Edit: Maybe I am paranoid. I don't know. I had psychosis. I am really not sure. I sometimes interpret too much into things.
Is this actually a thing what I am describing? Two therapists also gave me up after I was fired and did not want to continue therapy sessions with me.
My therapist to that time told me literally. I have memorized that. "It would be better/easier for you to give up and let the things happen. (unemployment and she knew of my treatment resistant suicidality) and you are smart enough to know that. A clinic stay would probably be the best for you now." . She literally said that. Can this be interpreted in a wrong way? I asked her whether we could go on with therapy and she rejected that idea. My mom e-mailed her afterwards and my therapist denied having said that. I just had to find new forms of therapies. Well during this last session she also said to me that she considers other treatments in my case not promising. She had the weird idea I had some sort of autism which is probably factually wrong. I have bipolar and she simply agreed to my weird idea I cornered myself and concluded my depression would never end. And she simply agreed on that. Despite the fact my depression led to a thinking fallacy to that time. I thought my depression would never end. Which is pretty unlikely if you are bipolar. But she simply affirmed that.
For all the guests who are probably concerned that a mentally unstable person just spreads bullshit: I hope I have discredited myself so much so that noone will take the content of this thread serious anymore. Which was lowkey my goal because I am scared I might be simply too paranoid. I don't want to scare people away from reaching out. Either I had to do that for sleeping better tonight or I had to delete this thread. Lol.
Start of this thread:
This probably only applies to extremely hopeless cases like mine. I tried more than 25 medication, 5 clinic stays, (now my sixth) and 3 psychotherapies. The first ones (clinic stays) were good. However, since I was fired I am considered a hopeless case who is going to kill himself anyway.
I am currently in a clinic and more and more I get the feeling this was a bad choice. My friends told me to go to one. My decision was either suicide or clinic. My friends told me to be fully honest. Well I told like 20% of the truth. And the staff already distance themselves from me. The straw that broke the camals back was I assume that I told them I visit a suicide forum. I think me never able to hold a job contributed to that too. The irony is the clinic boss told me the last time I wanted to go there that I am feeling too good for being there. Honestly the psychiatry sucks for extremely hopeless cases like mine.
Honestly, this clinic makes me pretty depressed and suicidal. When I am at home I am feeling way better. The last 2 days at home were so much better than this clinic.
I am not sure what to do there now. It hurts a lot to see these people giving me up. I have not interacted with all of them so far. Some seem to be geniunely sad about my case. But there is one guy (a young doctor) who was very very unfriendly to me. He was really rude to me. I don't know whether that's his personality or whether he just hates me. I am not sure. When I came there I was in severe mental distress. And he treated me disrespectful when we were alone. I told him how bad I feel. And he just seemed to be annoyed by that and acted like stop complaining.
-> I tend to the fact his behavior was not intentional. But I am not sure. I had psychosis I might be too paranoid to tell
I feel kind of a guilty conscience to make such a bad advertisement in a forum full of suicidal and desperate people but these experiences actually break my heart. And I think I am close to crying now. I don't know whether I will have a mental breakdown there tomorrow. It is also forbidden officially to talk with other patients about suicide. Which we have done anyway. But only one time so far.
Therapy and medication have helped me so far. And increased my life quality a lot. But after all these useless attempts to get better therapists lost hope in me.
I cope past some passenges from another thread of mine.
I think some of the staff consider me a living dead. As someone who is going to kill himself anyway which hurts. Someone at college ghosted me because I was too open about my desperation. I have the feeling the rats are leaving the sinking ship.
In some way it is sad to see when people distance themselves from yourself. This really hurts me. However, I am used to such a behavior of clinic staff. The first times hurt way more because it came out of nowhere. Now I have experience how to deal with it. Tomorrow I might go to my self-help group. Honestly, I have the feeling they might throw me out of that group because I was too explicit about my suicidality in the past. My friends wanted that I open myself to other people. Well how that worked out. LMAO. They say suicidal people have to reach out. In my experience this is a very cynical joke. But I already learned that lesson after I was fired. I hope the journalists and anti-choice people read my story. This is what society offers you when you have nothing left. And I am living in fucknig Germany with a good health care system.
The idea with reaching out is such a fucking stupid lie if you know my story. I had to lie to my former therapist completely so that he was willing to have appointments with me. 2 Psychologists gave me up but no psychiatrist so far. I ask myself whether it is more difficult for psychiatrists to drop a patient. The psychiatrists are rather the pill pushers. I am not sure. Never was given up by one. so far.
You know who will never leave me: My closest friends and Sanctioned Suicide. Noone on Sanctioned Suicide ever said to anyone (I think): You feel either too good or too bad for being here. Both happened to me at different clinic stays. It is so fucking cyncial wanting to shut down the website where people like me disowned by therapists and given up by the psychiatry can flee to. Their last refuge.
Honestly the only reason going there now is dating. LMAO. And destroying Germany from within by ruining its health care system investing money in my hopeless case. God damn it. I am so so grateful to have Sanctioned Suicide. My friends would be way too overburdened with my very high need to express my suffering without this forum. What would be the other options? In the past without this forum I talked to an AI which just gave the same platitudes over and over. Call this hotline etc. Or I had to go to pro-life forums where I had to censor 95% of my thoughts, feel guilty for having them and be told to be grateful for this unbearable torture. Fuck you. (not the members or lurkers of this forum lol)
In general the people are only emotionally cold so far. Not much more. But it breaks my heart and it is not good for my mental health. I consider to leave the clinic soon. They treated me differently before I told them some details about my severe suicidality and completely hopeless situation.
Can anyone confirm that clinic staff treat cases like mine in a more cold way? However, others in this forum confirmed that therapists gave them up too.
Is this actually a thing what I am describing? Two therapists also gave me up after I was fired and did not want to continue therapy sessions with me.
My therapist to that time told me literally. I have memorized that. "It would be better/easier for you to give up and let the things happen. (unemployment and she knew of my treatment resistant suicidality) and you are smart enough to know that. A clinic stay would probably be the best for you now." . She literally said that. Can this be interpreted in a wrong way? I asked her whether we could go on with therapy and she rejected that idea. My mom e-mailed her afterwards and my therapist denied having said that. I just had to find new forms of therapies. Well during this last session she also said to me that she considers other treatments in my case not promising. She had the weird idea I had some sort of autism which is probably factually wrong. I have bipolar and she simply agreed to my weird idea I cornered myself and concluded my depression would never end. And she simply agreed on that. Despite the fact my depression led to a thinking fallacy to that time. I thought my depression would never end. Which is pretty unlikely if you are bipolar. But she simply affirmed that.
For all the guests who are probably concerned that a mentally unstable person just spreads bullshit: I hope I have discredited myself so much so that noone will take the content of this thread serious anymore. Which was lowkey my goal because I am scared I might be simply too paranoid. I don't want to scare people away from reaching out. Either I had to do that for sleeping better tonight or I had to delete this thread. Lol.
Start of this thread:
This probably only applies to extremely hopeless cases like mine. I tried more than 25 medication, 5 clinic stays, (now my sixth) and 3 psychotherapies. The first ones (clinic stays) were good. However, since I was fired I am considered a hopeless case who is going to kill himself anyway.
I am currently in a clinic and more and more I get the feeling this was a bad choice. My friends told me to go to one. My decision was either suicide or clinic. My friends told me to be fully honest. Well I told like 20% of the truth. And the staff already distance themselves from me. The straw that broke the camals back was I assume that I told them I visit a suicide forum. I think me never able to hold a job contributed to that too. The irony is the clinic boss told me the last time I wanted to go there that I am feeling too good for being there. Honestly the psychiatry sucks for extremely hopeless cases like mine.
Honestly, this clinic makes me pretty depressed and suicidal. When I am at home I am feeling way better. The last 2 days at home were so much better than this clinic.
I am not sure what to do there now. It hurts a lot to see these people giving me up. I have not interacted with all of them so far. Some seem to be geniunely sad about my case. But there is one guy (a young doctor) who was very very unfriendly to me. He was really rude to me. I don't know whether that's his personality or whether he just hates me. I am not sure. When I came there I was in severe mental distress. And he treated me disrespectful when we were alone. I told him how bad I feel. And he just seemed to be annoyed by that and acted like stop complaining.
-> I tend to the fact his behavior was not intentional. But I am not sure. I had psychosis I might be too paranoid to tell
I feel kind of a guilty conscience to make such a bad advertisement in a forum full of suicidal and desperate people but these experiences actually break my heart. And I think I am close to crying now. I don't know whether I will have a mental breakdown there tomorrow. It is also forbidden officially to talk with other patients about suicide. Which we have done anyway. But only one time so far.
Therapy and medication have helped me so far. And increased my life quality a lot. But after all these useless attempts to get better therapists lost hope in me.
I cope past some passenges from another thread of mine.
I think some of the staff consider me a living dead. As someone who is going to kill himself anyway which hurts. Someone at college ghosted me because I was too open about my desperation. I have the feeling the rats are leaving the sinking ship.
In some way it is sad to see when people distance themselves from yourself. This really hurts me. However, I am used to such a behavior of clinic staff. The first times hurt way more because it came out of nowhere. Now I have experience how to deal with it. Tomorrow I might go to my self-help group. Honestly, I have the feeling they might throw me out of that group because I was too explicit about my suicidality in the past. My friends wanted that I open myself to other people. Well how that worked out. LMAO. They say suicidal people have to reach out. In my experience this is a very cynical joke. But I already learned that lesson after I was fired. I hope the journalists and anti-choice people read my story. This is what society offers you when you have nothing left. And I am living in fucknig Germany with a good health care system.
The idea with reaching out is such a fucking stupid lie if you know my story. I had to lie to my former therapist completely so that he was willing to have appointments with me. 2 Psychologists gave me up but no psychiatrist so far. I ask myself whether it is more difficult for psychiatrists to drop a patient. The psychiatrists are rather the pill pushers. I am not sure. Never was given up by one. so far.
You know who will never leave me: My closest friends and Sanctioned Suicide. Noone on Sanctioned Suicide ever said to anyone (I think): You feel either too good or too bad for being here. Both happened to me at different clinic stays. It is so fucking cyncial wanting to shut down the website where people like me disowned by therapists and given up by the psychiatry can flee to. Their last refuge.
Honestly the only reason going there now is dating. LMAO. And destroying Germany from within by ruining its health care system investing money in my hopeless case. God damn it. I am so so grateful to have Sanctioned Suicide. My friends would be way too overburdened with my very high need to express my suffering without this forum. What would be the other options? In the past without this forum I talked to an AI which just gave the same platitudes over and over. Call this hotline etc. Or I had to go to pro-life forums where I had to censor 95% of my thoughts, feel guilty for having them and be told to be grateful for this unbearable torture. Fuck you. (not the members or lurkers of this forum lol)
In general the people are only emotionally cold so far. Not much more. But it breaks my heart and it is not good for my mental health. I consider to leave the clinic soon. They treated me differently before I told them some details about my severe suicidality and completely hopeless situation.
Can anyone confirm that clinic staff treat cases like mine in a more cold way? However, others in this forum confirmed that therapists gave them up too.
Last edited:
