The precipice between persevering and giving up

[papulin]

Me again.
Does anyone find themselves teetering between feeling they will inevitably, invariably CTB and yet also wanting to persevere, be rid of the depression and move on to a brighter, new chapter?

In this manner I find myself surfing both sides of this site, the ideation and the recovery sides. Almost wallowing in ideation and then at times desperately looking for something to snap me out of it.

In recent weeks the oscillation has been intense, days where I can be productive and a good father and husband, and days where I lock myself away in my office, hiding despair, hopelessness. I know part of this is in my head.

I has been this way since 8 years ago I was coerced by prosecutors in a high profile case to plead guilty to something I did not do. I was later vindicated but the public excoriation is still there. Like the famous saying "which office do I go to to get my reputation back?" A career that I worked hard to build disintegrated, with broken friendships, no opportunities, just me sitting at home for nearly 8 years feeling generally worthless.

 

[meetapple]

I just spoke with my psychologist. I want to just say to her this is futile and don't bother setting a follow up appointment but I can never get the nerve to say it. However, after the appointment I feel more hopeful for a while. Then I have to leave the house. I invariably attract attention from people who think I am some kind of oddball. My goal would be to apply logic and what I learned from past experiences and I will be feel from rebukes but it never happens. I just can't create a sense of comfort and confidence which would allow me to operate under the radar. I guess it's because I haven't had a normal job for a long time. When I come home from these excursions I feel depressed and give up on habits I had just started working on.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've been like that in the past, wanting to feel better and be free from the pain that I am in. Any hope I have had has just been taken away really. It wasn't realistic. Life has just worked against me really.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I was sort of like this, at least when I used to want to put off my CTB until I'm 30 instead of 28 like I have now.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yes, I'm like that everyday, basically.

I'm doing my best to live so that my dad is happy and maybe even me, you know, I might enjoy life a few years before my 40s!
However, I'm deffo getting the hell outta this planet in a few years.