YukiFox
Pastel demon
- Dec 8, 2018
- 320
My heart is divided in two ways of thinking:
- One half fights for a hope for recovery in all ways possible. Living freely as a transgender woman, having a job, writing my fantasy / sci-fi novels, and even finding a partner to live together. That Agatha meditates, believes in the power of nature and the Gods to heal and get healed and want to become a druid or priestess to help spiritual and emotionally other people.
For the other half, there's a nihilist Agatha. She thinks that life are meaningless, so we must enjoy them until the apocalypse occur or our existence become unbearable for any reason (s) . She think that suicide is her destiny, at short or long term.
The two foxes inside me fights each other. The death fox has the strategy to attack my mood in a massive amount of overthinking. And the only reason that I don't proceed to CTB are my dreams to fight for them.
I can't imagine another way of passing away.
Community, don't take me as a pussy. When I had my first attempt I was thinking that I was trying to kill the masculine self, and since I regret that attempt I started to accept myself as a trans. I'm enthusiastic about complete my social and medical transition, but the death fox still barf inside me. Since I'm a pagan, I started to thinking if there's a spirit / demon assigned to me for the only objective of take total control of my mind and descend to the path of madness and ctb sooner or later.
Even if I decide to CTB again I don't judge me nor fear the outworld. But I'm in divided paths that I shut up with overworking or alcohol. Recently I started to take more care of myself, and the other fox reclaim their territory.
My faith in multiple paths if spirituality - mostly Buddhist and Wiccan principles and practices - retain my conscious side of mind. When I had serious death thoughts I feel like a substance rush. Even to myself I talked as death as my drug, but still don't take the overdose of them.
call me paranoid. Call me delusional because my personality. I wish I can start therapy the next year (specially for my gender transition) but I fear this metaphor of the two foxes becomes the excuse of a cruelty psychiatrist to took away all I had (job, friends, etc ) and have a ward reclusion. That's why I venting in forums like this, because I think that, as community, don't judge or blame each other, but support and understand any case.
Every venting is legit. I know that there's some friends with more difficult circumstances. But is a mistery to us why, even in the most improbable scenario, we still losing faith in living. And that's what happening in me.
- One half fights for a hope for recovery in all ways possible. Living freely as a transgender woman, having a job, writing my fantasy / sci-fi novels, and even finding a partner to live together. That Agatha meditates, believes in the power of nature and the Gods to heal and get healed and want to become a druid or priestess to help spiritual and emotionally other people.
For the other half, there's a nihilist Agatha. She thinks that life are meaningless, so we must enjoy them until the apocalypse occur or our existence become unbearable for any reason (s) . She think that suicide is her destiny, at short or long term.
The two foxes inside me fights each other. The death fox has the strategy to attack my mood in a massive amount of overthinking. And the only reason that I don't proceed to CTB are my dreams to fight for them.
I can't imagine another way of passing away.
Community, don't take me as a pussy. When I had my first attempt I was thinking that I was trying to kill the masculine self, and since I regret that attempt I started to accept myself as a trans. I'm enthusiastic about complete my social and medical transition, but the death fox still barf inside me. Since I'm a pagan, I started to thinking if there's a spirit / demon assigned to me for the only objective of take total control of my mind and descend to the path of madness and ctb sooner or later.
Even if I decide to CTB again I don't judge me nor fear the outworld. But I'm in divided paths that I shut up with overworking or alcohol. Recently I started to take more care of myself, and the other fox reclaim their territory.
My faith in multiple paths if spirituality - mostly Buddhist and Wiccan principles and practices - retain my conscious side of mind. When I had serious death thoughts I feel like a substance rush. Even to myself I talked as death as my drug, but still don't take the overdose of them.
call me paranoid. Call me delusional because my personality. I wish I can start therapy the next year (specially for my gender transition) but I fear this metaphor of the two foxes becomes the excuse of a cruelty psychiatrist to took away all I had (job, friends, etc ) and have a ward reclusion. That's why I venting in forums like this, because I think that, as community, don't judge or blame each other, but support and understand any case.
Every venting is legit. I know that there's some friends with more difficult circumstances. But is a mistery to us why, even in the most improbable scenario, we still losing faith in living. And that's what happening in me.
