The Reason I'm Still Here

[LivingDeadTGirl]

The only thing I have left to hang on to is I need to be around to take care of my parents the way they took care of their parents / the way they currently are taking care of their parents in their final years. I absolutely owe it to them, trust me... and yet, even that isn't enough to keep me going. I mean I'm here right? I found this place and not by accident.

I had some real shitty personal loss last year around the end of September and I have been stoned every minute of every day since then until last night when the weed man let me down and I ran out. When the weed wears off, the numbness goes away and I start thinking "clearly" again. Not only do I start feeling feelings again, I start to give into them. Nothing but ideations of suicide running through my mind since last night (hey, that's when I found you guys ) and every waking second of today.

I've been laying in bed doing nothing for 5 hours since I got home. I had a chance to get hood weed from a local guy, but I was so filled with seething anger with the world (typical for me when I'm sober) that I embraced the hatred and didn't reup. I could have driven out of town to get top shelf bud, but I chose to stay in bed doing nothing but wallowing in my self loathing. I haven't been clear headed in months, I had been stoned and numb, and now at my sharpest wits, I just want to die. Tonight. Right now. The night night method is in my car. 10 seconds and we're good.

All I want to do is sleep the rest of my life away so I will still be around to take care of my Dad when he needs it. And it brings me to tears that even that isn't enough to help me carry on when I'm sober. If you hate your family and can't relate, I'm truly sorry. I've been lucky, my dad is a saint, and my mom, not so much, but she did everything to care for her mom when she was dying and she still helps me, and I respect the hell out of them.

I want to be able to make myself sleep more, and unfortunately my tolerance to weed is so high that no matter how much I smoke, the best I get anymore is numb and things bother me less. I'm completely unmedicated (other than weed) and just raw dogging these emotions here. Can't really afford healthcare, but it seems like I gotta get on ambien or something. Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

[cme-dme]

I have loving parents and I still (generally) don't think I owe them anything. I just disagree with the idea that you owe your parents anything just because they birthed you. It's not like a consented to being born or was allowed to say no. Regardless they're probably the primary reason I can't CTB. Would feel too guilty. Maybe when my siblings are grown up and can take care of my mom will I be able to. I do sometimes wish I could just sleep for 10-15 years and wake up then. If I had weed available I would be smoking it right now lol. Seems like the closest thing to feeling nothing (or at least, less bad emotions) is with weed.

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

Weed helps you to be much more unbothered by things.

But as far as owing my parents, I never said it's because "they birthed me," it's because how much they've cared for me and so much more. I don't just feel obligated to take care of them, I want to.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

For what it's worth, I think your head/feelings are in the right place and I commend you for finding the fortitude to try and "hang around" to help care for your parents. For wanting to help them out. They didn't commit any crime by "birthing" you, as others may infer, moral or otherwise.

 

[cme-dme]

But as far as owing my parents, I never said it's because "they birthed me," it's because how much they've cared for me and so much more. I don't just feel obligated to take care of them, I want to.

I'm glad that's how you feel! Sorry, the way I phrased my post was all wrong.

 

[Jaded_Wolf]

OP, I feel like I can relate to some of what you're saying. On my reasons to live list (also have reasons to die), one of the reasons is not knowing who else would be there for my mom. Due to personal changes in the last few years, I've gotten much closer to my mom, probably the closet since my young childhood years.

Despite this, I also have chronic suicidal ideation. While I have thought through various methods, more than anything I just wish there was an option to just go to bed and never wake up. It's like I want to be able to die (sooner than later) to solve my problems without having to actively make the decision to die, and thereby feel bad about leaving my mom behind like that.

As of now, it seems like I've been using sleep as an escape but to still be there for my mom. I am on Ambien (to help me stay asleep, as opposed to falling asleep) and Hydroxyzine. An interesting thing about Ambien is it doesn't make me sleepy right away, but it can really bring out suicidal ideation to the forefront of my mind (unless I go to bed immediately after taking the Ambien).

 

[F@#$]

Hit some dabs.

 

[Valhala]

The only reason I'm still here is the possibility to reconcile and be with my one true love again. My SN and Benzo are already ready, I'm waiting to complete with Meto and Paracetamol to have everything for the protocol.

 

[cracklingroses]

The only thing I have left to hang on to is I need to be around to take care of my parents the way they took care of their parents / the way they currently are taking care of their parents in their final years. I absolutely owe it to them, trust me... and yet, even that isn't enough to keep me going. I mean I'm here right? I found this place and not by accident.

I had some real shitty personal loss last year around the end of September and I have been stoned every minute of every day since then until last night when the weed man let me down and I ran out. When the weed wears off, the numbness goes away and I start thinking "clearly" again. Not only do I start feeling feelings again, I start to give into them. Nothing but ideations of suicide running through my mind since last night (hey, that's when I found you guys ) and every waking second of today.

I've been laying in bed doing nothing for 5 hours since I got home. I had a chance to get hood weed from a local guy, but I was so filled with seething anger with the world (typical for me when I'm sober) that I embraced the hatred and didn't reup. I could have driven out of town to get top shelf bud, but I chose to stay in bed doing nothing but wallowing in my self loathing. I haven't been clear headed in months, I had been stoned and numb, and now at my sharpest wits, I just want to die. Tonight. Right now. The night night method is in my car. 10 seconds and we're good.

All I want to do is sleep the rest of my life away so I will still be around to take care of my Dad when he needs it. And it brings me to tears that even that isn't enough to help me carry on when I'm sober. If you hate your family and can't relate, I'm truly sorry. I've been lucky, my dad is a saint, and my mom, not so much, but she did everything to care for her mom when she was dying and she still helps me, and I respect the hell out of them.

I want to be able to make myself sleep more, and unfortunately my tolerance to weed is so high that no matter how much I smoke, the best I get anymore is numb and things bother me less. I'm completely unmedicated (other than weed) and just raw dogging these emotions here. Can't really afford healthcare, but it seems like I gotta get on ambien or something. Anyway, thanks for reading.

I don't know if you happen to live in the USA, but if you do, it is pretty easy to order THCA online. I have been doing that since getting a medical card in my state is ridiculously expensive and so are their products. I have found it to be the same potency. Maybe that can help? I know cannabis can be a helpful medicine. I hope you can stay strong, I am sorry things have been so hard. I relate to you about needing to stay alive to take care of family. That is the position I am in as well.

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

I don't know if you happen to live in the USA, but if you do, it is pretty easy to order THCA online.

I do not recommend THCA, it tastes unnatural like spice and the high comes on faster and leaves faster like spice. There's just something not right and unnatural about that no matter what anyone says. Confirmed with my local weed guy, lol, he said the same thing.

Not sure if it's related, but I remembered I bought two prerolled THCA joints (as decoys for my car bc the real stuff is still illegal in my state) and I smoked those in the meantime. I spent this morning in the hospital from an extreme pain in my back that radiated to the front of my chest that hurt so bad I couldn't get in a full breath. I was hyperventilating, O2 was 100% , bp 150/100, ekg clear, ct clear (no broken ribs or aneurism or anything), bloodwork clear. I was given prescriptions for ibuprofen and muscle relaxers after given a clean bill of health. Not sure if its related, I'm just saying that being a veteran stoner for over 15 years, I've never had that happen while using the real stuff (which I have an abundance of top shelf bud now after taking a lil trip).

I don't trust this stuff.

OP, I feel like I can relate to some of what you're saying. On my reasons to live list (also have reasons to die), one of the reasons is not knowing who else would be there for my mom. Due to personal changes in the last few years, I've gotten much closer to my mom, probably the closet since my young childhood years.

Despite this, I also have chronic suicidal ideation. While I have thought through various methods, more than anything I just wish there was an option to just go to bed and never wake up. It's like I want to be able to die (sooner than later) to solve my problems without having to actively make the decision to die, and thereby feel bad about leaving my mom behind like that.

As of now, it seems like I've been using sleep as an escape but to still be there for my mom. I am on Ambien (to help me stay asleep, as opposed to falling asleep) and Hydroxyzine. An interesting thing about Ambien is it doesn't make me sleepy right away, but it can really bring out suicidal ideation to the forefront of my mind (unless I go to bed immediately after taking the Ambien).

I'm pretty much exactly the same except about the ambien, but I haven't had that in years so it might hit me the same way if I got on it now

 

[thecreepycanadian]

That's always been my reason, but I'm honestly starting to not care anymore. I know I'm upsetting them by being utterly depressed/dead inside. I think I'd be doing them a favour by ending my life.