Hi all. I'm brand new here, but I've been reading the forums for months. I'm struck by how well the forum is kept and how people treat each other. Any rotten eggs really stand out bc pretty much everyone is kind f a community oriented. It's lovely. And it's sad too, that we are all deep enough in this that of all things, suicide is the uniting front.
My first thread is part introduction, part story of a failed attempt. Any time someone posts about a failed attempt I am just super grateful hopefully it can resonate with someone
Last night I tried for the first time to ctb. It was months of preparation. I went back and forth on a lot of details but it's always been SN. I've written a ton of drafts is suicide notes and makeshift wills. I'm a writer so that's been the "fun" part of all this.
I read thread after thread about SN. I bought it months ago. I learned about "half life" and other shit I couldn't be bothered to retain from Chemistry.
I got everything ready. I'm deeply depressed and I'm 100% all for ctb but I have a lot of sadness around what state I'll leavw for the people I love. One of my best friends killed himself 6 years ago. I really, really get that. And I want to try to minimize the trauma. Part of why I picked SN is that it seems the least gruesome? I don't know.
Anyway, last night, I mixed up 25 g (just over 4 teaspoons) into a little less than half a pint of water. I took 500mg of ibuprofen an hour or two before. I tried not to eat as much (I can't really fast, I'm a big baby) so it would absorb faster.
It took me a long time to take the first sip. I just kept being like, wow, this is really happening. I started by just tasting it, like with the tip of my tongue. It was salty but didn't actually seem that bad, not as bad as I thought it'd be. So I took 3 sips total. Barely got ANY SN. It was way way more gross to sip it than taste it. It felt like weirdly thick in my mouth. I realized that there'd be no way I could drink the whole thing, no matter how bad I wanted to go. So! I laid back. I had gotten a garbage can out so I could puke if I needed to. I was in my bed. I tried to close my eyes but my body was Goin Thru Stuff lol.
I just got a Fitbit a few days ago and kept it on for this so I could watch my heart rate. Here's the progression, to the best of my memory. Especially when I realized I probably would live, I wanted to at least observe to share with you.
< 5 min after taking SN: I didn't feel nauseated but I did feel like that weird dryness of the throat that happens right before you gag.
5-8 min: I gagged very suddenly and violently but only once. Nothing came up. I laid back down. My heart rate went from 95 (my resting... I'm fat) to 125 like before my eyes. I got extremely sweaty and dizzy. I saw "confusion" on here as a symptom and now I know what that means.
8-20 min: I was kind of just helplessly laying there. I felt very out of control. Why is it that a weed gummy takes like 90 minutes to work but like a tiny bit of salt completely fucks me up immediately? (Rhetorical question, but it was fascinating). These 12 minutes were honestly pretty terrible, but they were better than the 5-8 min phase. Part of why is because I know that about ~20 min I was supposed to be unconscious, so it was easier to focus on that to calm down. I tried harder to lay in bed as if I was going to sleep. It was with mixed success.
20+ min: I don't know. My heart rate went down to about 110. Even though I knew I had had hardly any SN, I did wonder if I'd die anyway, since it clearly is really powerful stuff. I kept wanting to drink water to get the taste out of my mouth but I didn't have any water left in my bedroom. Then I had some self-loathe feels about saying I deserve to suffer anyway, etc. Somehow I fell asleep, and woke up a few times.
~5 hours: I woke up, very suddenly. And needed to shit myself. So I ran to the bathroom, took care of that. I suspect there's more where that came from tbh. It definitely felt like a punishment from my body. I grabbed some water from the kitchen finally... drank maybe 4 oz of that (sorry, I'm from the US) and then immediately wanted to hurl. I went back to the bathroom, and threw up soooo much. Way more than I thought I would. I really tried hard to not consume very much yesterday! The only thing I had in the evening was some cheetos (like a mini last meal/snack.. I love me some cheetos). I will probably never have cheetos again now tbh, bc it was all I could taste. So gross.
After my body's triumphant and dramatic expulsion of the toxins, I emailed my boss and said I'd need another sick day. And I went to sleep, totally out, for 3 hours. Then when my ex gf dropped off our hound in the morning, he curled up by me and we slept for 5 more hours.
That is my story. Today, I'm uncertain what I should do. Most of the failed attempts I've read about have ended with the blue stuff at the hospital, or they were found or panicked last second (totally understandable). I didn't have that. I took hardly any, and I'm still alive, and I look fine (besides unshowered and fucking exhausted). Is there something I should be doing? Should I eat again today? Probably, right? Gonna throw out this gd bag of cheetos which is really too bad tbh.
I had a number of questions come up for me when preparing. I hope not too many of them are answered in a million other places. I know how annoying that is. Here are a few:
I had a bunch of others but now I'm forgetting. Gonna find some food.
Thanks to all of you for reading.
My first thread is part introduction, part story of a failed attempt. Any time someone posts about a failed attempt I am just super grateful hopefully it can resonate with someone
Last night I tried for the first time to ctb. It was months of preparation. I went back and forth on a lot of details but it's always been SN. I've written a ton of drafts is suicide notes and makeshift wills. I'm a writer so that's been the "fun" part of all this.
I read thread after thread about SN. I bought it months ago. I learned about "half life" and other shit I couldn't be bothered to retain from Chemistry.
I got everything ready. I'm deeply depressed and I'm 100% all for ctb but I have a lot of sadness around what state I'll leavw for the people I love. One of my best friends killed himself 6 years ago. I really, really get that. And I want to try to minimize the trauma. Part of why I picked SN is that it seems the least gruesome? I don't know.
Anyway, last night, I mixed up 25 g (just over 4 teaspoons) into a little less than half a pint of water. I took 500mg of ibuprofen an hour or two before. I tried not to eat as much (I can't really fast, I'm a big baby) so it would absorb faster.
It took me a long time to take the first sip. I just kept being like, wow, this is really happening. I started by just tasting it, like with the tip of my tongue. It was salty but didn't actually seem that bad, not as bad as I thought it'd be. So I took 3 sips total. Barely got ANY SN. It was way way more gross to sip it than taste it. It felt like weirdly thick in my mouth. I realized that there'd be no way I could drink the whole thing, no matter how bad I wanted to go. So! I laid back. I had gotten a garbage can out so I could puke if I needed to. I was in my bed. I tried to close my eyes but my body was Goin Thru Stuff lol.
I just got a Fitbit a few days ago and kept it on for this so I could watch my heart rate. Here's the progression, to the best of my memory. Especially when I realized I probably would live, I wanted to at least observe to share with you.
< 5 min after taking SN: I didn't feel nauseated but I did feel like that weird dryness of the throat that happens right before you gag.
5-8 min: I gagged very suddenly and violently but only once. Nothing came up. I laid back down. My heart rate went from 95 (my resting... I'm fat) to 125 like before my eyes. I got extremely sweaty and dizzy. I saw "confusion" on here as a symptom and now I know what that means.
8-20 min: I was kind of just helplessly laying there. I felt very out of control. Why is it that a weed gummy takes like 90 minutes to work but like a tiny bit of salt completely fucks me up immediately? (Rhetorical question, but it was fascinating). These 12 minutes were honestly pretty terrible, but they were better than the 5-8 min phase. Part of why is because I know that about ~20 min I was supposed to be unconscious, so it was easier to focus on that to calm down. I tried harder to lay in bed as if I was going to sleep. It was with mixed success.
20+ min: I don't know. My heart rate went down to about 110. Even though I knew I had had hardly any SN, I did wonder if I'd die anyway, since it clearly is really powerful stuff. I kept wanting to drink water to get the taste out of my mouth but I didn't have any water left in my bedroom. Then I had some self-loathe feels about saying I deserve to suffer anyway, etc. Somehow I fell asleep, and woke up a few times.
~5 hours: I woke up, very suddenly. And needed to shit myself. So I ran to the bathroom, took care of that. I suspect there's more where that came from tbh. It definitely felt like a punishment from my body. I grabbed some water from the kitchen finally... drank maybe 4 oz of that (sorry, I'm from the US) and then immediately wanted to hurl. I went back to the bathroom, and threw up soooo much. Way more than I thought I would. I really tried hard to not consume very much yesterday! The only thing I had in the evening was some cheetos (like a mini last meal/snack.. I love me some cheetos). I will probably never have cheetos again now tbh, bc it was all I could taste. So gross.
After my body's triumphant and dramatic expulsion of the toxins, I emailed my boss and said I'd need another sick day. And I went to sleep, totally out, for 3 hours. Then when my ex gf dropped off our hound in the morning, he curled up by me and we slept for 5 more hours.
That is my story. Today, I'm uncertain what I should do. Most of the failed attempts I've read about have ended with the blue stuff at the hospital, or they were found or panicked last second (totally understandable). I didn't have that. I took hardly any, and I'm still alive, and I look fine (besides unshowered and fucking exhausted). Is there something I should be doing? Should I eat again today? Probably, right? Gonna throw out this gd bag of cheetos which is really too bad tbh.
I had a number of questions come up for me when preparing. I hope not too many of them are answered in a million other places. I know how annoying that is. Here are a few:
- I actually really enjoy salt in large quantities. I never worried that the SN taste thing would be an issue, but it ended up being the showstopper. Is there any other way we can use it? Like can we salt super bland food with it? It's a LOT but I'm more apt to put way too much salt on my food than to literally salt a glass of water (which I normally enjoy).
- Is it really so bad to have food throughout the day? The objective is to have it absorb faster, but, genuine question, is faster really more successful? My pathetic little 3 grams of SN (an estimate) was a huge shock to my system, and I'm 5'8", 215 lbs. What if it was slowly introduced? Or introduced on a stomach that's already had normal things in it?It's very common to take meds with food to prevent discomfort.
- Should I have gone to the hospital? Would you have?
I had a bunch of others but now I'm forgetting. Gonna find some food.
Thanks to all of you for reading.
