Syrian Rue seeds stopped me panicking and crying today, though it still sucked with depression and thoughts of planning ctb. But tonight, weed too - and suddenly my Ayahuasca trip is coming back. In my Aya trip, it cleared my self-hatred. Even my mother who barely notices anything about anyone else said that I seemed so much happier after the Ayahuasca trip - and the self hatred I had before it never came back.
I'm writing this to remember the trip and see if there is anything else in it that I can glean, or if I should write it off to my brain on drugs. Any thoughts very welcome. I look back on that trip now and see it as magical thinking perhaps - but perhaps it also rewired my brain, as otherwise how would we explain the improvement in my mental health? Here's a the relevant bit of the trip:
So the Shaman (who was leading the retreat guided us to all have an intention for our trip. He said to me, because I was stuck, that mine should be to 'reclaim my power'. We were in a yurt, in a mountain in Southern Spain. I agreed that was a good idea. I had maybe 2 or 3 times the dose of everyone else in the group, on the Shaman's recommendation and my agreement.
the trip starts - this is common, with a feeling like I was in a spaceship/pod. The drug was making me feel like I was being moved by forces, I still don't know if I was actually physically moving or it was the feel of the drug.In my head I was begging Aya not to take me back to my childhood because I could not handle re-experiencing it again.
Thankfully, the Aya did not go there. It was more of a verbal experience - I did not stop talking the whole way through the trip - whereas everyone else in the room was quiet. I'm sure it was really disturbing! I kept saying that I chose my mother and I asked her to hate me because it is how I hate myself. I was aware of my own self-hatred and that I had asked her to play a role to externalise it, so I could purify myself from it.
When I drank Aya, now over 10 years ago, I was a proper hippie. I believed in reincarnation. I believed we choose our parents before we are born for the 'life lessons' we need to know. I believed my abusive mother was my 'greatest teacher'. I believed she was teaching me boundaries and how to not be motivated by guilt.
(Erm, now I just believe she tried to destroy me and isn't there for me even in my darkest hour. We are now estranged and as a I type that it makes me really happy that we are estranged).
I'm writing this to remember the trip and see if there is anything else in it that I can glean, or if I should write it off to my brain on drugs. Any thoughts very welcome. I look back on that trip now and see it as magical thinking perhaps - but perhaps it also rewired my brain, as otherwise how would we explain the improvement in my mental health? Here's a the relevant bit of the trip:
So the Shaman (who was leading the retreat guided us to all have an intention for our trip. He said to me, because I was stuck, that mine should be to 'reclaim my power'. We were in a yurt, in a mountain in Southern Spain. I agreed that was a good idea. I had maybe 2 or 3 times the dose of everyone else in the group, on the Shaman's recommendation and my agreement.
the trip starts - this is common, with a feeling like I was in a spaceship/pod. The drug was making me feel like I was being moved by forces, I still don't know if I was actually physically moving or it was the feel of the drug.In my head I was begging Aya not to take me back to my childhood because I could not handle re-experiencing it again.
Thankfully, the Aya did not go there. It was more of a verbal experience - I did not stop talking the whole way through the trip - whereas everyone else in the room was quiet. I'm sure it was really disturbing! I kept saying that I chose my mother and I asked her to hate me because it is how I hate myself. I was aware of my own self-hatred and that I had asked her to play a role to externalise it, so I could purify myself from it.
When I drank Aya, now over 10 years ago, I was a proper hippie. I believed in reincarnation. I believed we choose our parents before we are born for the 'life lessons' we need to know. I believed my abusive mother was my 'greatest teacher'. I believed she was teaching me boundaries and how to not be motivated by guilt.
(Erm, now I just believe she tried to destroy me and isn't there for me even in my darkest hour. We are now estranged and as a I type that it makes me really happy that we are estranged).
