HenryHenriksen_6E
Member
- Oct 19, 2024
- 77
Recently, I had something determine if I would continue living or die - call it a bet, or perhaps a coinflip. Either way, I lost, or won depending on how you view death, so now I'm here, a few days in, knowing the months I have left are in the single digits. To be more specific: I'll be going in march. The reason I decided to leave my future to fate, was to help me decide. I've been so tired of balancing between: "I can do this" and "I'm so done." Therefore, I needed an external factor: the US election of all things.
Also: fuck the US election! (Though, I'll admit it was exciting to have my life on the line, as deragned as that sounds.)
Anyway, it's been a few days since I got the news that my story will come to close within the next couple of months. It's odd to think about, especially when I can just go ahead and begin all my necessary preperations. Now I have to write a simple bucket list of dumb shit to do, a suicide note, so people know my reasons, scout out a nice spot in my local forest, learn my method, and create a step by step guide on the entire process.
Now that I can finally get to the point: All this simply won't sink in.
Tbh the last few days haven't even felt real. It's like I'm on autopilot or simply in utter disbelief. Everything is so much more normal than I expected. The world simply kept spinning. I go about my day, behave like normal, do my projects, and feel happy(?). It's so peculiar that once I've decided to finally throw the towel, I suddenly feel decent. Maybe it's because I have an end goal that is right around the corner, so there's a way out, however I'm wondering if this contentment will prevent me from ever getting ready to end my life, once again sending me in this loop of "I should die?" "I should live?"
I just feel like the gravity of my circumstances haven't set in yet, which is annoying, because I like knowing what I'm doing. Is this normal? I know being suicidal only a default component of a lot of people's lives here, so it probably seems normal, but I think I should at least feel something when my time is running out this fast.
Also: fuck the US election! (Though, I'll admit it was exciting to have my life on the line, as deragned as that sounds.)
Anyway, it's been a few days since I got the news that my story will come to close within the next couple of months. It's odd to think about, especially when I can just go ahead and begin all my necessary preperations. Now I have to write a simple bucket list of dumb shit to do, a suicide note, so people know my reasons, scout out a nice spot in my local forest, learn my method, and create a step by step guide on the entire process.
Now that I can finally get to the point: All this simply won't sink in.
Tbh the last few days haven't even felt real. It's like I'm on autopilot or simply in utter disbelief. Everything is so much more normal than I expected. The world simply kept spinning. I go about my day, behave like normal, do my projects, and feel happy(?). It's so peculiar that once I've decided to finally throw the towel, I suddenly feel decent. Maybe it's because I have an end goal that is right around the corner, so there's a way out, however I'm wondering if this contentment will prevent me from ever getting ready to end my life, once again sending me in this loop of "I should die?" "I should live?"
I just feel like the gravity of my circumstances haven't set in yet, which is annoying, because I like knowing what I'm doing. Is this normal? I know being suicidal only a default component of a lot of people's lives here, so it probably seems normal, but I think I should at least feel something when my time is running out this fast.