Story The methods I am debating and the reasons I want to ctb

[Ai-chan]

Methods I am considering:
1. SN - seems peaceful and quick enough without being so fast that SI would kick in before even starting. Also seems relatively reliable assuming I don't either get found or chicken out. Cons: not very easy to obtain

2. Fentanyl - seems peaceful and very quick. I know that my sis knows people that sell, and I have a client that regularly uses (so I could ask her worst comes to worst, Altho I really don't want to). Cons: expensive, might not get the real deal since it's going to be off the street, addiction risk if I survive, lack of employability if I survive (even bigger lack if I also get addicted)

3. CO - materials are more easily accessible. I have a car that can be used as an enclosed space or I could use the garage. Cons: slightly less reliable. Possible permanent effects?

4. Hanging- materials very easily accessible. Garage would be the best place to do it too. Plus according to Wikipedia there is symbolism to it ("Hanging was the most common method in traditional Chinese culture, as it was believed that the rage involved in such a death permitted the person's spirit to haunt and torment survivors.")
Cons: less reliable. Easy to mess up. Some suffering involved. Possible permanent effects if botched

My reason: I am tired of the life that I live. I was born in the US from conservative south Asian parents. I also have a sister who is 7 years younger than me. (That will be relevant later)

From chikdhood until now my sis and I have been abused either physically, verbally, or emotionally. The instances of physical abuse that stand out to me are that one time my dad beat the shit out of me for getting a 93 on a math test in middle school (as opposed to 100) and that time both mom and dad beat the shit out of my sister for running late.

During that second instance I was a coward. I. Did. Nothing.

Everyone says "oh you were also a kid" but I was 14 for fucks sake. Kid or not there was no excuse for me to just stand there while a literal 7 year old was being passed around like a hot potato for another beating session by my parents just because they're mad over her running late.

And btw the real kicker is that part of the reason my sis was running late is because she was comforting ME.

Anyway, fast forward to the present

My sis is now 17 and has already been through hell and back. She's 9 months clean from a marijuana addiction.

And I was the one that funded said addiction to begin with. Why? Because I can't say no. Because I am a coward. Always have been. Always will be.

Despite the fact that my sis is 9 months clean my parents still accuse her of being a druggie and source the most arbitrary things as "proof"

Todays "proof" was the fact that she got a pair of ripped jeans

Yes, ripped jeans.

Also during this rant they were blaming me for being the reason my sister "turned out the way she did". I will take responsibility for being part of the reason she is traumatized and a large contributor to her marijuana addiction, but I highly doubt buying her a pair of ripped jeans is "corrupting her"

They also found the finger tats that my sister DIY'd, which they're also blaming me for lol. And ofc they're also sighting those as "proof"

I am so sick of the constant arguments and verbal berating going on around me as I end up being able to do nothing, just as I always have and just as I always will. Whenever I did intervene in the past the arguments would only get worse and my parents would drive me to the point where I was ready to swallow a bunch of Tylenol pills on the spot (that story is also a doozy)

I always dreamed of the day I would be able to move out, but that is becoming less and less of a possibility as the days go on. My college gpa was shit which puts my chances of grad school pretty low. My current full time job leaves me busy as hell but also barely pays anything. Everything is expensive in NYC and relocating is too daunting.

I can't take it anymore. I failed in many ways. As a student, as a social worker, qnd most importantly as a sister.

 

[makethepainstop]

Methods I am considering:
1. SN - seems peaceful and quick enough without being so fast that SI would kick in before even starting. Also seems relatively reliable assuming I don't either get found or chicken out. Cons: not very easy to obtain

2. Fentanyl - seems peaceful and very quick. I know that my sis knows people that sell, and I have a client that regularly uses (so I could ask her worst comes to worst, Altho I really don't want to). Cons: expensive, might not get the real deal since it's going to be off the street, addiction risk if I survive, lack of employability if I survive (even bigger lack if I also get addicted)

3. CO - materials are more easily accessible. I have a car that can be used as an enclosed space or I could use the garage. Cons: slightly less reliable. Possible permanent effects?

4. Hanging- materials very easily accessible. Garage would be the best place to do it too. Plus according to Wikipedia there is symbolism to it ("Hanging was the most common method in traditional Chinese culture, as it was believed that the rage involved in such a death permitted the person's spirit to haunt and torment survivors.")
Cons: less reliable. Easy to mess up. Some suffering involved. Possible permanent effects if botched

My reason: I am tired of the life that I live. I was born in the US from conservative south Asian parents. I also have a sister who is 7 years younger than me. (That will be relevant later)

From chikdhood until now my sis and I have been abused either physically, verbally, or emotionally. The instances of physical abuse that stand out to me are that one time my dad beat the shit out of me for getting a 93 on a math test in middle school (as opposed to 100) and that time both mom and dad beat the shit out of my sister for running late.

During that second instance I was a coward. I. Did. Nothing.

Everyone says "oh you were also a kid" but I was 14 for fucks sake. Kid or not there was no excuse for me to just stand there while a literal 7 year old was being passed around like a hot potato for another beating session by my parents just because they're mad over her running late.

And btw the real kicker is that part of the reason my sis was running late is because she was comforting ME.

Anyway, fast forward to the present

My sis is now 17 and has already been through hell and back. She's 9 months clean from a marijuana addiction.

And I was the one that funded said addiction to begin with. Why? Because I can't say no. Because I am a coward. Always have been. Always will be.

Despite the fact that my sis is 9 months clean my parents still accuse her of being a druggie and source the most arbitrary things as "proof"

Todays "proof" was the fact that she got a pair of ripped jeans

Yes, ripped jeans.

Also during this rant they were blaming me for being the reason my sister "turned out the way she did". I will take responsibility for being part of the reason she is traumatized and a large contributor to her marijuana addiction, but I highly doubt buying her a pair of ripped jeans is "corrupting her"

They also found the finger tats that my sister DIY'd, which they're also blaming me for lol. And ofc they're also sighting those as "proof"

I am so sick of the constant arguments and verbal berating going on around me as I end up being able to do nothing, just as I always have and just as I always will. Whenever I did intervene in the past the arguments would only get worse and my parents would drive me to the point where I was ready to swallow a bunch of Tylenol pills on the spot (that story is also a doozy)

I always dreamed of the day I would be able to move out, but that is becoming less and less of a possibility as the days go on. My college gpa was shit which puts my chances of grad school pretty low. My current full time job leaves me busy as hell but also barely pays anything. Everything is expensive in NYC and relocating is too daunting.

I can't take it anymore. I failed in many ways. As a student, as a social worker, qnd most importantly as a sister.

You need to find a way to distance yourself from your parents, they sound pretty toxic to me.
But I have to say I envy you for having a Dad that cared enough about you to push you to do better.

 

[Ai-chan]

You need to find a way to distance yourself from your parents, they sound pretty toxic to me.
But I have to say I envy you for having a Dad that cared enough about you to push you to do better.

I don't think he cares about me as much as it was that he cared about his reputation

From a young age he was ashamed that I was ugly. I had early onset pcos which led to severe acne and weight gain. He would always go off about my looks, my skin pickin, and even went as far as to say "I don't know how we're going to marry her off" I was ~10

In high school he would constantly show off the fact that I went to a "specialized high school" while conveniantly leaving out the details of my actual performance there (medoocre at best, bottom of the barrel. This is still true to this day lol)

You need to find a way to distance yourself from your parents, they sound pretty toxic to me.
But I have to say I envy you for having a Dad that cared enough about you to push you to do better.

Also considering the rising prices of rent and basic needs, as well as my severe lacking of executive functioning I doubt I would actually be able to survive on my own. I'd probably starve and at best live in one of those hoarders dens. That is…assuming I can even afford a place to mess up

 

[makethepainstop]

I don't think he cares about me as much as it was that he cared about his reputation

From a young age he was ashamed that I was ugly. I had early onset pcos which led to severe acne and weight gain. He would always go off about my looks, my skin pickin, and even went as far as to say "I don't know how we're going to marry her off" I was ~10

In high school he would constantly show off the fact that I went to a "specialized high school" while conveniantly leaving out the details of my actual performance there (medoocre at best, bottom of the barrel. This is still true to this day lol)

Also considering the rising prices of rent and basic needs, as well as my severe lacking of executive functioning I doubt I would actually be able to survive on my own. I'd probably starve and at best live in one of those hoarders dens. That is…assuming I can even afford a place to mess up

God I am so sorry. escaping toxic family members can be a real chore, I am in a similar position, and I spend every waking minute trying to think of ways and means to make my escape. Most days I go home and chomp on some THC gummies to get stoned enough that I tune them out. I like hiding in my room.

 

[Ai-chan]

God I am so sorry. escaping toxic family members can be a real chore, I am in a similar position, and I spend every waking minute trying to think of ways and means to make my escape. Most days I go home and chomp on some THC gummies to get stoned enough that I tune them out. I like hiding in my room.

Tbh I'm shocked I'm not addicted to a non stimulant substance. Not toing to lie, I used to smoke WITH my sister (as the ultimate shitty enabler, I am the worst, I know.) but then realized that it only makes me paranoid 99% of the time. And with alcohol I need to drink a lot to even feel remotely tipsy let alone actually drunk

 

[SamTam33]

...From childhood until now my sis and I have been abused either physically, verbally, or emotionally. The instances of physical abuse that stand out to me are that one time my dad beat the shit out of me for getting a 93 on a math test in middle school (as opposed to 100) and that time both mom and dad beat the shit out of my sister for running late.

This stopped me dead in my tracks. My breath caught in my throat and I stared at it for awhile.

My dad also beat me on occasion and I feel that there is something so sick and sadistic about a man beating up his daughters.

I don't have much advice to offer other than to say people who physically hurt children are the literal scum of the earth and I don't blame you for wanting to escape.

Oftentimes we soften and make excuses for our parents because it's too painful to accept that A) they're shitty people or B) they were just shitty to us.

*Me typing a "fuck you" text to my dad with a pic of the scar he gave me when I was 12.*

It's been over 30 years and it's still there. I did not mean to make this post about me, but the circumstances of your beating made me so mad. A 93.

 

[Ai-chan]

This stopped me dead in my tracks. My breath caught in my throat and I stared at it for awhile.

My dad also beat me on occasion and I feel that there is something so sick and sadistic about a man beating up his daughters.

I don't have much advice to offer other than to say people who physically hurt children are the literal scum of the earth and I don't blame you for wanting to escape.

Oftentimes we soften and make excuses for our parents because it's too painful to accept that A) they're shitty people or B) they were just shitty to us.

*Me typing a "fuck you" text to my dad with a pic of the scar he gave me when I was 12.*

It's been over 30 years and it's still there. I did not mean to make this post about me, but the circumstances of your beating made me so mad. A 93.

Nah ur fine, ur not making it about urself by talking about ur shit tier dad

Tbh I'm mad too. Mad at my own circumstances, and mad at circumstances that other kids or even adults out there have to go through on the daily.

I know my story isn't even the worst of what is out there and I have no right to complain. I always had a roof over my head and a stable supply of food on the table

And yet I can't help but feel really bitter

 

[Pluto]

Sorry that it has come to this.

Your story is classic narcissistic parenting, where the image of the parents is all that matters. Your experience with your sister is a kind of parentification, which is why you (falsely) feel a sense of responsibility for her.

The only hope would be if you could move into a shared house or some other arrangement. I went through the same thing at your age and felt brainwashed that I could never leave.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you are going through. There really is nothing fair about this life and it's such a cruel existence that brings people to this point. It's horrific how humans can cause so much harm and create so much suffering but I wish you the best.