Story the Reason I joined here

[eike2838]

Hello, let me explain everything briefly. First, I want to apologize for my bad English—I'm from a European country where English isn't widely spoken.


I'm currently between 18 and 22 years old. When I was 16, I tried something… but all it led to was me ending up in a coma. I woke up without any physical damage, but after that, I was forced to see psychologists and psychiatrists. They didn't help me at all. Instead, they judged me. One of them even told me that what I did was "immature." (the mental health care system in Spain is terrible, especially under social security.)


Since then, things only got worse. Sure, I've had a few better years here and there, but nothing that made me want to live. I've been stuck in a deep depression since I was 15 or 16, and it hasn't gotten better at all. I haven't made any friends since then—I'm completely alone.


I've also watched myself change physically. I used to think I looked good, but now I feel like a social outcast. My doctor even told me that my anxiety and other mental health issues are the reason I've started losing hair.


I was once in a long-distance relationship with a trans guy I really loved. We were planning to meet, but my self-hatred and mental health ruined everything. I ended up breaking things off, thinking it would stop me from hurting him more. Instead, I just caused him pain.


Now, here I am, at my age, feeling like I've wasted everything. I look and feel like shit, I haven't made any friends, I've never even had a kiss, and I can't help but wonder—why is suicide so frowned upon? Since I was a kid, I always thought I'd die young

 

[VigilanteWithViolin]

Sometimes it seems to me that any free choice, including suicide, is condemned in society...
Unfortunately, very often during mental illness or severe stress, our appearance changes for the worse, because our hair begins to fall out, our skin deteriorates, we get very fat or lose weight, and this affects our mental state even more. It's like a vicious circle that is very difficult to break. Around the same years as you, I was trying to make ctb, and it seems like I really died that time, and all that's happening now is not life.
Anyway, my support to you in these difficult times! I hope your condition doesn't get worse.

 

[pointblank]

That's a shame on your romantic relationship. You decided on your own what's best for the both of you instead of talking it out as a couple. Is it over or are you still in contact with him?

Also, you didn't say the reason you did that "something" that led you into a coma. What was the backstory behind that?

 

[eike2838]

That's a shame on your romantic relationship. You decided on your own what's best for the both of you instead of talking it out as a couple. Is it over or are you still in contact with him?

Also, you didn't say the reason you did that "something" that led you into a coma. What was the backstory behind that?

About the relationship:

I really broke up with him suddenly. I broke up because it seemed very selfish (in my opinion) that he was with me when I wanted to die, so what I thought was to break up, and that he would get over me and I could find another person and not suffer so much mourning.
It was very difficult for me to walk away so we had contact for a long time, and it was horrible because we had to treat each other like friends when we didn't want to. Many times I walked away, the other person came back and that's how it was until a few months ago that I haven't answered him again although he has tried to get in touch by sending things that he remembers. But hey, I tried to make him hate me and I succeeded, now he won't worry about me and will live his life with his friends. Unlike me, he does have a close group that loves and accepts him.

And the other thing:
My attempt was with a whole box of pills that a neurologist prescribed for headaches. I read that it could be effective with these pills but they were very few and it only served to spend weeks in a hospital and seeing my parents asking why.

You can ask anything if you want

 

[foreverlanguish]

I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I'm glad you didn't sustain any long term damage from your method in the years past though! and I'm sorry for what you've had to deal with in the mental health system. I don't how it's like in Spain, but even in the US the mental health system isn't too great imo. I relate to you in that I broke it off with an online partner and ghosted many good friends due to my not wanting to hurt them…