shouldbedirt
Member
- Jun 5, 2024
- 17
I'm not really asking if it's ethical to want to date people while hiding the fact that you're suicidal, I've already decided it's not unless you are actively trying to get better. But I do want to hear other people's opinions on it...
For context on why I'm curious about people's opinions on this, here's a bit of personal background, feel free to skip:
For a few years now, I have decided that either sooner or later, I am likely going to kill myself. Ideally I want to finish a few goals and live a simple comfortable life for at least a year. But I know realistically this probably won't happen. Everything I want to do will take years to complete if at all. If things get too bad I will take myself out ASAP.
My problem is even knowing all this, knowing there's nothing I can do to make my life worth living short term let alone long term, knowing it's bad enough having the family members I care about deal with this, my brain has latched onto someone. one of my close-ish friends. I keep finding myself trying to get closer to him despite everything logical in me screaming NOT to. I wouldn't say I love him, not yet anyway, but I know I need to back away... it's hard. It feels childish. I had gotten out of an extremely abusive and toxic relationship about 3 years ago... it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I still have severe trust issues. This person my brain has latched onto was the only one on my side through 100% of it. Even after I was awful and resentful and lashed out at everyone. I fear that might be the reason I'm fixated on him. He almost feels safe to me. I feel like he's the only real friend I've got sometimes, despite us not being very close. He forgave me even though I still can't forgive myself. this fucking sucks actually. these feelings don't excite me anymore. I'm just terrified. I'm terrified of hurting people and being hurt.
This turned into a bit of a vent. Sorry about that.
For context on why I'm curious about people's opinions on this, here's a bit of personal background, feel free to skip:
For a few years now, I have decided that either sooner or later, I am likely going to kill myself. Ideally I want to finish a few goals and live a simple comfortable life for at least a year. But I know realistically this probably won't happen. Everything I want to do will take years to complete if at all. If things get too bad I will take myself out ASAP.
My problem is even knowing all this, knowing there's nothing I can do to make my life worth living short term let alone long term, knowing it's bad enough having the family members I care about deal with this, my brain has latched onto someone. one of my close-ish friends. I keep finding myself trying to get closer to him despite everything logical in me screaming NOT to. I wouldn't say I love him, not yet anyway, but I know I need to back away... it's hard. It feels childish. I had gotten out of an extremely abusive and toxic relationship about 3 years ago... it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I still have severe trust issues. This person my brain has latched onto was the only one on my side through 100% of it. Even after I was awful and resentful and lashed out at everyone. I fear that might be the reason I'm fixated on him. He almost feels safe to me. I feel like he's the only real friend I've got sometimes, despite us not being very close. He forgave me even though I still can't forgive myself. this fucking sucks actually. these feelings don't excite me anymore. I'm just terrified. I'm terrified of hurting people and being hurt.
This turned into a bit of a vent. Sorry about that.