Venting The End Of The Road

[evilnkaa]

I want to start off with I don't think this place was meant for me. Maybe I'm saying that loosely. Almost every year on my birthday I have attempted to ctb. My birthday is the sadiest day of the year. I realize I don't have really any friends and I'm probably the most loneliest person alive. In fact that's the only award I'd ever win in my 19 years of being alive. I don't want this to feel like a sob story but to an extent I grew up with a lot of trauma. By the age of 10 I developed a eating disorder. Till this day I am trying my best to love myself but I break from time to time. I look at myself more than 30 times in the mirror. I know it's pathetic. I always got kicked out of friend groups so by the time high school hit I lost everyone and was at my lowest. I learned to be alone and was okay with loneliness. I started doing lots of pills due to me feeling like if I was asleep my thoughts,my brain, my mind would feel at ease. It's been 6 months of being sober. I have chronic stress and I'm always going back and forth to the ER because of my panic attacks. My mind is my mortal enemy, I'd like to think. I think so much, It eats me alive. I'm exhausted to say the least. The world feels so hard to be in. I feel so pathetic for wanting to ctb. I can't keep telling myself "just one more year, month, day, hour, minute, second." I'm not getting any better. I've been wanting for someone to choose me. God how many times I've prayed wanting to be loved like I love others. Theres no hate in my body. I am so unloveable. I just got unlucky is what it is. I wanted to hop in here and write a somewhat informal note. Thank you sasu. Thank you for opening the doors for me. People on here have been nothing but kind. I want to apologize for anyone I have hurt or damaged throughtout my 19 years of living. Thank you for the people who were by my side, the people that stayed when others have turned their backs. I hope no one will be mad at me for being selfish. For anyone that stumbles upon this that I may know just know to never blame yourself for anything. I love you. I really wish well for everyone. And I'm sorry. In case I haven't made my updates I wish everyone well. I love you all.

The people I'd like to personally address:
-Mom if you read this just know I'm sorry for leaving you so soon. You always tried super hard to provide everything and anything to make me happy from showing up to school events to always supporting any choice I have ever made. You are the best mom in the entire world I couldn't ask for another.
-Nikki I want to say you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Although I couldn't push through to see you or see you get married I wish nothing but the best and I'll haunt your wedding of course.
-Sasha don't blame yourself. You are amazing you have probably made my entire year and I hope you find the perfect person that you love and cherish. I don't have any bad blood or hate you for what you did. Thank you for loving me.
-Ethan thank you for showing me kindness and being there for me through thick and thin every breakup every problem you have been nothing but kind I really don't deserve people like you.
- Walter you are amazing. You are so deserving of everything thank you for always being there for the community and sharing your kind words and wisdom here.
I plan on doing it on Halloween if my thread doesn't update by then I have successfully succeeded. Thank you all once again for being the light in my gloomy life.
I'm sorry for this poorly written goodbye but for the 100th time I love you all.

 

[zekeyaeger]

I wish you freedom from pain, whatever method you choose.

 

[needthebus]

I want to start off with I don't think this place was meant for me. Maybe I'm saying that loosely. Almost every year on my birthday I have attempted to ctb. My birthday is the sadiest day of the year. I realize I don't have really any friends and I'm probably the most loneliest person alive. In fact that's the only award I'd ever win in my 19 years of being alive. I don't want this to feel like a sob story but to an extent I grew up with a lot of trauma. By the age of 10 I developed a eating disorder. Till this day I am trying my best to love myself but I break from time to time. I look at myself more than 30 times in the mirror. I know it's pathetic. I always got kicked out of friend groups so by the time high school hit I lost everyone and was at my lowest. I learned to be alone and was okay with loneliness. I started doing lots of pills due to me feeling like if I was asleep my thoughts,my brain, my mind would feel at ease. It's been 6 months of being sober. I have chronic stress and I'm always going back and forth to the ER because of my panic attacks. My mind is my mortal enemy, I'd like to think. I think so much, It eats me alive. I'm exhausted to say the least. The world feels so hard to be in. I feel so pathetic for wanting to ctb. I can't keep telling myself "just one more year, month, day, hour, minute, second." I'm not getting any better. I've been wanting for someone to choose me. God how many times I've prayed wanting to be loved like I love others. Theres no hate in my body. I am so unloveable. I just got unlucky is what it is. I wanted to hop in here and write a somewhat informal note. Thank you sasu. Thank you for opening the doors for me. People on here have been nothing but kind. I want to apologize for anyone I have hurt or damaged throughtout my 19 years of living. Thank you for the people who were by my side, the people that stayed when others have turned their backs. I hope no one will be mad at me for being selfish. For anyone that stumbles upon this that I may know just know to never blame yourself for anything. I love you. I really wish well for everyone. And I'm sorry. In case I haven't made my updates I wish everyone well. I love you all.

The people I'd like to personally address:
-Mom if you read this just know I'm sorry for leaving you so soon. You always tried super hard to provide everything and anything to make me happy from showing up to school events to always supporting any choice I have ever made. You are the best mom in the entire world I couldn't ask for another.
-Nikki I want to say you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Although I couldn't push through to see you or see you get married I wish nothing but the best and I'll haunt your wedding of course.
-Sasha don't blame yourself. You are amazing you have probably made my entire year and I hope you find the perfect person that you love and cherish. I don't have any bad blood or hate you for what you did. Thank you for loving me.
-Ethan thank you for showing me kindness and being there for me through thick and thin every breakup every problem you have been nothing but kind I really don't deserve people like you.
- Walter you are amazing. You are so deserving of everything thank you for always being there for the community and sharing your kind words and wisdom here.
I plan on doing it on Halloween if my thread doesn't update by then I have successfully succeeded. Thank you all once again for being the light in my gloomy life.
I'm sorry for this poorly written goodbye but for the 100th time I love you all.

you sound like a cool person and so genuine. 6 months of sobriety isn't a lot of time for your brain to recover from damage caused by major drug/alcohol use, this could partly be a reaction to this and it could be easier a year from now if you decide to stay alive. do u go to AA or NA or Smart Recovery? wishing you the best whatever you decide

 

[whywere]

I wish you love and peace always.

If you have a change of heart, I am around and would love to chat with you, as you are family to/for me and your loving presence here means so much to me,

Lots of love to you always,

Walter

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the peace and relief you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[maniac116]

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm really sorry for how lonely life has been for you. It sounds awful. However your plans go, I hope your suffering can be eased

 

[evilnkaa]

I want to start off with I don't think this place was meant for me. Maybe I'm saying that loosely. Almost every year on my birthday I have attempted to ctb. My birthday is the sadiest day of the year. I realize I don't have really any friends and I'm probably the most loneliest person alive. In fact that's the only award I'd ever win in my 19 years of being alive. I don't want this to feel like a sob story but to an extent I grew up with a lot of trauma. By the age of 10 I developed a eating disorder. Till this day I am trying my best to love myself but I break from time to time. I look at myself more than 30 times in the mirror. I know it's pathetic. I always got kicked out of friend groups so by the time high school hit I lost everyone and was at my lowest. I learned to be alone and was okay with loneliness. I started doing lots of pills due to me feeling like if I was asleep my thoughts,my brain, my mind would feel at ease. It's been 6 months of being sober. I have chronic stress and I'm always going back and forth to the ER because of my panic attacks. My mind is my mortal enemy, I'd like to think. I think so much, It eats me alive. I'm exhausted to say the least. The world feels so hard to be in. I feel so pathetic for wanting to ctb. I can't keep telling myself "just one more year, month, day, hour, minute, second." I'm not getting any better. I've been wanting for someone to choose me. God how many times I've prayed wanting to be loved like I love others. Theres no hate in my body. I am so unloveable. I just got unlucky is what it is. I wanted to hop in here and write a somewhat informal note. Thank you sasu. Thank you for opening the doors for me. People on here have been nothing but kind. I want to apologize for anyone I have hurt or damaged throughtout my 19 years of living. Thank you for the people who were by my side, the people that stayed when others have turned their backs. I hope no one will be mad at me for being selfish. For anyone that stumbles upon this that I may know just know to never blame yourself for anything. I love you. I really wish well for everyone. And I'm sorry. In case I haven't made my updates I wish everyone well. I love you all.

The people I'd like to personally address:
-Mom if you read this just know I'm sorry for leaving you so soon. You always tried super hard to provide everything and anything to make me happy from showing up to school events to always supporting any choice I have ever made. You are the best mom in the entire world I couldn't ask for another.
-Nikki I want to say you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Although I couldn't push through to see you or see you get married I wish nothing but the best and I'll haunt your wedding of course.
-Sasha don't blame yourself. You are amazing you have probably made my entire year and I hope you find the perfect person that you love and cherish. I don't have any bad blood or hate you for what you did. Thank you for loving me.
-Ethan thank you for showing me kindness and being there for me through thick and thin every breakup every problem you have been nothing but kind I really don't deserve people like you.
- Walter you are amazing. You are so deserving of everything thank you for always being there for the community and sharing your kind words and wisdom here.
I plan on doing it on Halloween if my thread doesn't update by then I have successfully succeeded. Thank you all once again for being the light in my gloomy life.
I'm sorry for this poorly written goodbye but for the 100th time I love you all.

Mini update: I'm alive I'm currently wanting to take a break from social media thank you everyone for the replies and messages.

 

[saunabliss]

Cutting yourself off from social media is the best thing you can do for your mental health. You can always reach out to me if you change your mind on CTB.

Whatever you choose, I wish you peace.

 

[let.me.let.go87]

Cutting yourself off from social media is the best thing you can do for your mental health. You can always reach out to me if you change your mind on CTB.

Whatever you choose, I wish you peace.

I already started that process. My Facebook account is gone. I'm not using TikTok anymore. I barely use IG. I don't come on here much anymore either. But idk if it's for my mental health or what I think I'm isolating tbh

 

[evilnkaa]

I already started that process. My Facebook account is gone. I'm not using TikTok anymore. I barely use IG. I don't come on here much anymore either. But idk if it's for my mental health or what I think I'm isolating tbh

I feel this 100000% I deactivated all my socials so I can fell better but I feel more alone.

 

[slinkey10]

I feel this 100000% I deactivated all my socials so I can fell better but I feel more alone.

Most if not all social media is addictive, dopamine hit etc. Dont go full abstinence, just tell yourself you're having a break for a while - dont put a time limit on it. Look at it as a reset for whatever time you can manage, then see how you feel.

https://www.theguardian.com/global/...addicts-and-what-we-can-do-to-break-the-cycle

 

[let.me.let.go87]

I feel this 100000% I deactivated all my socials so I can fell better but I feel more alone.

I feel this. I got rid of everything really coz the political crap made me feel some kinda way and I wanted to try to feel better but now I just feel alone and empty. Like nobody knows or cares that I'm still here so fuck it. My husband does. But does he? Not really. When he's home all he does it play video games. His for of communicating with me is text. Not talking to me. He doesn't talk about feelings. So I have learned to carve my feelings into my body. Or burn them. I just don't care anymore. Idk

 

[evilnkaa]

I feel this. I got rid of everything really coz the political crap made me feel some kinda way and I wanted to try to feel better but now I just feel alone and empty. Like nobody knows or cares that I'm still here so fuck it. My husband does. But does he? Not really. When he's home all he does it play video games. His for of communicating with me is text. Not talking to me. He doesn't talk about feelings. So I have learned to carve my feelings into my body. Or burn them. I just don't care anymore. Idk

Sometimes I feel like all it takes is for someone to reach out when you need it most. The worst thing about social media is people don't care. You can disappear and in all honesty no one will reach out. So I feel the sting. When you stop putting in the effort a lot of times you see others never text you.

Most if not all social media is addictive, dopamine hit etc. Dont go full abstinence, just tell yourself you're having a break for a while - dont put a time limit on it. Look at it as a reset for whatever time you can manage, then see how you feel.

https://www.theguardian.com/global/...addicts-and-what-we-can-do-to-break-the-cycle

It really is. I started to put no likes or comments on my posts because I kept on looking at my likes and follower count like a zombie.

 

[slinkey10]

I feel this. I got rid of everything really coz the political crap made me feel some kinda way and I wanted to try to feel better but now I just feel alone and empty. Like nobody knows or cares that I'm still here so fuck it. My husband does. But does he? Not really. When he's home all he does it play video games. His for of communicating with me is text. Not talking to me. He doesn't talk about feelings. So I have learned to carve my feelings into my body. Or burn them. I just don't care anymore. Idk

made me sad reading this, 1st thing to try and remember, if you can, is the world we are living in is dysfunctional & makes you feel its your fault or something wrong in u if u arent happy , successful etc its bs & a trap.
More ppl need validating that it isnt them that are crazy or their feelings are wrong - its the external world that is f'd.

& im sorry you're in the 'marriage trap' - dont stop feeling ... I know, easier said than done & im guessing your partner is switching off through gaming (which is understandable) but .... urghhhhh another one who doesnt want to talk about feelings so, nothing changes then!

 

[let.me.let.go87]

Idk I was feeling pretty bad when I wrote this I still feel this way kind of but I'm trying to not think that way I think tms is helping me be more positive

 

[slinkey10]

Idk I was feeling pretty bad when I wrote this I still feel this way kind of but I'm trying to not think that way I think tms is helping me be more positive

whatever makes u feel better :)

But dont deny your thoughts or feelings - they are valid ! you are allowed to feel bad about things!