AStruggle
a clinically depressed vidya connoisseur
- Feb 8, 2024
- 40
Hello, fellow struggling people.
Recently I went for a walk along the road that goes through the village I live in. It was about two hours long and I had a little me time to think about the nature of what I'm going through. I think I have an idea.
I want to start out by saying that there are a shitton of distractions that litter my consciousness. I don't have a job, I am super anxious in social situations, I can rarely enjoy anything I am doing and most of the time I just exist day to day scrolling the surface web like instagram and basically "rotting" in bed as they say. I try to be creative, move forward and make the most out of my situation, but it can be extremely hard as you all know. But all of these problems stem from the fact I am severely and utterly depressed. I could do better if I didn't feel so down all the time, if this condition didn't weaken me and make me so miserable.
I had to think about what exactly could be the reason of my existential dread and anxiousness in every aspect of my life. And I think I've got a lead.
It's most likely the human society. The way everything is structured in this global system, the way it all works.
The world as a whole is a big human hirearchy which operates by suppressing and controlling people. You cant just be by yourself, you're FORCED to be a citizen, an employee or whatever else, and submit to someone else's rules one way or another. It's always "you chose to either be a boss or a slave", there's no real choice if you hate this fucking games and don't want to play them. Every time a human infrastructure develops these fucking morons start to distribute roles by how much power they hold - and they're ok with that! First we have this stupid shit in the real world, and now the internet is like that too - there are the big boys that control the information, the access and everything, and there is the rest of the humans, mixed into a herd or a slop that willingly gives their power out to some fuckers and play by their rules because otherwise they will be banned, banished, tortured or generally abused in any other way.
I also hate it that people are willingly contributing to this mess, by applying to the police, the army, secret services, mercenary groups and bring even more violence into this world. Some fucking idiot president or boss or whatever tells you to go and kill people for him, or for your country or for some idea and you just go and do that? Really? Motherfucker, if you want them dead so bad go and fight them yourself.
This world is full of contradictions and I am forced to make sense out of them somehow. I have lost my will to live and literally can't enjoy life anymore because of how fucked up this system is. To get better and come to terms with everything I am supposed to go through therapy, which costs money. But to make money you've got to learn skills, do shit and get better at stuff. But you can't, because living literally hurts you every single second you're alive.
One could say that the depression isn't real, because basically it's just a deviation from a set of human made standards, which aren't real in the first place. But there is no escape from the system. To be able to live in this shit you've got to conform to these rules and be "healthy" by the standards this system imposes on you.
Is there no place for me in this fucking world? I don't know. All these realizations are making me want to kms, but I want to live and be happy! But to be happy I need to come to terms with everything I'm being forced to live by. But I hate living by it. I don't want to hurt and I don't want to be hurt. I want to be able to do shit with my life without other fuckers, who don't even know me, interfering. I want to be able to enjoy videogames, to listen to music and observe the fucking birds and trees while I'm high on mushrooms. What I don't want to do is waste half my life to do some shit for some fucker so that he can fuck more hookers or fly his stupid fucking jet six times a week. Fuck it all.
Please let me know if you think like that too.
Recently I went for a walk along the road that goes through the village I live in. It was about two hours long and I had a little me time to think about the nature of what I'm going through. I think I have an idea.
I want to start out by saying that there are a shitton of distractions that litter my consciousness. I don't have a job, I am super anxious in social situations, I can rarely enjoy anything I am doing and most of the time I just exist day to day scrolling the surface web like instagram and basically "rotting" in bed as they say. I try to be creative, move forward and make the most out of my situation, but it can be extremely hard as you all know. But all of these problems stem from the fact I am severely and utterly depressed. I could do better if I didn't feel so down all the time, if this condition didn't weaken me and make me so miserable.
I had to think about what exactly could be the reason of my existential dread and anxiousness in every aspect of my life. And I think I've got a lead.
It's most likely the human society. The way everything is structured in this global system, the way it all works.
The world as a whole is a big human hirearchy which operates by suppressing and controlling people. You cant just be by yourself, you're FORCED to be a citizen, an employee or whatever else, and submit to someone else's rules one way or another. It's always "you chose to either be a boss or a slave", there's no real choice if you hate this fucking games and don't want to play them. Every time a human infrastructure develops these fucking morons start to distribute roles by how much power they hold - and they're ok with that! First we have this stupid shit in the real world, and now the internet is like that too - there are the big boys that control the information, the access and everything, and there is the rest of the humans, mixed into a herd or a slop that willingly gives their power out to some fuckers and play by their rules because otherwise they will be banned, banished, tortured or generally abused in any other way.
I also hate it that people are willingly contributing to this mess, by applying to the police, the army, secret services, mercenary groups and bring even more violence into this world. Some fucking idiot president or boss or whatever tells you to go and kill people for him, or for your country or for some idea and you just go and do that? Really? Motherfucker, if you want them dead so bad go and fight them yourself.
This world is full of contradictions and I am forced to make sense out of them somehow. I have lost my will to live and literally can't enjoy life anymore because of how fucked up this system is. To get better and come to terms with everything I am supposed to go through therapy, which costs money. But to make money you've got to learn skills, do shit and get better at stuff. But you can't, because living literally hurts you every single second you're alive.
One could say that the depression isn't real, because basically it's just a deviation from a set of human made standards, which aren't real in the first place. But there is no escape from the system. To be able to live in this shit you've got to conform to these rules and be "healthy" by the standards this system imposes on you.
Is there no place for me in this fucking world? I don't know. All these realizations are making me want to kms, but I want to live and be happy! But to be happy I need to come to terms with everything I'm being forced to live by. But I hate living by it. I don't want to hurt and I don't want to be hurt. I want to be able to do shit with my life without other fuckers, who don't even know me, interfering. I want to be able to enjoy videogames, to listen to music and observe the fucking birds and trees while I'm high on mushrooms. What I don't want to do is waste half my life to do some shit for some fucker so that he can fuck more hookers or fly his stupid fucking jet six times a week. Fuck it all.
Please let me know if you think like that too.
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