Story The unfortunate event of being alive

[AnxietyHangover]

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[FuneralCry]

It really is such a cruel existence and it sounds like you have been through a lot. Your feelings about wanting to leave this world are understandable. I know that it can be so dreadful having to endure life when you don't want to be here. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering. Best wishes.

 

[Lost Magic]

Salute to you too. I am sorry life has brought you to this point. I understand your pain.

 

[Wilting Daisy]

When I was younger I was able to manage this social problem better, but as I'm aging and approaching my 30s, it's only getting worse mentally speaking.

I've dealt with resignations, and issues finding a new job.
I started having terrible anxiety attacks, I remember my first resignation, I felt like I was going to collapse. All my dreams of getting better ended up the other way around. I thought about changing my ways, but it never paid off, and I am so antisocial and introverted that I feel like I don't want to deal with people anymore.

I have no personal satisfactions. Only grim thoughts. 5 minutes of joy, and 5 days of sadness.

Making friends as an adult is hard. Anyone who says otherwise is probably selling something.

I relate to having issues holding down a job. I'm quite sensitive and struggle with emotional regulation. It makes me so vulnerable to what others say and do. I hold myself a little celebration if I can make it to the 6 month mark of any job because I let people get in my head and eat me alive. I'm always asking my supervisors how to get a tougher skin. They tell me it's all about learning what to let roll off your back and what's actually worth your time and concern.

What brings you those 5 minutes of joy?

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Making friends as an adult is hard. Anyone who says otherwise is probably selling something.

I relate to having issues holding down a job. I'm quite sensitive and struggle with emotional regulation. It makes me so vulnerable to what others say and do. I hold myself a little celebration if I can make it to the 6 month mark of any job because I let people get in my head and eat me alive. I'm always asking my supervisors how to get a tougher skin. They tell me it's all about learning what to let roll off your back and what's actually worth your time and concern.

What brings you those 5 minutes of joy?

When I happen to be happy, it's because of the small things. I am a simple person. I don't like fancy, extravagant things. It's been a while since I've been able to enjoy something to the fullest. My happiness is cut short all the time. It's all in my head. I've had moments recently where I started shedding tears. It hasn't happened to me before. I used to believe that I am a strong person. Probably not anymore. I had problems with my first jobs. I was treated poorly and taken advantage of. The irony is that right now I have a good job where I am appreciated, but for some reason I can't be happy about it, I feel like happiness is a feeling that started to evade me. I stopped looking forward to things. I hate existence. Nobody asked me if I want to be born or live. If there was a button to renounce life I wouldn't press it, I would smash my fist against it. I feel lost, and there's nobody I can tell how I feel. Nobody around me understands. And, in a way, they make me feel bad about it.

It really is such a cruel existence and it sounds like you have been through a lot. Your feelings about wanting to leave this world are understandable. I know that it can be so dreadful having to endure life when you don't want to be here. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering. Best wishes.

I feel empty. I feel like even if the issues I have would miraculously be solved I still wouldn't be able to enjoy life. I feel like I've gone past a certain point that nothing would make me feel better. I'm living out of inertia right now. I wonder how long it will last me.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Since my last post I've been thinking everyday about what seems to be the inevitable. I feel so empty. I've lost my love for everything. Even my parents' caress stopped helping. I've never felt so lost. Life is truly unbearable right now. Even the warmth of the sun feels colder now. I tried to change my mind but ended up being more inclined to do the unspeakable. I am afraid doing the thing has a good chance of giving my mother a heart attack. But i can't go on like this. My mental disorders have consumed me to the point where if i had the means to end it all i would end it right now. Never struggled so hard in my life, and with each passing day it feels even harder. Troubles started piling up on me. Why can't I have it easy at least once in my life?

 

[freedompass]

When I happen to be happy, it's because of the small things. I am a simple person. I don't like fancy, extravagant things. It's been a while since I've been able to enjoy something to the fullest. My happiness is cut short all the time. It's all in my head. I've had moments recently where I started shedding tears. It hasn't happened to me before. I used to believe that I am a strong person. Probably not anymore. I had problems with my first jobs. I was treated poorly and taken advantage of. The irony is that right now I have a good job where I am appreciated, but for some reason I can't be happy about it, I feel like happiness is a feeling that started to evade me. I stopped looking forward to things. I hate existence. Nobody asked me if I want to be born or live. If there was a button to renounce life I wouldn't press it, I would smash my fist against it. I feel lost, and there's nobody I can tell how I feel. Nobody around me understands. And, in a way, they make me feel bad about it.

I feel empty. I feel like even if the issues I have would miraculously be solved I still wouldn't be able to enjoy life. I feel like I've gone past a certain point that nothing would make me feel better. I'm living out of inertia right now. I wonder how long it will last me.

Can't tell you how much I relate to everything you've written. Kills me how people generally seem to make this massive assumption that life is fucking great lol. That because our goddamn parents decided to fuck one night dragging us out of non existence in the process, that means we want to be here or have any investment in living whatsoever? It kills us because there is zero acknowledgement of how we actually feel, it's gotta be the loneliest feeling in the world. Essentially gagged by the taboo around suicide there is nothing left for us but to simulate a person while essentially a zombie inside, I swear I am actually fucking dead at this point!

Since my last post I've been thinking everyday about what seems to be the inevitable. I feel so empty. I've lost my love for everything. Even my parents' caress stopped helping. I've never felt so lost. Life is truly unbearable right now. Even the warmth of the sun feels colder now. I tried to change my mind but ended up being more inclined to do the unspeakable. I am afraid doing the thing has a good chance of giving my mother a heart attack. But i can't go on like this. My mental disorders have consumed me to the point where if i had the means to end it all i would end it right now. Never struggled so hard in my life, and with each passing day it feels even harder. Troubles started piling up on me. Why can't I have it easy at least once in my life?

You really do express it so well but honestly I hate that you and so many others suffer like this…no one will ever convince me that there is any value in suffering whatsoever…battling adversity may be good but suffering just eats the soul until we're reduced to a husk. And you know what convinces me more than anything that this life is evil? We grew from the spontaneous, curious innocence and trust of early childhood…to this

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Can't tell you how much I relate to everything you've written. Kills me how people generally seem to make this massive assumption that life is fucking great lol. That because our goddamn parents decided to fuck one night dragging us out of non existence in the process, that means we want to be here or have any investment in living whatsoever? It kills us because there is zero acknowledgement of how we actually feel, it's gotta be the loneliest feeling in the world. Essentially gagged by the taboo around suicide there is nothing left for us but to simulate a person while essentially a zombie inside, I swear I am actually fucking dead at this point!

You are speaking the truth. Suddenly if you have a job, what to eat and where to sleep life should be great. It isn't. This lonely feeling degraded my mental health to the point where I would do it right now if i had the means in front of me. I've never felt so infuriated by life. I've dreamt of a peaceful, complete life where there wouldn't be loneliness and pain. That seems so far away and I'm so torn and beaten inside that even if these things happened i wouldn't even smile.
And another frustration I have with this life that got me to this state is that I've never encountered a person outside of my family to call friend. I remember being a kid and wanting to have a sincere friendship with someone only to get betrayed and mocked left and right.

I also wished for a loyal partner to spend the rest of my life with. I have so much love and warmth and sincerity to give but there is nobody for me. I feel like I'm too wasted to feel anything at all. I've become cold. A shell of what i once was. I'm not even 30 and i feel so drained of life and the willingness to do anything that i don't even know why I'm still breathing. I hate this world. It crushed my soul to pieces.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I wanted to give myself a chance but I ended up even more miserable. I reached the point of no return. I made my mind that I will order the SN next month. Basically, I have 2-3 months left to live. Having a release date feels refreshing. If I fail in acquiring the SN I'll just hang myself. So fucking annoyed that N is so hard to get. Why can't we have peace when we reach this sad conclusion of our lives?

 

[outrider567]

When I happen to be happy, it's because of the small things. I am a simple person. I don't like fancy, extravagant things. It's been a while since I've been able to enjoy something to the fullest. My happiness is cut short all the time. It's all in my head. I've had moments recently where I started shedding tears. It hasn't happened to me before. I used to believe that I am a strong person. Probably not anymore. I had problems with my first jobs. I was treated poorly and taken advantage of. The irony is that right now I have a good job where I am appreciated, but for some reason I can't be happy about it, I feel like happiness is a feeling that started to evade me. I stopped looking forward to things. I hate existence. Nobody asked me if I want to be born or live. If there was a button to renounce life I wouldn't press it, I would smash my fist against it. I feel lost, and there's nobody I can tell how I feel. Nobody around me understands. And, in a way, they make me feel bad about it.

I feel empty. I feel like even if the issues I have would miraculously be solved I still wouldn't be able to enjoy life. I feel like I've gone past a certain point that nothing would make me feel better. I'm living out of inertia right now. I wonder how long it will last me.

'I feel empty, nothing would make feel better' yes the same--Its a sunny windy pretty day here, but its still depressingly dark inside my brain

 

[Nightbird]

Your story resonates so deeply with me. You describe experienced and feelings in ways that I have described my own - even with the same words! I have no idea how to make friendships with parity — not the one-way, score-keeping ties that mimic those I have with my parents & sibling, and which make me feel like a servant and a dumping ground — so I don't bother anymore. Loneliness is brutal.

 

[theboy]

I identified with your story

 

[hopelessgirl]

I read it all. One question, why can't you move back to where your family lives? My brother moved in with me. Changed my life

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I read it all. One question, why can't you move back to where your family lives? My brother moved in with me. Changed my life

Because this is where I work. I would have to quit my job which would ravage me even harder. I worked hard to get employed again, waited for one year, one year of desperation.

 

[makethepainstop]

I salute you, fellow broken people,


It's interesting that I was able to find this place. After reading some posts I know I can relate to most of you here.
I've been dealing with personal struggles since I was a little kid in kindergarten. Nobody liked me, dealt with an abusive teacher that incited the other kids to abuse me, you could say that it's been rough since day one. I've always been a loner, never really enjoyed the company of others. I've been disappointed with this world for as far as I can remember. I was blessed with a good mother and a good father, but arguments never ceased to exist in our family because of external sources. I remember my middle school self once said: "How long am I going to be the referee of this shitshow?". I had hopes that meeting new people through school and other places will finally lead to better experiences but it turns out I was horribly wrong. I never encountered a person that I could call friend. Never. When I was younger I was able to manage this social problem better, but as I'm aging and approaching my 30s, it's only getting worse mentally speaking. In highschool I was speaking to like 3 people, but nothing close, only speaking, so I wouldn't stay mute all day. I felt very isolated. To add insult to injury, after I finished my studies I needed to move to a different city, all by myself. Once again I hoped for a better time, and yet again I was burned. Not only burned, but now a new issue arrived: total loneliness. This complete loneliness really degraded my mental health to the point where I had months where I was contemplating and researching ctb methods almost daily. I felt my sanity going away bit by bit. I have a depression history in my family. As you would guess it didn't help my situation. I've dealt with resignations, and issues finding a new job. Again these really eroded my mental health further. These past two years I feel like I reached my absolute lowest point in life. My family is far away, and I'm all by myself, just following this robotic routine of going to work and coming back home to sleep. Nothing more than that. I feel like there's nothing worth to live for. I started having terrible anxiety attacks, I remember my first resignation, I felt like I was going to collapse. All my dreams of getting better ended up the other way around. I thought about changing my ways, but it never paid off, and I am so antisocial and introverted that I feel like I don't want to deal with people anymore. I've grown to hate people. I've done so much good stuff for people expecting nothing in return, and all I ever received back was grief. This past year I think I discovered another mental issue that I might have. For example, yesterday, in the span of an hour I felt extremely sad, then happy, then sad again, and it isn't the first time it happens. There's a storm in my head. I feel like I'm on the edge, and I decided to end it all this year. I can't imagine spending another year of living with these struggles. I feel sorry for my family for when it happens, but I have to think about myself at least once in my life. They are the only reason for staying alive all of these years. If it wasn't for them, as shaky as our family mood is, I wouldn't have been alive to tell this story. But with them far away, I feel like I don't want to fight this battle. I have no personal satisfactions. Only grim thoughts. 5 minutes of joy, and 5 days of sadness. I don't want to seek help, I don't need anybody's help. I will help myself when the time is right, and it will be soon enough.

If you've read this through, thank you.

OF course, I read it through! I wish I was with you and could hug you for about five minutes and talk to you. I do know how you suffered, got a lots of the same in my life!

 

[again_noidea]

I salute you, fellow broken people,

I salute back to you!

Solitude can be horrible. Loneliness is detrimental to the well-being, for most people.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Your story resonates so deeply with me. You describe experienced and feelings in ways that I have described my own - even with the same words! I have no idea how to make friendships with parity — not the one-way, score-keeping ties that mimic those I have with my parents & sibling, and which make me feel like a servant and a dumping ground — so I don't bother anymore. Loneliness is brutal.

My life is marked by this kind of "friendships". Basically, while I was in uni and these people needed my help to pass their exams, I was kind of good for them. After we finished uni they forgot that I exist. I moved on, but I will never forget this. People care about you as long as you provide for them. When there is no use, they simply forget you exist.

OF course, I read it through! I wish I was with you and could hug you for about five minutes and talk to you. I do know how you suffered, got a lots of the same in my life!

Truth is nobody apart from my family ever hugged me. I don't know how it feels like to be hugged by a stranger or someone who is not your relative.

I salute back to you!

Solitude can be horrible. Loneliness is detrimental to the well-being, for most people.

As days pass by I feel the consequences harder and harder. Loneliness is a punishment for me, but at the same time I've grown to dislike people. I live in this contradiction where I hate people, but I hate loneliness as well.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Alright, so it's been a while since my last visit here. Met someone, even had the first date, we've been chatting a lot, but I still can't find peace within myself. It all seems good, and things seem to progress well, but there is always this fear that I will screw up or that one day she'd have enough of me. I told her about my issues and the way I am, and she is supportive, but I always fear that I will do something wrong, I always tell her this and she keeps responding positively, but I don't know, there is just something that consumes me. I always tell her sorry if I am not behaving as I should or if I am sending too many messages, or if I talk way too much when we meet, and she always says there is no problem, but I feel like something is wrong... I can't find happiness even with this one thing I thought would solve my issues. I still feel suicidal and I'm still picturing in my head how I am taking the poison and dying, I see this picture so often that I don't feel anything at all. I still want to carry on with my plan even when there seems to be positive things happening in my life. Is this the moment when I realize I am truly lost?

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I assembled the list, I have a reliable source for everything. I wanted to buy the stuff this month but for some reason I didn't, I don't know what was in my mind. Soon I will be free, I am past my expiration date anyway. Recently I started having hallucinations, hearing things, maybe it's a sign that I should get this over with. Right now out of cash, but, after the next salary arrives, I'll buy everything and just be done with it.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

She told me to be more detached, which I can't do since I'm not like that, I can't be like that, it would be against my spirit, against my being. I can change in many ways, but that would mean becoming someone else. And thankfully I am not 15 anymore, I know what those words truly mean. We had a conversation which really torn me inside, and she basically gave up on me. Now, more than ever I am decided to ctb, and life once again showed me that I can't achieve happiness and every time I try and open up, I end up hurt and even more miserable. I think today I will visit some hardware store and buy a rope, since I feel like I can't drag this out any longer, I will lose my mind completely and do something stupid like jumping in front of a car.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

After some digging around, I managed to find a good source in Europe, and I ordered the SN. I think everything should go smooth, and I should have it in the next few days. I have one more promise to fulfill on Nov 19th, and a possible ctb day can be Nov 20th, a week from now on. We'll see until then but it's a good possibility it will happen. Pressing the order button was a bit of a test but I managed to do it. Right after the order I felt a bit weird, like nails would go through my veins, but after that I actually felt easy and breathing air suddenly became more satisfying. I don't know, it starts to feel like I only keep telling lies to myself regarding the "getting better" and "trying again" thing. It feels like deceiving myself. Maybe I'll wait by till late December, who knows, depends on the impulse I'm getting next weekend, on how I feel. The ultimatum is late December so we will see, I will go all in on my quest to overcome loneliness so I can say I tried. If not, I'll happily do the deed and leave this broken world behind.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Today I picked up the SN. Going to the postal office felt good, I wasn't scared or anxious or anything. The source turned out to be good and I got an amazing price compared to what those pigs from IC are asking for two spoons of SN. A great person from this forum gave me this source for which I'm extremely grateful, may God bless their soul. I only need the meto now, which I think I'll get tomorrow since I think I know where to get it. It feels real now. And it feels like one foot is already in the grave.