Venting the darkest it's ever gotten for me

[hyenasobased]

currently am in the worst situation of my life. Over the last year, my gradpa died, on that same day, i met the love of my life. I kept being self deprecating and negative, got hooked on benzos and ketamine, damaged my bladder, lost my car and education and all my friends, my insurance, had 3-5 suicide attempts. I sit up at night thinking abt what i did to make him leave, and his gifts lay next to me every night knowing he probably doesn't love me and wont be back. I spent over 1k to try and meet him in november but we didnt even make it 7 months together because i am so negative. I am utterly hopeless and i wake up everyday avoiding my socials and text messages cuz he still follows me and ignores me cuz my friend told him to kill himself for leading me on. I lost my job, and i have no money, still living with my parents at 24, got exiled from my own music scene and had to rebrand, yet still flying out to see everyone november in england as my first ever flight and trip (Gonna be terrible knowing that nobody liks me anymore, and the love of my life who said he'd house me, and even let me sleep in his room, ditched me due to the suicide threats, and i think is using it as a excuse to not talk to me.) I've mutilated my entire body, up my arm is gashes, i have gashes on my neck and other arm, 23 on my left, 12 on my right. I have seizures as well everyay from my intense anxiety and idk when the pain will end. I never eat or sleep, it's been this way for almost a year. I have no money and need at least 500-1k by november to get to england and i still dont have a car or a job. I have failed at life utterly, no men are interested in me either. All i do is mope and cry ad look ugly and drive them away. I really wish I could rid myself.. I have been baned from all my friends servers for venting, this is my last place... He wold always tell me "i'll always come back, i love you!" and was a fan of my music since he was a kid, listening at the same age as i. and he'd tell me he was romantically into me, ad just him and his partner, and not into anyone else, and he always worried and thought abt me a lot. I can't beleive i was that dispoable to him. I get so angry, because i dont know his motive. he came and apologized to me and cut contact, ad i was told theres things i do i dont notice that push people away and i need to stop pushign peopl away. i am sobbing while writing this as i have nothing left in my life and i still gotta go to fucking england in november to see all these peolpe i let down and are avoidant of me now, raving and having a good time while i'm alone, and i feel bad cuz I was suposed to even make love with the man i fell in love with, now he'll probably be with someone better... someone more attractive, less shitty of a personality, and i feel this way with all my friends. I feel like i mean nothing. I wake up and i never get any messagse from anyone anymore like i used to.

 

[lost_one]

I am sorry about all the things that happened, and I honestly hope things get a even just a little bit better soon. Good Luck

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Hello and welcome here. May it get less dark for you day by day, I hope things will take a positive turn and that November will be better than you expect. All the best of luck to you.