The love of my life killed himself and I don't want to be here

[CanIFindHappiness]

My boyfriend whom I thought was my true half, my soulmate, the love of my life.. whom I thought I could finally have true happiness with.. committed suicided 4 months ago.

He was a good man but in a lot of pain. He had a deadly car accident that put him in a coma for a bit and it was a miracle he survived. It was a long road to recovery since he woke up, but he was physically recovering really well while his brain was healing slowly... the traumatic brain injury it sustained was very very hard for him.. We could all see that his brain was slowly getting better, but his broken brain could not believe that he was. Real him came back sometimes, but it didn't last long enough for him to get the relief he needed. I tried so so hard to keep him alive. I loved him more than I loved myself...

But eventually.. after 6 months of tough fight with recovery... he decided to give up the painful life and catch his bus out of here... He wanted to free himself and free me...

I've been through horrible depression and suicidal periods before. And I thought I had truly healed from that. My boyfriend.. he brought me so much hope, purpose and happiness in my life. Now with him gone.. the choice he made... I am really really struggling. I find myself wanting to die everyday. I just want the pain to stop. It's a bit different than the struggles I had before in that now I just don't want to be alive in the world he doesn't exist. I am very unhealthy in the mind right now even though I am over all coping better with the loss and appear better (at least I try to be) to people around me.

I had a plan for exit before and I still think that is a viable option. It was the rachet strap and corn bag option to restrict blood flow to the brain. Btw, if anyone have link to that thread, please comment. It's been awhile since I did serious research. I'm even considering cutting open a big artery to get the job done though there is a reason for that not being my first choice.

I'm really torn. I know that my boyfriend would want me to live on. And I do think that he is watching over me. Honestly, that's why I'm still alive, I've been continuing on for him. But fuck. This life is just too much. It doesnt help that I'm not with my cat who was the only thing that really saved me from catching the bus before (after only one horrible attempt failed.) I could focus my mental and emotional energy to reunite with my cat that is currently being looked after by a family member(because I went crazy and took off after my borfriend died, leaving my old life behind) but I don't even feel like I have that kind of energy, which is crazy because she is the most important thing in this world left for me. A part of me thinks that it's good she is already with someone who can take care of her..

Thanks for reading. I wish we could all live in a painless world.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I know this doesn't mean much, but I am truly sorry for what has happened to you. Stories like these break my heart. I hope you can find some sort of peace and comfort one day.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too think your boyfriend would want you to keep going as hard as it is right now. It makes sense when you say you're feeling unhealthy in your mind. This life can be so cruel, so unfair. You're mourning and that grief needs the help of time. I really hope you reunite with your cat, I'm sure she misses you.

 

[CatLvr]

I am so sorry your boyfriend suffered so, and that you are suffering now. This world just chews us up and spits us out, it seems. I truly hope you can find some solace in the many good memories you made with him while he was here. My heart breaks for you.

 

[needthebus]

You seem like a nice person.

 

[Trav1989]

My boyfriend whom I thought was my true half, my soulmate, the love of my life.. whom I thought I could finally have true happiness with.. committed suicided 4 months ago.

He was a good man but in a lot of pain. He had a deadly car accident that put him in a coma for a bit and it was a miracle he survived. It was a long road to recovery since he woke up, but he was physically recovering really well while his brain was healing slowly... the traumatic brain injury it sustained was very very hard for him.. We could all see that his brain was slowly getting better, but his broken brain could not believe that he was. Real him came back sometimes, but it didn't last long enough for him to get the relief he needed. I tried so so hard to keep him alive. I loved him more than I loved myself...

But eventually.. after 6 months of tough fight with recovery... he decided to give up the painful life and catch his bus out of here... He wanted to free himself and free me...

I've been through horrible depression and suicidal periods before. And I thought I had truly healed from that. My boyfriend.. he brought me so much hope, purpose and happiness in my life. Now with him gone.. the choice he made... I am really really struggling. I find myself wanting to die everyday. I just want the pain to stop. It's a bit different than the struggles I had before in that now I just don't want to be alive in the world he doesn't exist. I am very unhealthy in the mind right now even though I am over all coping better with the loss and appear better (at least I try to be) to people around me.

I had a plan for exit before and I still think that is a viable option. It was the rachet strap and corn bag option to restrict blood flow to the brain. Btw, if anyone have link to that thread, please comment. It's been awhile since I did serious research. I'm even considering cutting open a big artery to get the job done though there is a reason for that not being my first choice.

I'm really torn. I know that my boyfriend would want me to live on. And I do think that he is watching over me. Honestly, that's why I'm still alive, I've been continuing on for him. But fuck. This life is just too much. It doesnt help that I'm not with my cat who was the only thing that really saved me from catching the bus before (after only one horrible attempt failed.) I could focus my mental and emotional energy to reunite with my cat that is currently being looked after by a family member(because I went crazy and took off after my borfriend died, leaving my old life behind) but I don't even feel like I have that kind of energy, which is crazy because she is the most important thing in this world left for me. A part of me thinks that it's good she is already with someone who can take care of her..

Thanks for reading. I wish we could all live in a painless world.

Your story brought tears to my eyes, what you had was irreplaceable in this cruel world. If I had even found love half as true as this I probably wouldn't be one foot through deaths door right now pondering taking the final step.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry for your loss. As hard as it may be your bf is relieved from all suffering and pain. I'm sorry you have to go through this but this is an ever unsolvable problem. I hope you find the strength you need and keep your bf in your heart - he will never die and live on in your thoughts!

 

[athiestjoe]

I'm so sorry things are going this rough for you.

I hope you find peace & serenity.

 

[suffering_mo]

I'm sorry for your loss. From another perspective....as someone who has suffered brain and neurological damage of a different sort, as well as chronic physical pain, I can tell you that it's hell, an absolute hell that I would wish on anyone. God willing, he is at peace now. Hopefully, you will find peace at some point soon. Hang in there. He would want you to move forward.

 

[maynoname]

I am truly sorry for your loss. I am moved by reading your story. I hope you can find peace, through healing, or not. We are here for you.

 

[AllTheseQuestions]

This is so sad, I am so very sorry.

 

[L'absent]

I experience the same situation as you. It happened in July and since then there has been an emptiness inside me. I want to die, but I don't think I'll achieve it because after life nothing exists. He stopped existing and left me alone in this disgusting world. I want to die soon, so as to disappear forever. I want to be forgotten.

 

[MyPoorKids]

My boyfriend whom I thought was my true half, my soulmate, the love of my life.. whom I thought I could finally have true happiness with.. committed suicided 4 months ago.

He was a good man but in a lot of pain. He had a deadly car accident that put him in a coma for a bit and it was a miracle he survived. It was a long road to recovery since he woke up, but he was physically recovering really well while his brain was healing slowly... the traumatic brain injury it sustained was very very hard for him.. We could all see that his brain was slowly getting better, but his broken brain could not believe that he was. Real him came back sometimes, but it didn't last long enough for him to get the relief he needed. I tried so so hard to keep him alive. I loved him more than I loved myself...

But eventually.. after 6 months of tough fight with recovery... he decided to give up the painful life and catch his bus out of here... He wanted to free himself and free me...

I've been through horrible depression and suicidal periods before. And I thought I had truly healed from that. My boyfriend.. he brought me so much hope, purpose and happiness in my life. Now with him gone.. the choice he made... I am really really struggling. I find myself wanting to die everyday. I just want the pain to stop. It's a bit different than the struggles I had before in that now I just don't want to be alive in the world he doesn't exist. I am very unhealthy in the mind right now even though I am over all coping better with the loss and appear better (at least I try to be) to people around me.

I had a plan for exit before and I still think that is a viable option. It was the rachet strap and corn bag option to restrict blood flow to the brain. Btw, if anyone have link to that thread, please comment. It's been awhile since I did serious research. I'm even considering cutting open a big artery to get the job done though there is a reason for that not being my first choice.

I'm really torn. I know that my boyfriend would want me to live on. And I do think that he is watching over me. Honestly, that's why I'm still alive, I've been continuing on for him. But fuck. This life is just too much. It doesnt help that I'm not with my cat who was the only thing that really saved me from catching the bus before (after only one horrible attempt failed.) I could focus my mental and emotional energy to reunite with my cat that is currently being looked after by a family member(because I went crazy and took off after my borfriend died, leaving my old life behind) but I don't even feel like I have that kind of energy, which is crazy because she is the most important thing in this world left for me. A part of me thinks that it's good she is already with someone who can take care of her..

Thanks for reading. I wish we could all live in a painless world.

Yes, you can find happiness. I had a friend that had something similar happen to him. It was very sad and he was very down for a long time but time will heal these wounds. He's now happily married with two beautiful kids. I urge you not to act right now. I know it seems like things will never be okay again but there will come a day where you feel better and you will be thankful to be alive. Life could be worse. Sometimes watching docos on kids that live in abject poverty and are continually raped helps me or things to that effect. Your pain is real. Just as real as theirs but sometimes some perspective can help is all.

 

[MissingThyme]

I am so so sorry for your loss, he sounded like a lovely person.

I'm really torn. I know that my boyfriend would want me to live on. And I do think that he is watching over me. Honestly, that's why I'm still alive, I've been continuing on for him.

Perhaps a way to think about it would be continuing on not just for him or even for yourself, but others that you could help from the experience gained trying to help your loved one? The patience, the kindness and hope evident in your words...he did his best to save you. The answer may still be 'no' if you ask it of yourself, but would it be worth it to you to be someone else's light?

 

[Tig]

It's so painful when the love of your life is suddenly gone.
Crippling in every way, it's the price we pay for giving ourself so fully to another.
I hate it when people say, you will heal, the pain will go away, you will get over it or things like that.
My soulmate, wife and Best friend passed away a decade ago, I've never gotten over it, in fact everyday the pain from the loss of her just gets worse.
CTB is on my mind everyday and has been for years now, I lived in the garage of our house for over a year because I couldn't handle being in the house we built together, seeing our pictures, smelling her, touching things that used too make her smile,sleeping in our bed,
I finally just gave the house away.
I'm so sorry for your loss, no one who hasn't been in love like that can possibly understand, it will be a bruise on your heart no matter how much time passes.
Some wounds just don't heal.
All you can do is keep his memory alive somewhere inside of you, and hope, pray that you get to be beside him once again on the other side.
He's watching over you and waiting.