Venting Talking to no one : P

[Vaermina8]

What if I just want to talk to an open void for a bit? To be quite frank I doubt anyone will really read this but maybe that's just my self doubt talking for me, hard to tell. I've been trying to get better, well much more then I was before. I think it started after me and my ex broke up, I noticed now how before I kind of brushed my issues away, or just over all let them consume me.

Obviously that didn't turn out so well for our relationship (we broke up), well we also both had our own shit, a different time a different place and maybe it could have worked out, I tell myself to not think about the 'should of - could of - and would of' because logically there's no point as it won't happen so why put energy towards it? But I suppose I derive some satisfaction for putting myself down, probably why I'm like this. Also funny side note. Grammarly is shouting at me while I write this lol

I'm procrastinating school work right now, I don't know, I think I should try to make myself feel better before I start working again so hence this thread? post? Idk what it's called.

I think I was a poor partner, it was hard to see it while inside of the relationship but now looking from the outside I can see my faults. It kind of makes me scared to get into another relationship, I don't want to repeat the same mistakes and be better, but to be honest I don't know if I'll even find someone again to embrace in that duet of a boat ride. Again could be self doubt, but, honestly it still is a crazy idea to me that someone liked me back. Maybe my self image is too far gone lol, at least I can count my strengths. I couldn't do that before.

It's quite ironic, I'm writing a story about someone trying to reach out of the pit of loneliness and realize the value in others and yet here I am not talking to anyone in specific. Maybe I'm just too scared, I always did find it hard to open up. Shouldn't be an excuse to not try tho.

I also don't know how I'll know when I've moved on, is it when I stop thinking about them? That I'm not too sure of because I always look back on my past mistakes (yes I recognize it's a bad habit but I don't know how to stop that) or when I stop missing them? Sometimes I wish we just had one last conversation, just to ask how they're doing. Because I truly hope the decision we made was for the best. After all I still care for them.

Meh, doesn't sound like I'm over it. I wish I have more opportunities to get out and see people, it does a lot to not only just have simple interaction but to see the beauty of nature. Like (yes it's going to be a silly thought) how trees remind me a lot of fractals with the way their leaves are structured. And also I just want to interact with people. The funny thing is once I start staying indoors my mood swifts into a complete 180, where I want to stay in my room and rot away forever.

It's quite funny, I feel lonely even though I have friends, like Tantalus. Surrounded by a lake of water but yet can never quench his thirst, except in my case the only one holding back the water is no god's punishment but my own doing. But who have guessed that letting of old habits can be so hard.

Anyway thank you dear one reader who has spent their time listening to my barely put together rant, I hope you have a good day or night : )
And if it's night then hopefully you can get some good sleep soon! If it's day then hopefully we can enjoy it, the best thing we can do

 

[Pathetic and Sad]

Break ups are hard... had one myself recently enough, I was lucky enough to find a friend right after right here that finally gave me the courage to detach the last bits of attachment I had with my ex, otherwise I will probably still try contacting her or maybe even try and stalk her (I know it's creepy and wrong). Even after breaking up I tried talking to her several times before finally realizing it was my loneliness that made me act creepily... so I finally bit the bullet and tried making a friend here, shared my situation and it really helped. So yeah, I don't know if you are looking for a suggestion, but I would really recommend u find some friend (even here if not irl, and not just "friends", just someone with whom you can really share stuffs and you yourself are comfortable with it), to talk to and share stuffs, it would really help you get over things.

And just because one person moved on from you doesn't mean you no longer deserve love... I'm sure you'll find someone out there eager to give plenty of that to you :)

 

[Vaermina8]

Thank you, I believe you're quite right as well. When you talk to someone about these things, you have to articulate it in a meaningful way that's different from just the thoughts in your head. To me it makes me mull it over and truly analyze it in a sense, and plus it's the hardest for us to see in ourselves. Some time has passed since I have posted this and I have found someone unique and nice to talk to, certainly quite a guy haha.

And yeah, I'm sure I'll find someone to give that love to me. Probably not soon (I still have a lot of shit I need to work through lol) but sometime in the future. Again thank you, hope the next sunrise or sunset is one of the most beautiful you have seen in a long time : )