Hi all,
This is going to be a long story and I apologize in advance. I've been traveling recently to go see and try to help someone that I care about a lot. Things went badly, in a way that I did not expect. But I guess this experience just helps confirm that life is not for me.
I traveled this week for 22 hours to go see the father of the child that I lost recently, to offer him help and to support him with what he is going through and to help him get closure over the loss that we experienced. I consider him one of my best friends. I've watched him deteriorate and fall apart physically, mentally and emotionally for half a year now. I've felt guilty every day and as if it's my fault that they have been going down this path of isolation and self-destruction.
They were in a car accident almost a year ago and I feel awful about the fact that they could have passed away from that and that they lost their vehicle. I think they hold a grudge towards me over the car and baby situation, because I did not help them enough at the time because I assumed their family would assist him and be there for him.
I traveled far to offer them a new car, as they have asked me for help with that a few times over this past year. It seems like this vehicle is the only thing that gave them some kind of joy and happiness in life. Without it, they have not been the same person anymore. I've had to watch them change for the worse for 7 long and very painful months. I've been terrified of losing them to CTB or to any car accidents for this past year.
I've spent every day asking if they are alright, how they are doing, if they are able to eat, do they have enough food, do they need anything? I've tried my best to support them through this tough situation. I've let them know that I'm here for them and that I'm not going to abandon him despite what they are going through.
On Tuesday, I offered him help with a new car and with all the practicalities related to that as I can tell that he's struggling to function. This was my goal and purpose with the trip. Unfortunately, his new partner (who he was with a few times before and maybe cheated on me with during our relationships too?) who gave us an STI that complicated my previously failed pregnancy and that could have caused me to become infertile as I was not aware that he and she infected me with anything for a long time, appeared and would not leave. She apparently didn't know that we are friends and that we talk. I was told that I've been kept a secret for over half a year? I am not sure why and I'll never know why it seems because I'm not given any answers. I was told that my best friend/the father of my child/my former partner, apparently hates me and is scared of me by her, infront of him. Apparently he talks badly about me all the time.
I wanted to talk to him about the car situation and about the loss of our child, but for the majority of a 6 hour conversation on his front lawn, she was interjecting herself and talking about herself instead. I do not know this person and she kept bringing up very random things about herself and taking up valuable time that I worked very hard for, spent a lot of money on, and traveled far for. She was being disrespectful to me and to him. I had to watch her emotionally and mentally abuse him infront of me for hours. I didn't know what to do as she's apparently a violent and unstable person who's no longer taking her medication, according to him. She seemed very unstable and weird, I did not want to be hit or for him to get hurt.
It was incredibly painful for me to watch the person that I care about the most, be abused right infront of my eyes, for such a long period of time. I tried to ask her to stop attacking him once as I could tell that he was breaking down mentally and that he couldn't take it much longer, and she told me to not tell her how she should talk to her 'boyfriend'. Meanwhile she kept accusing him of having yelled at her and of him being abusive to her verbally, when he never was. I had to use my dead child as an excuse to make her leave us alone after 5 insane hours, just so that I could talk to him alone and ask if he was okey.
He broke down and cried. He explained that she abuses him like this every day for several hours daily. I have only seen him cry twice before. I was shocked with everything I had witnessed. I was just here to get a car situation sorted out for him, and now I had to get involved in this instead. He asked me what to do and I said I think he should leave her because of the abuse that he's been describing and the horrible things she said about him. I now understood why he's changed so much in the past 7 months and why he's been saying things that are completely out of character. He has lost himself, possibly due to the abuse and isolation that she put him through.
He started laying a plan with me and told me he wanted to kick her out around Valentines Day. I said I support whatever he does and he asked if I'll be around then and I said I could stay around. I changed my trip to make sure that I could stay longer so that I could be nearby in case she becomes violent to him and so we can go sort out the vehicle stuff once she is gone. He told me he'd contact me soon regarding more details. The talk ended around 07 in evening since it got too cold to stand around outside and she would not give us any privacy so we could not go inside.
I felt a little better at the end of the talk because he seemed hopefully, positive, himself again and ready to fix the situation by getting out of this abuse and sorting the car stuff out. The next day he messaged me about the new plans and ideas. He now suddenly wanted to wait a month or so before he kicks her out. He was worried that his family would be upset with him if he kicks her out now? Despite her and him saying to me the day prior that his family does not like her, and her family does not like him. It kind of sucked since I did extent my travel plans and made them for this week. But I understand that it's important for abuse victims to know and feel that they have a support network and care from those around them, before they break out of an abusive situation and to prevent them from falling back in with their abuser, so I did not feel upset with him. He assured me several times that he will get out of this and that he will keep me informed of the entire plan and situation.
I tried to check up on him during the following days to make sure that he's alright and that he's not being harmed. I did not get any replies anymore suddenly. I stayed calm and thought that maybe he's going through with it now? Yesterday I started feeling worried, I had comprehended and realised the full extent of the abuse that she put him through and how scared he was. I tried to reach out, but again, no response?
I decided to go over there today, I had no plans or intentions of doing this, but I was just concerned. Nobody was home, apart from his dad. I was able to talk to him and he was very nice to me. He explained that nobody likes her and that they all want her gone. He didn't understand why his son would be worried about them getting upset with him over removing her from the home, when they have kicked her out before. I asked if he could just let him know that he cares and that we will be here for him and that he won't be alone in this. It was a good conversation and I felt like I sorted out the biggest obstacle and worry for him.
He and his partner arrived home shortly after. I wasn't really sure how to talk to him when she was there, so I wrote down "nod if you need help" on the backside of a envelope and I said I was there to go through some pregnancy papers with him. She would not leave us alone. I asked if she could close the front door at least, but she was right behind it and would not budge this time.
I whispered at him if he's okey and if he wanted help to go through with the plan. He said no. I showed the envelope writing and he said no, I do not want to go through with the plan anymore. I was a bit confused. He could not look at me. He was looking at the ground, speaking in a monotone voice and keeping a straight face during the entire conversation. I didn't really know what was going on. He randomly started saying that she's the one for him, that they are happy togheter now, that things are so good, that there's nobody else he wants to be with, etc. I didn't really know what to say or do because I thought he was being abused and that he was terrified of her.
I asked why he didn't just let me know that he changed his mind and he said he tried to write me a message about it many times, but that he physically wasn't able to. He explained that he can talk to me because she now allows him to, but that he has to report to her every time that we do talk? I have no idea why. He said he does not want to talk to me anymore because it suddenly doesn't feel right, even though we have talked this entire time without any issues. I asked if he wanted to end our friendship over this person and he said yes. It was quite hurtful. I said so you want to be with someone who's ruining all your friendships, your family, and who's made us lose our child, and he said yes.
His partner does not like his family, nor her own. She causes arguments and fights with his family, to the point that they were both being kicked out just some months ago. I had no idea that she caused that situation, until they both told me that on Tuesday and the dad confirmed it today as well. I said so you want to be alone without anyone to depend upon or ask for help from if you ever become homeless again? And he said basically that would be the case now that he's removing me from his life. I asked if he's going to block me now and he said yes probably. I'm not really sure why I just lost my best friend or why I'm being punished, nor what I'm being punished over. I helped him during the homeless situation and I was here to help him mourn the loss of our child which he has not gotten over, and the loss of the vehicle that he worked so incredibly hard for, and to help him get his life in order again. I wanted him to see and know that he's not alone and that me and his family care about him deeply.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if he's scared, being controlled, or what, or if he truly now is wildly in love with this person and believes that she's not abusive anymore suddenly. I'm not sure how to read the situation. I feel sad that he's letting her push him away from everyone that cares about him and that she's manipulated him to this point. I wish I realised and knew about all of this sooner. I've been trying very hard to be here for him, but I just didn't realise until too late that he's been through this 7 entire months. I feel absolutely horrible.
Everything that did not make sense for the past half year, finally does make sense now. I feel ashamed and responsible for having let this go on for so long, I never want someone to go through this. I'm conflicted about what to do now as he has been in this exact same situation with her a couple years ago. He said these very same things then too and I respected that because I thought he meant it and that he was happy, but just hours later when we were able to talk alone in private, he broke down and told me that none of this was true and that they both abuse each other and that he doesn't want to be in the situation anymore. I'm sad that he's potentionally found himself back in this same situation again, with the very same person.
I felt heartbroken for him today when I was watching him say these things again, because I think I realised that he's either being manipulated and controlled to such a great extent that I cannot help him out of this or that he's lost it mentally and that he's completely gone due to the paranoia and negativity that she's inflicted upon him. Watching them interact with each other on Tuesday felt bizzare as they did not seem to like each other and there was no affection between the two nor chemistry. I worry about him still, but I can't do anything anymore and I can't tell what he's feeling or what he wants. I wish he could be himself again and that he'd stop being so scared. I wish he'd give life a second chance, but he looks as if he has given up on life and he said it a few times earlier this week too. It's hard to know that someone I have faith in, does not have faith and hope in themselves.
I don't know what to say or what to do. I've still not been blocked and so I'm not sure what is going on. I just want to go home and figure out my next attempt, but my flight seems delayed and all I want to do is cry and give up on life. I don't think there's anything more painful for me than to watch someone that I care about, end up losing themselves.
This is going to be a long story and I apologize in advance. I've been traveling recently to go see and try to help someone that I care about a lot. Things went badly, in a way that I did not expect. But I guess this experience just helps confirm that life is not for me.
I traveled this week for 22 hours to go see the father of the child that I lost recently, to offer him help and to support him with what he is going through and to help him get closure over the loss that we experienced. I consider him one of my best friends. I've watched him deteriorate and fall apart physically, mentally and emotionally for half a year now. I've felt guilty every day and as if it's my fault that they have been going down this path of isolation and self-destruction.
They were in a car accident almost a year ago and I feel awful about the fact that they could have passed away from that and that they lost their vehicle. I think they hold a grudge towards me over the car and baby situation, because I did not help them enough at the time because I assumed their family would assist him and be there for him.
I traveled far to offer them a new car, as they have asked me for help with that a few times over this past year. It seems like this vehicle is the only thing that gave them some kind of joy and happiness in life. Without it, they have not been the same person anymore. I've had to watch them change for the worse for 7 long and very painful months. I've been terrified of losing them to CTB or to any car accidents for this past year.
I've spent every day asking if they are alright, how they are doing, if they are able to eat, do they have enough food, do they need anything? I've tried my best to support them through this tough situation. I've let them know that I'm here for them and that I'm not going to abandon him despite what they are going through.
On Tuesday, I offered him help with a new car and with all the practicalities related to that as I can tell that he's struggling to function. This was my goal and purpose with the trip. Unfortunately, his new partner (who he was with a few times before and maybe cheated on me with during our relationships too?) who gave us an STI that complicated my previously failed pregnancy and that could have caused me to become infertile as I was not aware that he and she infected me with anything for a long time, appeared and would not leave. She apparently didn't know that we are friends and that we talk. I was told that I've been kept a secret for over half a year? I am not sure why and I'll never know why it seems because I'm not given any answers. I was told that my best friend/the father of my child/my former partner, apparently hates me and is scared of me by her, infront of him. Apparently he talks badly about me all the time.
I wanted to talk to him about the car situation and about the loss of our child, but for the majority of a 6 hour conversation on his front lawn, she was interjecting herself and talking about herself instead. I do not know this person and she kept bringing up very random things about herself and taking up valuable time that I worked very hard for, spent a lot of money on, and traveled far for. She was being disrespectful to me and to him. I had to watch her emotionally and mentally abuse him infront of me for hours. I didn't know what to do as she's apparently a violent and unstable person who's no longer taking her medication, according to him. She seemed very unstable and weird, I did not want to be hit or for him to get hurt.
It was incredibly painful for me to watch the person that I care about the most, be abused right infront of my eyes, for such a long period of time. I tried to ask her to stop attacking him once as I could tell that he was breaking down mentally and that he couldn't take it much longer, and she told me to not tell her how she should talk to her 'boyfriend'. Meanwhile she kept accusing him of having yelled at her and of him being abusive to her verbally, when he never was. I had to use my dead child as an excuse to make her leave us alone after 5 insane hours, just so that I could talk to him alone and ask if he was okey.
He broke down and cried. He explained that she abuses him like this every day for several hours daily. I have only seen him cry twice before. I was shocked with everything I had witnessed. I was just here to get a car situation sorted out for him, and now I had to get involved in this instead. He asked me what to do and I said I think he should leave her because of the abuse that he's been describing and the horrible things she said about him. I now understood why he's changed so much in the past 7 months and why he's been saying things that are completely out of character. He has lost himself, possibly due to the abuse and isolation that she put him through.
He started laying a plan with me and told me he wanted to kick her out around Valentines Day. I said I support whatever he does and he asked if I'll be around then and I said I could stay around. I changed my trip to make sure that I could stay longer so that I could be nearby in case she becomes violent to him and so we can go sort out the vehicle stuff once she is gone. He told me he'd contact me soon regarding more details. The talk ended around 07 in evening since it got too cold to stand around outside and she would not give us any privacy so we could not go inside.
I felt a little better at the end of the talk because he seemed hopefully, positive, himself again and ready to fix the situation by getting out of this abuse and sorting the car stuff out. The next day he messaged me about the new plans and ideas. He now suddenly wanted to wait a month or so before he kicks her out. He was worried that his family would be upset with him if he kicks her out now? Despite her and him saying to me the day prior that his family does not like her, and her family does not like him. It kind of sucked since I did extent my travel plans and made them for this week. But I understand that it's important for abuse victims to know and feel that they have a support network and care from those around them, before they break out of an abusive situation and to prevent them from falling back in with their abuser, so I did not feel upset with him. He assured me several times that he will get out of this and that he will keep me informed of the entire plan and situation.
I tried to check up on him during the following days to make sure that he's alright and that he's not being harmed. I did not get any replies anymore suddenly. I stayed calm and thought that maybe he's going through with it now? Yesterday I started feeling worried, I had comprehended and realised the full extent of the abuse that she put him through and how scared he was. I tried to reach out, but again, no response?
I decided to go over there today, I had no plans or intentions of doing this, but I was just concerned. Nobody was home, apart from his dad. I was able to talk to him and he was very nice to me. He explained that nobody likes her and that they all want her gone. He didn't understand why his son would be worried about them getting upset with him over removing her from the home, when they have kicked her out before. I asked if he could just let him know that he cares and that we will be here for him and that he won't be alone in this. It was a good conversation and I felt like I sorted out the biggest obstacle and worry for him.
He and his partner arrived home shortly after. I wasn't really sure how to talk to him when she was there, so I wrote down "nod if you need help" on the backside of a envelope and I said I was there to go through some pregnancy papers with him. She would not leave us alone. I asked if she could close the front door at least, but she was right behind it and would not budge this time.
I whispered at him if he's okey and if he wanted help to go through with the plan. He said no. I showed the envelope writing and he said no, I do not want to go through with the plan anymore. I was a bit confused. He could not look at me. He was looking at the ground, speaking in a monotone voice and keeping a straight face during the entire conversation. I didn't really know what was going on. He randomly started saying that she's the one for him, that they are happy togheter now, that things are so good, that there's nobody else he wants to be with, etc. I didn't really know what to say or do because I thought he was being abused and that he was terrified of her.
I asked why he didn't just let me know that he changed his mind and he said he tried to write me a message about it many times, but that he physically wasn't able to. He explained that he can talk to me because she now allows him to, but that he has to report to her every time that we do talk? I have no idea why. He said he does not want to talk to me anymore because it suddenly doesn't feel right, even though we have talked this entire time without any issues. I asked if he wanted to end our friendship over this person and he said yes. It was quite hurtful. I said so you want to be with someone who's ruining all your friendships, your family, and who's made us lose our child, and he said yes.
His partner does not like his family, nor her own. She causes arguments and fights with his family, to the point that they were both being kicked out just some months ago. I had no idea that she caused that situation, until they both told me that on Tuesday and the dad confirmed it today as well. I said so you want to be alone without anyone to depend upon or ask for help from if you ever become homeless again? And he said basically that would be the case now that he's removing me from his life. I asked if he's going to block me now and he said yes probably. I'm not really sure why I just lost my best friend or why I'm being punished, nor what I'm being punished over. I helped him during the homeless situation and I was here to help him mourn the loss of our child which he has not gotten over, and the loss of the vehicle that he worked so incredibly hard for, and to help him get his life in order again. I wanted him to see and know that he's not alone and that me and his family care about him deeply.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if he's scared, being controlled, or what, or if he truly now is wildly in love with this person and believes that she's not abusive anymore suddenly. I'm not sure how to read the situation. I feel sad that he's letting her push him away from everyone that cares about him and that she's manipulated him to this point. I wish I realised and knew about all of this sooner. I've been trying very hard to be here for him, but I just didn't realise until too late that he's been through this 7 entire months. I feel absolutely horrible.
Everything that did not make sense for the past half year, finally does make sense now. I feel ashamed and responsible for having let this go on for so long, I never want someone to go through this. I'm conflicted about what to do now as he has been in this exact same situation with her a couple years ago. He said these very same things then too and I respected that because I thought he meant it and that he was happy, but just hours later when we were able to talk alone in private, he broke down and told me that none of this was true and that they both abuse each other and that he doesn't want to be in the situation anymore. I'm sad that he's potentionally found himself back in this same situation again, with the very same person.
I felt heartbroken for him today when I was watching him say these things again, because I think I realised that he's either being manipulated and controlled to such a great extent that I cannot help him out of this or that he's lost it mentally and that he's completely gone due to the paranoia and negativity that she's inflicted upon him. Watching them interact with each other on Tuesday felt bizzare as they did not seem to like each other and there was no affection between the two nor chemistry. I worry about him still, but I can't do anything anymore and I can't tell what he's feeling or what he wants. I wish he could be himself again and that he'd stop being so scared. I wish he'd give life a second chance, but he looks as if he has given up on life and he said it a few times earlier this week too. It's hard to know that someone I have faith in, does not have faith and hope in themselves.
I don't know what to say or what to do. I've still not been blocked and so I'm not sure what is going on. I just want to go home and figure out my next attempt, but my flight seems delayed and all I want to do is cry and give up on life. I don't think there's anything more painful for me than to watch someone that I care about, end up losing themselves.
