Discussion The Irony of Self Harm

[PublicDiary0606]

CONTEXT:

During my years of depression from Persistent Depressive Disorder, up until now, I have overcome the idea of suicide. Mostly through having good relationships with friends and family members. I wouldn't want to lose them as much as they would want to lose me. However, the idea of death is still stuck in my head for a very long time. I know deep down I do want to die but I can't. I want to hang on for the people I love, and at the same time I don't want to be a burden. I cling on to my friends and family, as well as my ambitions in life to give myself a purpose. I pursue the things I love and I have yet to achieve them, but I do feel like every day its closer. I compare myself to my past self to grasp the idea of progress. It helps. But there are times when all of these don't feel like it matters, hence I'll stumble and fall deeper into being depressed to where I would resort in harming myself. I planned on how, when, where and which body part to hurt so to conceal and make sure noone finds out. Sometimes people tend to notice and I'll brush it off as oh Hahaha those are old scars which somehow opened up.

So now the questions comes, everytime I hurt myself, I feel insanely good. Like meeting an old friend as if its refreshing. In my twisted opinion, I enjoy it very much. It helps with giving me a refresh like a browser that needs load in and its telling myself I need to restart. Seeing myself get hurt in ways I wish helps with feeling better and it prevents me from going deeper at times. However, it is really tough as my friends and family will get worried IF they found out about my self harm habits.

DISCUSSION:

I have come to the point where I do not believe is wrong to keep adding my scars to myself. As long as I live, as long as I function. I do not wish to stop but there are others whose opinions might differ. What are your thoughts? (You can be as unfiltered as to encourage me to continue)

 

[Life_and_Death]

as long as I function

but selfharm can make you less functionable to varying degrees depending on the type.
even really small, basic, dont really bleed cuts screws up your nervous system. (personal experience)

 

[Mirrory Me]

Maybe you think subconsciously that you need some validation, or punishment since you feel worthless / like you can't achieve things on on your own.

 

[PublicDiary0606]

Maybe you think subconsciously that you need some validation, or punishment since you feel worthless / like you can't achieve things on on your own.

You could be right on that... I do feel that way at my lowest.

 

[attheend13]

CONTEXT:

During my years of depression from Persistent Depressive Disorder, up until now, I have overcome the idea of suicide. Mostly through having good relationships with friends and family members. I wouldn't want to lose them as much as they would want to lose me. However, the idea of death is still stuck in my head for a very long time. I know deep down I do want to die but I can't. I want to hang on for the people I love, and at the same time I don't want to be a burden. I cling on to my friends and family, as well as my ambitions in life to give myself a purpose. I pursue the things I love and I have yet to achieve them, but I do feel like every day its closer. I compare myself to my past self to grasp the idea of progress. It helps. But there are times when all of these don't feel like it matters, hence I'll stumble and fall deeper into being depressed to where I would resort in harming myself. I planned on how, when, where and which body part to hurt so to conceal and make sure noone finds out. Sometimes people tend to notice and I'll brush it off as oh Hahaha those are old scars which somehow opened up.

So now the questions comes, everytime I hurt myself, I feel insanely good. Like meeting an old friend as if its refreshing. In my twisted opinion, I enjoy it very much. It helps with giving me a refresh like a browser that needs load in and its telling myself I need to restart. Seeing myself get hurt in ways I wish helps with feeling better and it prevents me from going deeper at times. However, it is really tough as my friends and family will get worried IF they found out about my self harm habits.

DISCUSSION:

I have come to the point where I do not believe is wrong to keep adding my scars to myself. As long as I live, as long as I function. I do not wish to stop but there are others whose opinions might differ. What are your thoughts? (You can be as unfiltered as to encourage me to continue)

I've had a relationship with self harm my whole life. My arms are all burn scars and cutting scars. I know why I did it. I desperately want to do it again but I've been using hitting myself or punching myself instead of cutting or slamming my head into things. I do it because the emotion mal pain reaches a point where I feel like my head will explode and SH relieves it. It takes the pain to the outside where I can deal with it. Inside it's burning through me like acid. Outside it's calm and obvious what to do. Stitches, ice, bandage… I tried to cut my throat years ago but the mind really resists it, my stupid brain holds on, could cut deep enough kept panicking and couldn't get it done. Imagine being such a complete failure you fail repeatedly at CTB. It's kind of funny in a sick way.

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

I consider myself to be a former cutter, although saying that, the last time was only 2 or 3 years ago, and the urge to self harm is stronger now then at any time, if self harm helps, the I see no reason to stop, my one and only wish is that we had better ways of coping, instead of being so destructive.