I do not know where else to post this. Maybe I shouldn't post it at all.
I think the remainder of my life is going to be very very sad, however long it lasts. I try everyday to fight to get better but I'm starting to feel like it isn't enough and it never will be.
My husband has convinced all our friends that I'm the bad guy, so if I were to leave, I'd have nothing. Everything I own and everything I love is in this house and I might have to turn my back on it completely. I am too much of a coward to do it because I keep second guessing myself, that I'm not actually in an abusive relationship and that I'm the abuser, not him.
Have I hurt him? Yes. Of course I've done hurtful things.
I'm starting to realize that many of the hurtful things I have done to him were out of anger for the constant correcting and nitpicking. I have never felt safe in this marriage. First it was his mother who didn't think I was good enough, and he was under her spell. Then he shed her from his life and I thought things would get better, but he was still critical of me. My parents didn't really raise me right. I know it's probably frustrating to be married to someone like me because of those things, but I also have a lot of friends who tell me I'm amazing, how they wish I could see what they see, and how I'm not anywhere near as bad as I think I am. Even my husband says these things, sometimes, too. But at home I don't feel it. I feel like I'm constantly being corrected and criticized. It's like death by a thousand paper cuts. I feel like everywhere I turn I run into another rule that I missed. Another interpersonal thing I failed at. I'm becoming so exhausted and hypersensitive that it's really no wonder I scream at him sometimes out of nowhere.
I was neglected emotionally and was never taught how to do things, never taught to be an adult. I was not allowed to work in high school and college so I never learned how to have a real job. I found ways to make money but they were very low stakes student "jobs" that weren't actually in any way close to a real job. My dad yelled all the time. Screamed and yelled and cursed and threatened suicide. I grew up scared. So yeah, I didn't develop properly and I struggle with a lot of basic adult tasks. I have trouble finding full time work and I have never been able to make much money or support myself without someone's help. I know that probably makes me a really annoying partner but I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve to feel under attack all the time. I am not as bad as the constant criticism makes me feel.
I don't think I can leave. I think I am stuck here. Everything I love is here. My cat, the house we remodeled, my garden, my art supplies, my music instruments, my memories, everything I own. Every job I have had, the money went into this life. If I leave, I have nothing. I don't talk to my family. I can't burden friends. I have a car but it's 20 years old and on it's last leg. I don't know how far that car would even get me, if I had to live in it it would be even worse. I can't leave. There's no way.
He's convinced all of our friends that I'm to blame for our marital problems, because I yell at him. But they don't see the other side. He's charismatic and likable, physically fit and healthy and successful. Our friends are enamored of him and I look like a total loser next to him. Nobody would ever believe me. I see exactly what this relationship is, and I can't escape. I have come here to this site because I don't know where else it is safe to tell this story. I am really scared, and I definitely can't leave, so don't tell me to leave or give me advice on ways to leave. I'm aware of all of those ways. I've made phone calls before to try to arrange an escape but I can't do it. There are a lot of reasons I can't. Legally he would destroy me. He's very smart. His brother is a lawyer. I'd never be able to afford to fight for what is mine.
I have to find a way to live my life this way. Maybe become numb, maybe become subservient just to keep the peace. I can't dish it back because when I did that it would cause huge huge fights. I know I'm trapped and I know this is unhealthy and I can't leave. I know I can't die either. I don't know what to do.
I think the remainder of my life is going to be very very sad, however long it lasts. I try everyday to fight to get better but I'm starting to feel like it isn't enough and it never will be.
My husband has convinced all our friends that I'm the bad guy, so if I were to leave, I'd have nothing. Everything I own and everything I love is in this house and I might have to turn my back on it completely. I am too much of a coward to do it because I keep second guessing myself, that I'm not actually in an abusive relationship and that I'm the abuser, not him.
Have I hurt him? Yes. Of course I've done hurtful things.
I'm starting to realize that many of the hurtful things I have done to him were out of anger for the constant correcting and nitpicking. I have never felt safe in this marriage. First it was his mother who didn't think I was good enough, and he was under her spell. Then he shed her from his life and I thought things would get better, but he was still critical of me. My parents didn't really raise me right. I know it's probably frustrating to be married to someone like me because of those things, but I also have a lot of friends who tell me I'm amazing, how they wish I could see what they see, and how I'm not anywhere near as bad as I think I am. Even my husband says these things, sometimes, too. But at home I don't feel it. I feel like I'm constantly being corrected and criticized. It's like death by a thousand paper cuts. I feel like everywhere I turn I run into another rule that I missed. Another interpersonal thing I failed at. I'm becoming so exhausted and hypersensitive that it's really no wonder I scream at him sometimes out of nowhere.
I was neglected emotionally and was never taught how to do things, never taught to be an adult. I was not allowed to work in high school and college so I never learned how to have a real job. I found ways to make money but they were very low stakes student "jobs" that weren't actually in any way close to a real job. My dad yelled all the time. Screamed and yelled and cursed and threatened suicide. I grew up scared. So yeah, I didn't develop properly and I struggle with a lot of basic adult tasks. I have trouble finding full time work and I have never been able to make much money or support myself without someone's help. I know that probably makes me a really annoying partner but I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve to feel under attack all the time. I am not as bad as the constant criticism makes me feel.
I don't think I can leave. I think I am stuck here. Everything I love is here. My cat, the house we remodeled, my garden, my art supplies, my music instruments, my memories, everything I own. Every job I have had, the money went into this life. If I leave, I have nothing. I don't talk to my family. I can't burden friends. I have a car but it's 20 years old and on it's last leg. I don't know how far that car would even get me, if I had to live in it it would be even worse. I can't leave. There's no way.
He's convinced all of our friends that I'm to blame for our marital problems, because I yell at him. But they don't see the other side. He's charismatic and likable, physically fit and healthy and successful. Our friends are enamored of him and I look like a total loser next to him. Nobody would ever believe me. I see exactly what this relationship is, and I can't escape. I have come here to this site because I don't know where else it is safe to tell this story. I am really scared, and I definitely can't leave, so don't tell me to leave or give me advice on ways to leave. I'm aware of all of those ways. I've made phone calls before to try to arrange an escape but I can't do it. There are a lot of reasons I can't. Legally he would destroy me. He's very smart. His brother is a lawyer. I'd never be able to afford to fight for what is mine.
I have to find a way to live my life this way. Maybe become numb, maybe become subservient just to keep the peace. I can't dish it back because when I did that it would cause huge huge fights. I know I'm trapped and I know this is unhealthy and I can't leave. I know I can't die either. I don't know what to do.
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