I've been suicidal since 2016. Have tried hanging myself and almost got there but my parents "saved" me and life got shittier for at least an year. It was terrible, my father lost his job cause he wouldn't work to stay at home with me and that would later lead to us being evicted from our house.
Time passed an I got better, at least in the sense that suicide was always lingering on my mind but it was fairly easy to distract myself from thinking about it.
Approaching 2020 I remember telling a friend that I felt lonely and she suggested me to use Tinder. Something I think is worth mentioning is that I don't have the best self steem, I don't hate myself, just can't really see how anyone would look at me and think "nice". But okay, I downloaded the app and started using it with no expectations. Some months after I started really getting along with a girl just a year younger. I was 21 and she was 20. She was kind, funny and talking to her was really comforting and at all times all I just wanted was to be with her.
That girl would become my girlfriend, not my first one, but the one that truly made me happy. She came from another city and was only living there to attend college. We became really close and started dating and for the first time in years I was genuinelly happy. I'd always tell her that she made me the happiest man alive. I'd do anything for her. Bought her presents, always tried my best to ensure she was happy too and anything she wanted I'd do without any questions. She was my everything.
We started getting our drivers' license together and since I was only applying to drive cars and she'd applying for both cars and motorcycles I finished before her. Got my license and bought a car and for a whole month went to live with her to take her to the motorcycle classes. When she got her license i bought her a motorcycle. It was not the best one, but she loved it.
At april this year we started living together and it all seemed perfect. Until like a month ago when I started feeling her getting distant, like she wasn't there with me some times. I'd ask if there was something bothering her but she always said it was ok. I thought that maybe it was her job getting her stressed out. And then, last tuesday breakfast she started crying and asked me for a break. Told me that it was better this way and that I deserved someone who would love me the same way I loved her and that she wasn't sure if she ever loved me with the same intensity.
At first I sat there without any reaction, I just couldn't believe in what was happening. We talked a little and she went to work. After a while I snapped and started screaming and crying. It was like my whole world just felt appart and all those suicidal feelings came back crashing though my mind. But it was just the beggining and it would only get worse.
She had a diary. I never even got close to that, it was her privacy and I respected it. But at that moment I couldn't resist. It was all there. End of june and she met a guy. As I read her descriptions of his looks and how comforting was his company my heart felt like being shot. She wrote about only thinking about him and at that moment it all made sense to me, the reason I felt her so distant. There was a day she told me she'd go out with a girl friend of hers to eat ice cream. In the diary she revealed it was a lie, she went out with the guy instead.
In the last weekend (16-17 of july) we went to her home city to spend some time with her parents and it was wonderful. We drove back to our apartment at july, 17 and she told me that once we got home she'd go out with a friend. I'm not the jealous kind and always trusted her so for me it was just okay.
It was weird that day. Coming back home we were all happy and after she came back from hanging out with her friend she seemed distant again. More than ever.
The friend was the guy she met. Last entry on the diary was her telling how nothing happened between them that night but also how she wanted to kiss him endlessly. Finally she wrote about being sincere and break up with me and how she wasn't sure if she ever loved me the same way I loved her.
And here I am now. Moved out of her apartment on wednesday back to my parents house. Didn't told her anything about the diary. I just want to die but can't build up the courage to do it. Surviving the hanging in 2016 has left me traumatized and I can't try partial. As soon as I feel like losing consciousness I panic and pussy out. Planning on carrying though full suspension this week since there is no way to go back after kicking the stool.
And that's my story. I don't want advices on how to cope and live my life though the pain. My parents are already giving those to me every single moment. I just wanna die. But I'll be gladly taking any advice on hanging. That time I want it to work. Cease to exist and then there will be no more suffering.
PS: Sorry for any grammar errors. English isn't my native language and I'm currently writing this under the effect of some strong medicine my parents gave me to calm down.
Time passed an I got better, at least in the sense that suicide was always lingering on my mind but it was fairly easy to distract myself from thinking about it.
Approaching 2020 I remember telling a friend that I felt lonely and she suggested me to use Tinder. Something I think is worth mentioning is that I don't have the best self steem, I don't hate myself, just can't really see how anyone would look at me and think "nice". But okay, I downloaded the app and started using it with no expectations. Some months after I started really getting along with a girl just a year younger. I was 21 and she was 20. She was kind, funny and talking to her was really comforting and at all times all I just wanted was to be with her.
That girl would become my girlfriend, not my first one, but the one that truly made me happy. She came from another city and was only living there to attend college. We became really close and started dating and for the first time in years I was genuinelly happy. I'd always tell her that she made me the happiest man alive. I'd do anything for her. Bought her presents, always tried my best to ensure she was happy too and anything she wanted I'd do without any questions. She was my everything.
We started getting our drivers' license together and since I was only applying to drive cars and she'd applying for both cars and motorcycles I finished before her. Got my license and bought a car and for a whole month went to live with her to take her to the motorcycle classes. When she got her license i bought her a motorcycle. It was not the best one, but she loved it.
At april this year we started living together and it all seemed perfect. Until like a month ago when I started feeling her getting distant, like she wasn't there with me some times. I'd ask if there was something bothering her but she always said it was ok. I thought that maybe it was her job getting her stressed out. And then, last tuesday breakfast she started crying and asked me for a break. Told me that it was better this way and that I deserved someone who would love me the same way I loved her and that she wasn't sure if she ever loved me with the same intensity.
At first I sat there without any reaction, I just couldn't believe in what was happening. We talked a little and she went to work. After a while I snapped and started screaming and crying. It was like my whole world just felt appart and all those suicidal feelings came back crashing though my mind. But it was just the beggining and it would only get worse.
She had a diary. I never even got close to that, it was her privacy and I respected it. But at that moment I couldn't resist. It was all there. End of june and she met a guy. As I read her descriptions of his looks and how comforting was his company my heart felt like being shot. She wrote about only thinking about him and at that moment it all made sense to me, the reason I felt her so distant. There was a day she told me she'd go out with a girl friend of hers to eat ice cream. In the diary she revealed it was a lie, she went out with the guy instead.
In the last weekend (16-17 of july) we went to her home city to spend some time with her parents and it was wonderful. We drove back to our apartment at july, 17 and she told me that once we got home she'd go out with a friend. I'm not the jealous kind and always trusted her so for me it was just okay.
It was weird that day. Coming back home we were all happy and after she came back from hanging out with her friend she seemed distant again. More than ever.
The friend was the guy she met. Last entry on the diary was her telling how nothing happened between them that night but also how she wanted to kiss him endlessly. Finally she wrote about being sincere and break up with me and how she wasn't sure if she ever loved me the same way I loved her.
And here I am now. Moved out of her apartment on wednesday back to my parents house. Didn't told her anything about the diary. I just want to die but can't build up the courage to do it. Surviving the hanging in 2016 has left me traumatized and I can't try partial. As soon as I feel like losing consciousness I panic and pussy out. Planning on carrying though full suspension this week since there is no way to go back after kicking the stool.
And that's my story. I don't want advices on how to cope and live my life though the pain. My parents are already giving those to me every single moment. I just wanna die. But I'll be gladly taking any advice on hanging. That time I want it to work. Cease to exist and then there will be no more suffering.
PS: Sorry for any grammar errors. English isn't my native language and I'm currently writing this under the effect of some strong medicine my parents gave me to calm down.
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