NSFW The curse of a male body

[borderline-feline]

I'm afraid that I'll never be able to have vaginoplasty done, which makes me want to die. I'm also afraid of dying while still having a penis, which makes me afraid to die.

I just want and need a fucking vagina, but there are lots of hoops to jump through before I can get the big surgery. I'm sick of tucking. I'm sick of erections, and I'm sick of stretching my underwear. I just want my body to be fixed.

My breasts are nice in terms of size thanks to the implants, but they still look wrong. I don't want to say exactly what the problem is, but it's a common feature of a male chest, and I curse my viking ancestors for it every day. Even my face wasn't spared fully.

Another fear I have is the fear of being remembered as a man despite the fact that I've lived as a woman since I was 19. I haven't gotten my name legally changed yet, because it's confusing, but I can't bear the thought of being deadnamed in my obituary.

 

[Sulyya]

There's no way I can fully understand the feelings but I empathize with this situation often.

 

[dumpstermagic]

legalzoom will do ur name for like 250 and all you gotta do is go show the papers they mail to u to a judge

 

[borderline-feline]

legalzoom will do ur name for like 250 and all you gotta do is go show the papers they mail to u to a judge

That's not at all how a name change works.

 

[dumpstermagic]

That's not at all how a name change works.

yes it is, i did it

 

[AngryDog]

It sounds like a nightmare. I never had those feelings myself, so I can only imagine the pain of being trapped in a body that doesn't represent who you really are. There must be lots of endless bureaucracy in order to get a vaginoplasty. Hope you can stay strong in this hard times and that you can get the surgery you need eventually.

I wish you the best!

 

[borderline-feline]

yes it is, i did it

It doesn't work that way where I live.

 

[juststitches]

as a fellow trans person, i might not understand the exact problems you go through because im the exact opposite, but i 100% get how agonizing dysphoria can be. especially in terms of body dysphoria. i hate how complicated it's to even get on the waiting list to an appointment to START your process for getting transition surgeries done, plus the amount of money and bumps you get on the way to be where you want to be. it's exhausting. i have the same thoughts about my deadname and generally how will i be remembered. my family doesn't support me and i haven't changed my legal name because it hasn't been long since i turned 18 and im still getting that process done. but despite being out for years, for being pre everything all of my family still thinks of me that way, and i cannot put into words how much it disgusts me. it makes me want to die but it makes me being afraid to die too just as you said. it's one of the few things keeping me here, trying to stop being remembered forever like that and with a name that makes me want to rip my skin off on my grave. the society doesn't want trans people, they don't want to even see us alive.

 

[borderline-feline]

It sounds like a nightmare. I never had those feelings myself, so I can only imagine the pain of being trapped in a body that doesn't represent who you really are. There must be lots of endless bureaucracy in order to get a vaginoplasty. Hope you can stay strong in this hard times and that you can get the surgery you need eventually.

I wish you the best!

You have no idea. I have to get genital electrolysis for hair removal in order to get the surgery.

In order to get the electrolysis, I need a letter from a surgeon for the electrologist.

In order to get the surgeon's letter, I need to have an appointment with her.

To get an appointment with her, I need 2 letters from mental health professionals.

To get the second letter of readiness, I need to contact a clinical social worker I used to see and hope she remembers who I am.

It's hell.

as a fellow trans person, i might not understand the exact problems you go through because im the exact opposite, but i 100% get how agonizing dysphoria can be. especially in terms of body dysphoria. i hate how complicated it's to even get on the waiting list to an appointment to START your process for getting transition surgeries done, plus the amount of money and bumps you get on the way to be where you want to be. it's exhausting. i have the same thoughts about my deadname and generally how will i be remembered. my family doesn't support me and i haven't changed my legal name because it hasn't been long since i turned 18 and im still getting that process done. but despite being out for years, for being pre everything all of my family still thinks of me that way, and i cannot put into words how much it disgusts me. it makes me want to die but it makes me being afraid to die too just as you said. it's one of the few things keeping me here, trying to stop being remembered forever like that and with a name that makes me want to rip my skin off on my grave. the society doesn't want trans people, they don't want to even see us alive.

Since my boyfriend is a trans man, he and I have talked about how much we wish we could just switch with each other so I'd have a female body and he'd have a male body. That would make life so much easier.

 

[WaitingToGo]

It all sounds much more complicated than when I went through this in the 1980's. In those days genital electrolysis was never something demanded. I had my GRS surgery done in London but not on the NHS. I left the NHS and went private after the Door keeper shrinks kept delaying my surgery, asking the same dumb questions and being rude to me. I stormed out of one of these sessions telling him I was going private and he said to me You can't. Well I did and within a few short months I'd had my surgery done. Breast implants added and Adams apple removal about 3 months after that.
still wasn't happy with my face so a few years later in the States I had FFS done. Before FFS I ever so rarely got a knowing look from some people in the street and it made me anxious. Since FFS absolutely and completely stealth now. It wasn't always so for me at the beginning, when I first came out it was a nightmare of taunting from the local kids, it was hellish, so much so we moved away and then eventually moved to a different country.
I've done some very dangerous things in the past as the dysphoria was so bad, putting my life at risk. I shudder to think, looking back on it now.
To you girls and boys out there you can make it, I did, so you can too, but you do need to be strong willed and bloody minded. i Dread to think what it all cost me in financial terms somewhere in the region of 50000 Pounds, loss of family members who to this day treat me like I don't exist. It's a bloody hard life for many of us and it's no surprise people end up here. I wish you all the very best with your struggles. My struggles are different now, which is why I'm here.

 

[borderline-feline]

It all sounds much more complicated than when I went through this in the 1980's. In those days genital electrolysis was never something demanded. I had my GRS surgery done in London but not on the NHS. I left the NHS and went private after the Door keeper shrinks kept delaying my surgery, asking the same dumb questions and being rude to me. I stormed out of one of these sessions telling him I was going private and he said to me You can't. Well I did and within a few short months I'd had my surgery done. Breast implants added and Adams apple removal about 3 months after that.
still wasn't happy with my face so a few years later in the States I had FFS done. Before FFS I ever so rarely got a knowing look from some people in the street and it made me anxious. Since FFS absolutely and completely stealth now. It wasn't always so for me at the beginning, when I first came out it was a nightmare of taunting from the local kids, it was hellish, so much so we moved away and then eventually moved to a different country.
I've done some very dangerous things in the past as the dysphoria was so bad, putting my life at risk. I shudder to think, looking back on it now.
To you girls and boys out there you can make it, I did, so you can too, but you do need to be strong willed and bloody minded. i Dread to think what it all cost me in financial terms somewhere in the region of 50000 Pounds, loss of family members who to this day treat me like I don't exist. It's a bloody hard life for many of us and it's no surprise people end up here. I wish you all the very best with your struggles. My struggles are different now, which is why I'm here.

Whether or not genital electrolysis is needed depends on the surgeon really. My insurance only covers within a particular network, and there's only 1 surgeon in the network who performs that surgery.

I can't afford to go to a different doctor, so I have to go by her requirements. I already had laser done, but laser doesn't eliminate the blonde hairs. I also just wanna be as hairless as I can all over my body (except for the hair on my head and my eyebrows).

My laryngeal prominence isn't prominent enough for me to need a tracheal shave, so I'm thankful for that. I'm also told that I have good bone structure, but my brow is too prominent, so I'd like to get that shaved down. There's a laundry list of things I wanna change about my body, but most are probably not viable.

 

[starrvingstar]

id love to be a man, their bodies are so much more simple beautiful and easily manipulated.

 

[borderline-feline]

id love to be a man, their bodies are so much more simple beautiful and easily manipulated.

I fail to see how that's relevant to this thread, but okay.

 

[Lxions]

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. It sounds like hell, I wish you all the best

 

[borderline-feline]

tried treating your penis better? I'm sure it's suffering alot. Be nicer to it, and this is not a joke btw

What are you even talking about?

 

[itsallpointless]

What are you even talking about?

I'm saying your body wants you to care for it

 

[borderline-feline]

I'm saying your body wants you to care for it

That's why I'm going to get vaginoplasty, to care for my body. Not having a penis is what I need.

 

[itsallpointless]

That's why I'm going to get vaginoplasty, to care for my body. Not having a penis is what I need.

Just suggesting another solution. What do you think of my suggestion?

 

[borderline-feline]

Just suggesting another solution. What do you think of my suggestion?

I don't know what exactly you're suggesting. Care to enlighten me?

 

[itsallpointless]

I don't know what exactly you're suggesting.

That you learn to love your body as it is...
In other words, appreciating things that we might have very strong feelings against

 

[Octavia]

I'm saying your body wants you to care for it

Is that so? I suppose that people feel different about certain things, I would have liked to take care of my little birth accident by myself if I was not so faint-hearted when it comes to blood.

 

[borderline-feline]

That you learn to love your body as it is...

I'm not going to love a body this wrong. It needs to be fixed.

 

[Octavia]

That you learn to love your body as it is...

"You should learn to love your crippling depression as it is…"

 

[RainAndSadness]

That you learn to love your body as it is...
In other words, appreciating things that we might have very strong feelings against

And you're seriously complaining that you received a warning after this comment here. You obviously don't understand gender dysphoria and you should think twice before you give harmful advice.

 

[itsallpointless]

I'm not going to love a body this wrong. It needs to be fixed.

I respect your decision. But I also hope you can open yourself to different ways of looking at things

And you're seriously complaining that you received a warning after this comment here. You obviously don't understand gender dysphoria and you should think twice before you give harmful advice.

lol? Did I say she has to accept herself as a male? I just said if you feel this way about your body, I suspect you wouldn't be treating it very well. This has nothing to do with gender dysphoria. You are just making a loose association because of the topic scope

 

[borderline-feline]

I respect your decision. But I also hope you can open yourself to different ways of looking at things

You have a right to look at things the way you do, but I'm gonna go with what my endo and psychiatrist say over some rando on a forum.

 

[Pengu]

And you're seriously complaining that you received a warning after this comment here. You obviously don't understand gender dysphoria and you should think twice before you give harmful advice.

Rain and sadness I am a fannnnnnnnnnnn! :D. Your comments are really well written, I read all of them :D

 

[RainAndSadness]

Did I say she has to accept herself as a male

You told a trans person to appreciate body parts that cause enormous distress. I don't know if it's ignorance or lack of empathy but it's not very hard to understand why your advice was harmful. You don't tell trans people to love their bodies. You affirm their gender identity and if you wanted to give someone support you could have done that instead of trying to come up with something smart like suggesting that she loves her penis.

 

[itsallpointless]

facepalm and I'm outta here. I get you, but you don't get me.

 

[borderline-feline]

facepalm and I'm outta here. I get you, but you don't get me.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, jerk.

reported LOL
RUDE AND INSENSITIVE MY FEELINGS ARE HURT

Go show your own genitals some love instead of obsessing over mine