• Hey Guest,

    As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.

    Bitcoin Address (BTC): 39deg9i6Zp1GdrwyKkqZU6rAbsEspvLBJt

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-nobodyknows-

-nobodyknows-

Mage
Jun 16, 2024
503
Recently, I have been thinking about the future. What sorts of things do I want out of life? What values are most important to me? What sort of person do I want to be?

I am a very idealistic person. I want to do something good with my life. I have no interest in simply working at some job at a company whose primary mission is to just make the company money. I want to make the world a better place.

Unfortunately, however, I am not suited for the sorts of roles that I aspire to. I'm not good at talking to people. I am not particularly smart or gifted. And, most importantly, I am not a strong person, by any definition of the word.

It is extremely distressing to someone like me. I cannot live up to my ideals in my professional life, in my personal life, or in my spiritual life. And, to further exacerbate the issue, I only bring pain to those I try to become closer to.

People who have tried get to know me all end up avoiding me. I do not blame them, for the darkness in my heart has a tendency to seep into others, causing them to become distraught. It is only natural to avoid someone like me. And yet, I do not know how to accept this. I cannot stand that whenever I talk about my feelings to someone else they become distressed. My words are poison to them.

I try to contain this issue by simply not discussing such things with others. But, it is such an isolating feeling. I have to keep my distance because I know that getting closer will only cause suffering. And yet, having that is probably the thing that matters the most to me. Having a close friend or a spouse whose life would be enriched by my presence and efforts would bring me great joy and fulfillment. However, I do not think such things are possible for someone like me.

Why do I exist? Is my only purpose truly to bring pain to others? The idea is incredibly disturbing. Even if I killed myself, I would still be causing those I care about to suffer. There is no escaping it, regardless of what I choose.
 
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