Story The day i stopped being an reporter

[Notatook]

There are things you realize in life. Things you wish people told you a lot sooner.
Things I wish I've known before I joined newspaper in 2007.

I was in the school newspaper for two years. I joined because I wanted to be a writer. I joined because I got along well with the advisor. I joined because there's nothing in the world like the feeling of seeing someone read something you wrote, see your writing have influence, see your writing being read by the people you interviewed and that feeling of anxiety, of hoping they'd like it.
That feeling of belonging. Of being useful.

I joined because I had social anxiety.

Funny how things work out huh.

October 31 was when I realized something. I could never be a reporter. I couldn't. I.
Just.
COuldn't.

I remember that day I had to write a story on the haunted house at the time. It was my fault. It was always my fault. Too many people, I was unprepared. The line. The noise. The strobing lights. Everything and anything there. I got in people's way. The looks they gave me.

Hurry up. Get going. Get going. Get. Going.

Time was working against me. I felt like I didn't have that much time. People were leaving, I still didn't have pictures. No interviews. Nothing.

So I panicked. I walked fast, the pictures came out blurry. I walked slow and I ended up impeding the actors who were there and quickly ended up annoying them. I wish I could apologize.

I couldn't. I ended up using flash even though I said I'd try not to the stage manager but I was flustered and my camera wasn't picking up any light and couldn't focus on anything in the dark and I ended up with a bunch of blurry pictures and I ended up being too flustered to carry out any interviews (should have interviewed 6 people)-

All excuses. But long story short, I very quickly realized how useless I was at something I loved.

I very much remember wishing I died that night. And when I saw my aunt's car come up on the sidewalk, I remembered thinking

I wish I had more time.

In the end, I cried and went home after spending two hours there.

I feel like in this lifetime, I will never be satisfied. I can't be what I want to be because I am my own obstacle.

I will never become someone I can be proud of. How pathetic is that?

 

[Schopenhauer]

That's awful, actually liking something and being prevented from doing it by your own issues. Have you tried medication? Sometimes it does help.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Not all reporters go into war zones .... there are lot's of issues worth investigating that aren't socially overwhelming .

Your own experience for example ....

I'm fascinated , as I have experienced similair dreadful anxious reactions to social , high energy situations.

Sorry for being the 'recovery' shmuck again ,

Feeling as if a life time goal has become unreachable sucks.

What I am asking , is , ; can that goal evolve ?

 

[samsays89]

Maybe you can try again on something that isn't so stressful or difficult. If you're doing an impromptu report, that's already hard, if it's at night even worse, and if its during a busy time for the subject, even worse.

People have messed up way worse than you and still managed to make it so there's a chance if you want to try. However, if you realize that the stress of sometimes having to deal with situations like that is too much, there's nothing wrong with that. There are still other ways you can write for a career.