The closer I come to death to more I want to feel alive its a conflicting feeling

[Buddha.e.c]

Next mouth I have plans to CTB the more I think about it the more I have this urge to feel alive as well because once I'm gone I wont feel anything . Living in pain is making me realize that I'm breathing still ... If you can feel the pain are you alive ?

 

[Lost Magic]

That's a good question. When I recently acquired N, I was ecstatic and happy. Then as time went by a little, I grew sad. I felt sad for the person I wanted to be and I felt sad for all the people I ever hurt in life. It will always be bittersweet to leave this world. It's never easy to give up being human because this is all we know.

 

[timf]

If a person begins to see suicide as the "solution" to all their problems, it can seem to get validation, because a lot of those problems seem to then become less significant. The sense of being freed from the pressure of problems often creates a perspective of optimism.

In a way it can be a basis for hope. If one has been able to push back against the pain by preparing to die, it may be possible to also beat it in more concrete and lasting ways.

 

[Sadbio]

That's a good question. When I recently acquired N, I was ecstatic and happy. Then as time went by a little, I grew sad. I felt sad for the person I wanted to be and I felt sad for all the people I ever hurt in life. It will always be bittersweet to leave this world. It's never easy to give up being human because this is all we know.

Im sorry but what is N?

 

[motel rooms]

I have plans to CTB the more I think about it the more I have this urge to feel alive as well

Can you describe that urge? What does it make you want to do?

 

[Lost Magic]

Im sorry but what is N?

Nembutal. It's an illegal drug that makes you die in your sleep.

 

[iamalwaysalone]

Next mouth I have plans to CTB the more I think about it the more I have this urge to feel alive as well because once I'm gone I wont feel anything . Living in pain is making me realize that I'm breathing still ... If you can feel the pain are you alive ?

this was exactly my experience... one i think it is the survival instinct, two i think it is us slowly becoming friends/familiar with our pain and sadness, three i think because we have hopes and dreams we just don't know how to achieve them. i always think about suicide as a coping mechanism but when i am actually confronted with a possibility -- even painless ones -- i get scared.