Discussion The Snowball Effect

[StupidLizard]

I am sure everybody here has experienced this one time or another....

The snowball effect, as I like to call it. The phenomenon in which, seemingly, any event or occurance that could potentially result in a problem; often does. And these problems, usually minuscule in size, gradually build up behind one another, snowballing into one major conflict that leaves you feeling pessimistic and hopeless. Further, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and discourages me from trying anything that may make me feel better - as everything seems to end in shambles anyhow.

I've noticed in times like these, my depression is at its worst as well. I cannot help but feel as though there is a separate entity that purposely makes every possible scenario end poorly.

Does anybody else have similar experiences to share?

 

[anna-morphosis]

this is kind of how it's always been for me, both up and down. i get thrown really intensely in one or another emotional direction and push it to its absolute limit - i can pretty much only be dangerously manic or dangerously depressed, i don't really have an in between. i have a really heightened emotional sensitivity and a pretty extreme resistance to any form of routine, so anything that throws me off my current 'balance' (read: snowball) has a tendency to completely dislodge my life. i'm really bad at just mindlessly holding down some kind of underlying consistency that protects me from being blown about like this - i'm always on the verge of dropping everything, having my entire life come to a screeching halt, only to pick up again with an entirely new project of complete self-reinvention (which gets harder every time). an example of the effects of this can be seen in me starting and then leaving college three different times without ever making it more than a year or so.

ultimately this is pretty much always a feedback loop. i'll get affected really intensely by something, then have that impact my behavior generally, making me more vulnerable to picking up more signals in that direction, and so on and so on until i've hit the edge and i either completely collapse (if i'm up) or find some way to completely rebuild everything (if i'm down - though, at this point, i think i've given up on ever doing that again. i've done it too many times now, and it only ever gets harder).

i think an aspect of this pattern that maybe doesn't get talked about so much is that it really only works like this because whenever i do actually approach some kind of equilibrium, i find myself to be deeply, profoundly unhappy with it. 'is this really all life is?' so i either work overtime trying to push until somehow i magically synthesize the perfect ultramegasuper life worth living or i just accept that my anhedonia runs deep enough that no attempt at doing that will ever be satisfying or sustainable.