Symptoms of Abuse of Unknown Origin

[Deo volente]

Has anybody felt symptoms of childhood emotional abuse (like intense self-hatred and insecurity) without being able to point out any abusive situation from your childhood?

Reading some posts here, I have realized that I don't actually know specifically where so many of the negative beliefs I have about myself come from. I always thought my family was loving and good to me. However, increasingly I wonder how it could be that at once I could come from such a family and also have such deep self-hatred, insecurity and contempt, without knowing where else it could've come from.

Can anybody else relate to this experience?

 

[western_heart]

Yes. eventually some of the memories came back after moving back in with my parents as an adult & other factors (therapy, drugs, research into the effects of childhood trauma, ptsd diagnosis). There's a lot I don't know about my childhood and probably never will, but I am certain that I would not have turned out the way I am if I was treated well as a child.

 

[lionetta12]

Has anybody felt symptoms of childhood emotional abuse (like intense self-hatred and insecurity) without being able to point out any abusive situation from your childhood?

Reading some posts here, I have realized that I don't actually know specifically where so many of the negative beliefs I have about myself come from. I always thought my family was loving and good to me. However, increasingly I wonder how it could be that at once I could come from such a family and also have such deep self-hatred, insecurity and contempt, without knowing where else it could've come from.

Can anybody else relate to this experience?

Sounds like you might have trauma and memories that you have supressed, although you might not remember it in your surface memory, your body and brain has taken damage from whatever happened and thus you might be feeling these ways. That's just my guess.

 

[Anonymus]

I have these symptoms, without a doubt.. the problem is that I remember everything from my childhood starting two weeks later when I turned 2.. I remember it because we moved into a new apartment around Easter of the year 1980. And then I already had anxiety and problems socializing with other children. What had to happen happened before, but I highly doubt that someone abused me and never did it again from the age of 2.


I have to find out why it happens, but before the age of two the memories are very weak and they don't tell me anything.

//

En tinc d'aquest símptomes, sens dubte.. el problema es que recordo tot de la meva infància a partir dues setmanes més tard de fer els 2 anys.. ho recordo perquè vem entrar a viure a un pis nou pels voltants de setmana santa de l'any 1980. I llavors ja tenía ansietat i problemes per socialitzar amb altres nens. El que hagués de passar va passar abans, però dubto molt que algú abusés de mi i no ho fés mai més a partir dels 2 anys.


Tinc que averiguar perquè passa, però d'abans dels dos anys els records són molt febles i no em diuen pas res.

 

[milkandcoffee]

A big part of my problem is actually childhood emotional neglect. Raised by a single dad who failed to attune to me, failed to validate me, failed to protect me from abuse at school. I thought my family was fine as a kid- I had enough to eat and video games and all the school supplies I needed, right? But I never felt safe or like I could approach my family with problems. I was always just left to deal on my own. Made to feel guilty for having needs beyond food and clothing.

Something to think about. Hard to remember things that didn't happen.

 

[Pluto]

The first problem to be aware of is that we only have one childhood, not two. There is nothing to compare it to, therefore whatever happened is automatically "normal/not a problem". In a way, everyone is abused; for example, the school system is fundamentally atrocious. Let's just say that standards are extremely low.

Suppression of memories can be a problem, but so can denying the significance of both individual events and the accumulation of mini-traumas in a dysfunctional family or school environment. I learned this the hard way.

It was only in the past year that I realised that the way I was treated by a sister in childhood actually counts as sexual abuse. She had gender dysphoria and was jealous of me for being a boy. In early childhood, I remember being locked in a room with her, forced to wear girl's clothing and perform acts while bawling my eyes out. In later years, she toned it down but never ceased expressing repeated contempt for men. Internally, I concluded that boys are inferior and girls should be left alone.

Another older sister contributed to the gang-bashing and an all-boys Catholic school, followed by a Hikikomori lifestyle as a young adult, prevented me from ever interacting with normal young women. While I later managed to work crappy jobs just to get away from toxic parents, the permanent inability to connect with women led to the financial ruin of single-income households, no matter how hard I worked. The isolation led to mental illness and an inability to make male friends since nobody could relate to my loner tendencies.

And yes, I was over the age of 40 when I finally realised that even though so many people have been through more acute trauma and it didn't seem that bad comparatively, what happened with my sister does count as sexual abuse and the proof is in the ruin it caused. By the way, the same sister covered up the whole thing, dismissing me as merely autistic and went on to live a normal family life; mercifully she has a daughter but no sons.

 

[girlsboysthems]

Has anybody felt symptoms of childhood emotional abuse (like intense self-hatred and insecurity) without being able to point out any abusive situation from your childhood?

Reading some posts here, I have realized that I don't actually know specifically where so many of the negative beliefs I have about myself come from. I always thought my family was loving and good to me. However, increasingly I wonder how it could be that at once I could come from such a family and also have such deep self-hatred, insecurity and contempt, without knowing where else it could've come from.

Can anybody else relate to this experience?

yeah. my therapist says I have trauma but I doubt it. I just always hated life for no reason whatsoever.