The depression online tests keep saying I have depression of a sorts

[Cauliflour]

I probably don't. I mean, I think I would know if I was depressed. Besides, nothing traumatic has happened to me (and any potential trauma was all my fault anyway so it doesn't count) and I try to keep myself reasonably well because if I stop showering and spend 24/7 in my room then people are gonna notice and start being concerned and/or disgusted and it's that stupid human desire to be respected and the fact I want to be reasonably well right now so I can do the things I prioritise in my life. Lately I've been taking a few of these online depression tests, I guess out of curiosity ever since I thought "wait a minute, what if the reason I'm tired all the damn time is because I'm depressed?", and they all either say "yep you got the depression" or "please see a therapist, you probably have depression". Then again I'm terrible at taking personal quizzes because I have no idea who I am personally to begin with so I assume that by my standards I'm not depressed, but to normal people standards, I'm fucking insane. I mean, I've been self harming and thinking of suicide for a good couple of years at this point which is not normal at all but I've become so normalised from my own brain to this that I should draw a graph.



I don't think this does it justice as most of the time I have no idea how I feel. All I really feel nowadays is fine ish, more shitty than usual, oh fuck, a bit happier than usual, anxiety and uhhhhhhhh. Not gonna see a therapist though as they won't understand me and would just piss me off. Besides, I've accepted that this is just my life now and I can somewhat live like this for a good couple years if needed so I guess it's all good. My sex drive has really dipped though, I've noticed that. Being tired all the time is also really fucking annoying. Eh, I'll become numb to this all eventually. Be like that British guy in Deadpool 2016 who can't feel anything but still likes to fuck people over. I think I'll only ever try to act upon my frequent suicidal thoughts if either:
1. this website goes down permanently
2. I really, really fuck up to the point where my future is screwed
3. I become a serial killer and I don't want to face the consequences of my actions ie prison
or hopefully
4. I make all the games and stuff that I want to and have planned so I can rest in peace knowing I've done my purpose in this shit stain of a world.

I'm not a nihilist though, just cynical as fuck and a pessimist to the point where normal, healthy thoughts seem like foreign concepts to me.

I really don't want to end up being depressed though as people won't try to respect me anymore and treat me like a burden and I'll lose motivation to do my only job here so I'll just be wasting my life and I'll be unclean and I'll be ugly and I'll never leave that state of mind because I'm too pathetic to.

 

[rs929]

Have you always been like this?
I think it is more of a diagnostic matter, whether you suffer major depression, bipolar, BPD, or you've learned to be a particularly pessimistic and negative person, and it's just the way you "are". In any case, the depression symptoms are there. Have you tried visiting a Doc?

 

[Cauliflour]

Have you always been like this?

Downwards spiral from the start of my teenagehood. Got noticeably worse this year though. I suspect the negativity is something stuck from being an edgy teenager that never went away.

Have you tried visiting a Doc?

No and I don't want to. They won't do shit. Also I'm British so I'll be waiting for like 2 years for an appointment if I don't feel like forking out money for some bullshit.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I have a difficult time with online depression tests. My answers are never on the list of choices.

 

[rs929]

Downwards spiral from the start of my teenagehood. Got noticeably worse this year though. I suspect the negativity is something stuck from being an edgy teenager that never went away.

No and I don't want to. They won't do shit. Also I'm British so I'll be waiting for like 2 years for an appointment if I don't feel like forking out money for some bullshit.

I'm not saying you are depressed but IF you were, then you have an illness. Wouldn't you go to the doctor if you had, idk, diabetes?
Now it's up to you, but I'm just wondering if you have been tricked by society's stigma upon depression. Sadly many people still believe that being mentally ill is somehow a weakness of character, or that it is your fault, or that you are lazy, or that there is something inherently "wrong" with you.
Maybe this is not your fault, but you have to deal with it somehow.
Sorry for my bad english :)

 

[Cauliflour]

weakness of character, or that it is your fault, or that you are lazy, or that there is something inherently "wrong" with you.

That's basically me tho. Like not a depression thing, just a me thing.

 

[rs929]

That's basically me tho. Like not a depression thing, just a me thing.

I have recurrent MDD and OCD and I'm also a negative kind of dude, according to my Docs. However I know that I feel much better when treatment actually works
There is a sample bias in SaSu and for most mentally ill people here, treatment didn't work. Some tried 20000 meds and therapies and lifestyle changes and their lives still suck. Some can't even afford them because of homelessness. But that is not the case for most people in real life, it's because it's a suicide forum so you'll obviously find the ones that feel hopeless enough here.
But you didn't even try. Statistically, there is a lot of chances that you can improve your quality of life. Idk, maybe they just give you Prozac and your mood improves a lot.
So, answering to your original post, I don't know if it's depression but it seems that you are afflicted by "X", and "X" haven't been diagnosed and properly treated yet. Personality traits (the "me" thing) can be treated as well (this will require a good and specialized therapist though).
I know this won't help much because you're sure there's nothing to do about it, or people will lose respect for some reason (do they have to know though?). But from what you told about yourself so far, it really seems that you have options

 

[Cauliflour]

I have recurrent MDD and OCD and I'm also a negative kind of dude, according to my Docs. However I know that I feel much better when treatment actually works
There is a sample bias in SaSu and for most mentally ill people here, treatment didn't work. Some tried 20000 meds and therapies and lifestyle changes and their lives still suck. Some can't even afford them because of homelessness. But that is not the case for most people in real life, it's because it's a suicide forum so you'll obviously find the ones that feel hopeless enough here.
But you didn't even try. Statistically, there is a lot of chances that you can improve your quality of life. Idk, maybe they just give you Prozac and your mood improves a lot.
So, answering to your original post, I don't know if it's depression but it seems that you are afflicted by "X", and "X" haven't been diagnosed and properly treated yet. Personality traits (the "me" thing) can be treated as well (this will require a good and specialized therapist though).
I know this won't help much because you're sure there's nothing to do about it, or people will lose respect for some reason (do they have to know though?). But from what you told about yourself so far, it really seems that you have options

I understand what you're saying but I'm far too cynical and masochistic to seek out help like that. Also I'm autistic so I really doubt there's a professional out there who can understand something that niche. I've mentioned it in other posts here so I'll just briefly mention that whatever is going on in my head isn't a simple case of "probably depression", it's a whole circus of things that make me feel isolated as I've never come across someone like me (apart from like 2 people on this website but not really). To put it into perspective: about a week ago I was going on about just that, how I feel lonely due to all these factors that make me different from the norm, and it was I think 2000-3000 words. I just don't think I'm straightforward enough for therapy to do any good. Also I hate talking about myself (except online sorta) so the idea of saying really personal and emotional stuff to some stranger that's paid to tell me "how does that make you feel" I can tell you now, isn't gonna work on me. Also they'll probably send me to a psych ward (or is it mental hospital?) and that sounds like hell to me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Have you tried one similar to this?

Patient health questionnaire

The Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9) is an easy-to-use patient questionnaire for screening, diagnosing, monitoring and measuring the severity of depression.

patient.info

Years ago, I was really struggling at uni. My friend's Mum (bless her) said she thought I should talk to the college therapist.

Seeing as we were struggling to even find a period in my life that felt particularly joyful and, seeing as I couldn't remember feeling happy in ages, she refered me to my GP with the hope of prescribing antidepressants- which they did- which did nothing.

Anyhow, I remember the questionnaire I filled in with my GP being vaguely similar to the one above. I'm not endorsing it by any means. Just saying- this is the sort if thing the medical 'professionals' use.

I think maybe the key is to be showing multiple signs. Obviously, changes in behaviour is another key- changes in sleeping patterns, appetite, sex drive, interest in life.

It's also something I've always wondered to be honest. Am I actually depressed or, just lazy? Is there truly something wrong with my brain? I wish they'd put more effort into studying that, rather than getting us to list a bunch of symptoms- which really- could be attributed to lots of causes.

It was also a relief to me when I was diagnosed. Suddenly, there was a cause. It wasn't my 'fault'. Something was wrong somewhere in my wiring and, once it was fixed, I'd be 'normal'. Maybe I could actually be happy. I remember feeling hopeful for a while.

Maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance to work. I certainly wasn't willing to put myself through what some people have here but then, my symptoms probably weren't as bad. I've certainly gone through desperate phases. Read so many self help books, tried herbal remedies. Now, I'm just a lot more suspicious of the mental health industry. I don't really trust they know what they're doing so, I don't trust them to not make my situation worse! That's maybe unwarranted paranoia but, it's how I feel.

 

[Cauliflour]

Have you tried one similar to this?

Patient health questionnaire

The Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9) is an easy-to-use patient questionnaire for screening, diagnosing, monitoring and measuring the severity of depression.

patient.info

Fuck.

I think the questions on low self esteem are dragging it down but that's not making me depressed really, it's just the honest truth about myself that I've accepted pretty much.

These were the things I put in btw, for reference:

I mean, it's still probably not depression. I don't feel "Moderately severe depression". Besides, some of these could just be the autism. I don't feel depressed enough to be "depressed". Like that's sleeping all day and spending all night doom scrolling in a cave of rubbish with terrible hygiene and crying all the time.

 

[Forever Sleep]

View attachment 167531
Fuck.

I think the questions on low self esteem are dragging it down but that's not making me depressed really, it's just the honest truth about myself that I've accepted pretty much.

These were the things I put in btw, for reference:
View attachment 167532
I mean, it's still probably not depression. I don't feel "Moderately severe depression". Besides, some of these could just be the autism. I don't feel depressed enough to be "depressed". Like that's sleeping all day and spending all night doom scrolling in a cave of rubbish with terrible hygiene and crying all the time.

I'm no real expert. I also agree that multiple things could play in to why we behave the way we do. I guess a diagnosis can be helpful in trying to treat something.

However, just generally speaking, I think acknowledging that our lives aren't the way we would like, everything seems more difficult, very little seems fun points to a not great situation. Maybe it's too simplistic or easy to blame it all on depression. I don't really know.

Honestly, I find the whole thing curious if I'm honest. My Dad's pointed out in the past that this other person is 'clinically depressed' whereas, I'm not. But it's like- maybe that's because I haven't gone along for a diagnosis! I imagine persistent and active ideation puts someone up there. There's a part of me that believes most people would be diagnosed with something if they saw a GP.

I think a major thing is if there have been big changes- sleep, appetite, disinterest in things we used to find joyful. Plus, if things that used to cheer you up don't seem to be doing anything.

I don't think depression is always entirely debilitating though. I expect plenty of people are high functioning. 1 in 3 people in my friend's old workplace were on anti-depressants! That's a terrible statistic I think but, I think it just demonstrates how f*cked up our lives are. That a third of people there needed drugs to get through.

 

[rs929]

Co-occurring mental health conditions are more prevalent in the autism population than in the general population. Careful assessment of mental health is an essential component of care for all people on the autism spectrum and should be integrated into clinical practice.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31447415/