Boots2Scoots
Piece of dirt
- Jan 23, 2025
- 40
I recently discovered this forum probably about a month ago. It is such a breath of fresh air from the normal talks of how bad it is to CTB and how every life is precious.... yada-yada-yada.
My views on life have always been skewed since probably around 8 or 9. I've always felt like there is no reason for existence and that at the end of the day, it's pointless. The only thing that ever gave me a glimmer of hope or the desire to keep on pushing was being able to make loved ones smile, laugh, and enjoy their lives just a little bit more. That's always been my one true joy. Just seeing them smile.
On the other side though, I was bred to be self destructive. Born into this world to deal with mental illness and the rest of my problems alone. Dad had me doing keg-stands and partying before I was 10. I was kicked out of my place of living at 17 and before that was never really given any guidance outside of "never give up". I only have one friend who truly understands what it's like to live in a brain like mine and while they support whatever decision I make, I don't think they really do. And that's okay because the less people who have to live like this, the better. I hope everyone that I care about has great opportunities and really make the most out of what they have because that's what they want and deserve.
For me on the other hand, I've let my vices destroy my life and in the process made very bad decisions (I won't go into detail about them) that I ultimately can't look past. A big skill that I have is the ability to ignore things which is fine but once the smoke cleared and I reflected, I no longer view myself as a human. Or at least not a good one. No longer do I have the willpower to make people laugh because the weight is too much. I lay in bed most days cuddling with my cats (my only real peace in these times) and otherwise put on a mask when anybody is around. Life is a crazy journey and I believe it could be fun if you live it right. But people like me (and most of you) were never destined to truly prosper. It seems like there was always bound to be something that led us here.
I have plans to CTB by CO (charcoal method) in a few days and nobody knows. I'm making my rounds to see family and friends before I do just to give them one last good memory with me. There was a little while where I felt like things were actually going to be great. But that's no longer the case. I'm definitely sad to let my loved ones down and for the grief that this will cause them but I can't keep pushing on in this mind.
I guess what I really wanted to say in this post is thank you. Thank you for providing a space for people like us to connect and not feel so alone. Or like we're aliens for having bad thoghts. So much of the world is a judgmental crap-heap and it's truly something special to be "surrounded" by people who actually get it. We all have our own reasons as to why but at the end of the day, nobody here cares and is just happy to be supportive when no one else will be. I hope you all have great journies and make it to wherever you want to be. I'll probably make another post when my day comes. Until then, thanks everybody, for being you.
My views on life have always been skewed since probably around 8 or 9. I've always felt like there is no reason for existence and that at the end of the day, it's pointless. The only thing that ever gave me a glimmer of hope or the desire to keep on pushing was being able to make loved ones smile, laugh, and enjoy their lives just a little bit more. That's always been my one true joy. Just seeing them smile.
On the other side though, I was bred to be self destructive. Born into this world to deal with mental illness and the rest of my problems alone. Dad had me doing keg-stands and partying before I was 10. I was kicked out of my place of living at 17 and before that was never really given any guidance outside of "never give up". I only have one friend who truly understands what it's like to live in a brain like mine and while they support whatever decision I make, I don't think they really do. And that's okay because the less people who have to live like this, the better. I hope everyone that I care about has great opportunities and really make the most out of what they have because that's what they want and deserve.
For me on the other hand, I've let my vices destroy my life and in the process made very bad decisions (I won't go into detail about them) that I ultimately can't look past. A big skill that I have is the ability to ignore things which is fine but once the smoke cleared and I reflected, I no longer view myself as a human. Or at least not a good one. No longer do I have the willpower to make people laugh because the weight is too much. I lay in bed most days cuddling with my cats (my only real peace in these times) and otherwise put on a mask when anybody is around. Life is a crazy journey and I believe it could be fun if you live it right. But people like me (and most of you) were never destined to truly prosper. It seems like there was always bound to be something that led us here.
I have plans to CTB by CO (charcoal method) in a few days and nobody knows. I'm making my rounds to see family and friends before I do just to give them one last good memory with me. There was a little while where I felt like things were actually going to be great. But that's no longer the case. I'm definitely sad to let my loved ones down and for the grief that this will cause them but I can't keep pushing on in this mind.
I guess what I really wanted to say in this post is thank you. Thank you for providing a space for people like us to connect and not feel so alone. Or like we're aliens for having bad thoghts. So much of the world is a judgmental crap-heap and it's truly something special to be "surrounded" by people who actually get it. We all have our own reasons as to why but at the end of the day, nobody here cares and is just happy to be supportive when no one else will be. I hope you all have great journies and make it to wherever you want to be. I'll probably make another post when my day comes. Until then, thanks everybody, for being you.
