kitia973
我亦定山河
- Dec 24, 2024
- 38
This is a brief recollection of my childhood and my life.
I was born into a very wealthy family and had high-achieving parents who graduated from top schools. But that was it. Material wealth was all that my parents ever attempted to provide for me during my childhood. They had no expectations for me, and did not care whether I was dead or alive. There was no love, no emotional support, and no love between the two of my parents either. I managed to succeed academically on my own, and I had a very prominient reputation of the perfect student: intelligent, unassuming, and having a very optimistic and hopeful mindset. I also became the class rep during my time in China.
People like to automatically assume that excellent students also have excellent morality and character. I did not. I never truly had the will to live throughout my entire life. There was no reason for my existence, as even the closest people like my parents did not care about whether I was still alive. I developed a thought process revolving around nihilism, and I realized and the world would function exactly the same without me. So why was I still living, when there is nothing enjoyable in life? Shouldn't the reasonable answer to unnecessary pain be a voluntary end?
My first suicide attempt was when I was 8. My parents did not attempt to find me, nor did they try to take me to the hospital. I took around 100 pills of aspirin and was very ill for a month. During that time there was no care provided for me, nobody to provide me with food or water when I was unable to even move. I had to do every chore myself. This lack of medical attention contributed to the state my deteriorating physical health. I was often ill during my teenage years, sometimes to the point of being unable to get out of bed for a month due to the physical pain. My parents made no attempt to provide me with any medication or take me to the doctor. I suffered in silence, alone in my room.
I never once considered reaching out for help, all because of the "reputation" that others have set for me. I had too many responsibilities in school to show any kind of weakness. The truth is that I also enjoy being looked up upon by my peers, even though my personality is just a mask that I want to show them. I was considered the role model in my old class, and I couldn't imagine the disappointment of my classmates and teachers if I told them that I was suffering and suicidal. That would destroy everything I stood for. Furthermore, my old class in China was a very tight-knit and collective group. If I thought of one thing, my classmates were likely to follow. If I revealed my suicidal intentions, I would likely ruin the entire class morality (班风) and this would disrupt their study and result in intervention from higher authorities on me. I did not want that.
But what is the point of living like this? What is the point of being "successful" if mere existence feels like torture? What is a grade, besides from a letter on a piece of paper that's going to be forgotten someday? I was never able connect with anyone in real life, because I can't bear the thought of showing them my true thoughts. I never had friends I could reveal my emotions to. I never had a family I could talk to. The only people who will ever understand me are some strangers on an online forum. There is no happiness for me in real life.
I will ultimately die, and I am not scared of death. But I would rather leave a favorable impression than a weak and failing one on my classmates, who I do sincerely care about. We spent years together, and that group of 20 people felt more like family than my real family ever did. I would rather die than let them down. I would rather die in honor than live in disgrace. 宁可玉碎，不愿瓦全. I know that I would never get past my mindset of being "weak" from suicide, my mind is already cold and twisted from my childhood neglect. But my goal is just trying to offer as much emotional support as possible to those who do need, and those who do have hope and will recover.
(Sorry for the disorientated English. I have not slept in three days.)
I'm not a pro-life person, and I'm not attempting to stand on a moral high ground to "help" those in deep despair and determined to die. But I do try my best to offer my consolations to those who do have hope in life, and are looking for emotional support.
I was born into a very wealthy family and had high-achieving parents who graduated from top schools. But that was it. Material wealth was all that my parents ever attempted to provide for me during my childhood. They had no expectations for me, and did not care whether I was dead or alive. There was no love, no emotional support, and no love between the two of my parents either. I managed to succeed academically on my own, and I had a very prominient reputation of the perfect student: intelligent, unassuming, and having a very optimistic and hopeful mindset. I also became the class rep during my time in China.
People like to automatically assume that excellent students also have excellent morality and character. I did not. I never truly had the will to live throughout my entire life. There was no reason for my existence, as even the closest people like my parents did not care about whether I was still alive. I developed a thought process revolving around nihilism, and I realized and the world would function exactly the same without me. So why was I still living, when there is nothing enjoyable in life? Shouldn't the reasonable answer to unnecessary pain be a voluntary end?
My first suicide attempt was when I was 8. My parents did not attempt to find me, nor did they try to take me to the hospital. I took around 100 pills of aspirin and was very ill for a month. During that time there was no care provided for me, nobody to provide me with food or water when I was unable to even move. I had to do every chore myself. This lack of medical attention contributed to the state my deteriorating physical health. I was often ill during my teenage years, sometimes to the point of being unable to get out of bed for a month due to the physical pain. My parents made no attempt to provide me with any medication or take me to the doctor. I suffered in silence, alone in my room.
I never once considered reaching out for help, all because of the "reputation" that others have set for me. I had too many responsibilities in school to show any kind of weakness. The truth is that I also enjoy being looked up upon by my peers, even though my personality is just a mask that I want to show them. I was considered the role model in my old class, and I couldn't imagine the disappointment of my classmates and teachers if I told them that I was suffering and suicidal. That would destroy everything I stood for. Furthermore, my old class in China was a very tight-knit and collective group. If I thought of one thing, my classmates were likely to follow. If I revealed my suicidal intentions, I would likely ruin the entire class morality (班风) and this would disrupt their study and result in intervention from higher authorities on me. I did not want that.
But what is the point of living like this? What is the point of being "successful" if mere existence feels like torture? What is a grade, besides from a letter on a piece of paper that's going to be forgotten someday? I was never able connect with anyone in real life, because I can't bear the thought of showing them my true thoughts. I never had friends I could reveal my emotions to. I never had a family I could talk to. The only people who will ever understand me are some strangers on an online forum. There is no happiness for me in real life.
I will ultimately die, and I am not scared of death. But I would rather leave a favorable impression than a weak and failing one on my classmates, who I do sincerely care about. We spent years together, and that group of 20 people felt more like family than my real family ever did. I would rather die than let them down. I would rather die in honor than live in disgrace. 宁可玉碎，不愿瓦全. I know that I would never get past my mindset of being "weak" from suicide, my mind is already cold and twisted from my childhood neglect. But my goal is just trying to offer as much emotional support as possible to those who do need, and those who do have hope and will recover.
(Sorry for the disorientated English. I have not slept in three days.)
I'm not a pro-life person, and I'm not attempting to stand on a moral high ground to "help" those in deep despair and determined to die. But I do try my best to offer my consolations to those who do have hope in life, and are looking for emotional support.
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