Taking baby steps

[WinterFaust]

Just some thoughts. I'm not making the kind of progress if l'd like but I'm trying to remind myself that my depressive episode has lasted about a year and has been pretty severe. I'm still struggling with energy and my memory so it will take some to recover.

So far I've been doing a lot better with hygiene but still struggling to eat. Not much weight left to lose at this point so something has to give. I also failed in my goal to leave my house at least once this week...

My hearing loss this year has been a big source of my wanting to ctb. I saw an ENT at the end of January and was told I was young and the problem should clear up. It didn't. It's only gotten noticeably worse.

So, I've decided to try to schedule with another ENT for next week to try to get another opinion. Maybe this one will have some answers. It will also be the first time I have left my house since early March. I'm anxious.

A big part of me feels like this is completely useless. I honestly think that's mostly fear than anything. I'm terrified of this amounting to nothing. I'm terrified of going outside. I'm terrified of trying to recover in general. What if it's too late for me? But I'm tired of feeling stuck and trapped so even though it's not much, I'm doing a little to move forward.

 

[pickajack]

Cheering you on @WinterFaust

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Proud of you for moving forward no matter how slowly. I was the same. Last year I was dying from self neglect compounded by existing medical issues. I put one faltering foot in front of the other and moved slowly forward. When I couldn't walk, I crawled and when I couldn't crawl, I rested and forgave myself.
The fight is never over and any victory, no matter how small is worthy of admiration. It's impossible to just fix it all at once and that means you have no choice but to try to fix it in bits and pieces: push yourself, but understand your limits and learn to accept them even as you push them further.
Before my life collapsed I would have scoffed at this attitude; it may be clichéd, but when it's all you've got then you'll take any deal on the table and be glad of it.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Small steps, man, small steps. You're doing great, we believe in you.

 

[muffin222]

Small steps are all you need to take to get there I'm sending you my support

 

[WillOxyWork]

You've got a lot of strength to keep pushing through everything you've endured.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

I think it is great that despite the massive problems and trauma you have experienced, you are deciding to push on!
I know it may be a little thing to start with, but sometimes it is what could bring potential happiness.
I am very happy for you and will be hoping nothing but the best happens to you from here on! :)
Thank you for letting us know.
It's true that there may be problems on your path, but I still want to believe you will deal with them and tell them: You do not control me! This is my life.

Anyway, I am being positive again, but seeing this earlier made me smile for some reason. It's good when people find strength no matter how big or small to try and adjust to something and carry on.
And yes, the fear... That is the worst enemy. I can relate to that a lot. If you find a way to push against it and put it down in it's place, you will perhaps manage to achieve a lot. Fear, it's truly a nasty monster. I am also hoping I can get behind my fears one day like that... :)

 

[pickajack]

@WinterFaust Thinking of this thread as I take my own baby steps this morning. Thank you for sharing and opening the thread. Keep stepping!

 

[WinterFaust]

Thank you all so much for being so kind and positive. I didn't realize how much I needed that so thank you

 

[Deleted member 19276]

It's alright, thank you so much for taking the said baby steps. :)
We will be cheering for you!

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Just some thoughts. I'm not making the kind of progress if l'd like but I'm trying to remind myself that my depressive episode has lasted about a year and has been pretty severe. I'm still struggling with energy and my memory so it will take some to recover.

So far I've been doing a lot better with hygiene but still struggling to eat. Not much weight left to lose at this point so something has to give. I also failed in my goal to leave my house at least once this week...

My hearing loss this year has been a big source of my wanting to ctb. I saw an ENT at the end of January and was told I was young and the problem should clear up. It didn't. It's only gotten noticeably worse.

So, I've decided to try to schedule with another ENT for next week to try to get another opinion. Maybe this one will have some answers. It will also be the first time I have left my house since early March. I'm anxious.

A big part of me feels like this is completely useless. I honestly think that's mostly fear than anything. I'm terrified of this amounting to nothing. I'm terrified of going outside. I'm terrified of trying to recover in general. What if it's too late for me? But I'm tired of feeling stuck and trapped so even though it's not much, I'm doing a little to move forward.

You are doing amazing. Keep it up :)

 

[WinterFaust]

A little update. There's been a lot of one step forward, five steps back this past month. It's been hard. Any motivation I have is like an incredibly short-lived fuse, I get burnt out so quickly. And then I get embarrassed and upset with myself for not making meaningful progress on even the small stuff. Then comes the comparisons to where others are and I feel so behind.

But a few things that I have managed to do. I looked at my credit report, which I was terrified of doing for months. It's as bad as I thought it was going to be. But I made some payments towards some accounts. I may give some non-profit financial counselors a call but I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I used to have good credit though so it's a bit of a sore spot.

I scheduled an intake appointment so that I can see a psychiatrist again. Here's hoping the meds I try will not give me awful side effects and actually stabilize my mood. Intake is in a few days and then the psychiatrist visit is in two weeks.

It's alright, thank you so much for taking the said baby steps. :)
We will be cheering for you!

Thank you so much! You've been sending so much kindness, encouragement, and support my way. The positivity means so much. Thank you, truly.

You are doing amazing. Keep it up :)

Thank you! I don't feel like I'm doing much but I've decided to take your word for it today :)

 

[Passerby]

Please keep trying, because you sound like someone who has a chance at making it out.

I do hope everything works out for you and good luck friend!

 

[WinterFaust]

Please keep trying, because you sound like someone who has a chance at making it out.

I do hope everything works out for you and good luck friend!

Thank you, I truly appreciate your well wishes. They mean a lot right now. I'm so tired but I'll try to keep going.