help from professionals my friend, you are worth it. The pain you're feeling is real, but it's not worth ending your life over, at least that's how I feel. I'd love to keep in contact as soon as I can do that privately on here. I'll keep checking this site for updates, I'm here for you man.

Thank you so much, I would be very grateful to keep contact with you in the future as well

You shared something even deeply personal with us, this confession, and before, you entrusted that to those you considered friends, and this whole entire time, even before that night, you always had a deeply sincere night, and I don't know how or why you were engulfed by lust that night even after she made it clear her personal boundaries with you in a subtle way, but the fact of the matter was you realized from how she talked it out with you much thoroughly through her feelings how something like that made her feel for you to react this way, and that alone tells me enough for me to call bullshit on those who judged you that way for you to even live with this guilt for so long, depending on how far someone must be to be aware of how bad they are or what they did when they come to terms with it.

You are loving and warm, and you shouldn't ctb if you have this Immersion to act on it because of guilt, then you are being guilt tripped and that is equally as worse, because you owned up to the feelings, and that should be enough, especially as you conveyed that reaction the moment you realized to even share it even if it might've been oversharing in context.

I'm so sorry you feel that way, but you should not do this for such reason, because your hurt is deeply moving for me to say you should still be here, but join recovery and take steps while you fully embrace this human experience as you need more time, dear champion <3

Thank you for your kind words. It is very, very hard to maintain the mindset that I must work on myself. It is so difficult to trick myself into thinking I deserve to get better, but I am going to try and do it anyway. Thank you

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

To be honest part of why I want to commit suicide is cus of the intense guilt and shame I feel for some of the bad things I have done tho what I have done is different. For me I feel like I need to continue to hate myself as that's what I think I deserve and to be incentived not to do that action again. I totally understand hating yourself to the point were you think you don't deserve to live but as long as you feel remorse for what you have done and want to do not do it again, I would say you are a good person. A bad person wouldn't care if what they did was bad. I hope one way or another you can escape your guilt. If you do decide on suicide then know its not cowardly as that in itself is very difficult to do.

I deeply relate to this in every way as a soul who knows the act of being vulnerable with people and hurting others immersiblely. I am, in fact, not dying, though, because of the guilt or shame associated with being a human being, but because I've been so confused with who I am from being used as the type of person I am and as a girl, our needs are usually more emotionally considered than boys for us to be aware of our heart but equally value our boundaries that it is acceptable in society even, and I hope you and the author in writing have a sense of peace during your ctb. I just wish I wasn't guilt tripped as a girl for lying though and being used and manipulated that I want to die, but realizing the state of this world, it has always been my calling to leave it, but I literally hate losing myself because I am too kind hearted but equally alone without a future in mind and without a reassurance to cry onto knowing I've always been deeply broken inside...