Story The War Inside Me Rages On.

[Life_and_Death]

(all questions are rhetorical, do not answer)

There's some times when they're battling. This is when I am happy but feel it is still best. There are times when one side wins. This is when I'm ready to go. I don't think the other side has won yet. They've come close. I've been able to space on it for a few minutes, but then it all comes rushing back.

I need a bigger army. a stronger army. but is there a point? I'll die one day anyway. Yes, but in the meantime there is so much to enjoy. Meanwhile sitting here just waiting to drown, burn, crash, choke, suffocate, get a deadly disease. Yeah, sounds fun.

I want to enjoy life. I want to live. But going through life seems scary and....wrong....out of place. not living itself just a sense of 'I don't belong here', I don't fit in, anywhere, with anyone. And it's not even that. i feel....i have no words for this feeling. only ones that come close

 

[timf]

I know you asked people not to answer questions, but I have an observation. It may not apply to you or your situation, but you might see some value in it.

On the path through life some take a detour (not always by choice). There can be many reasons for someone to reach a point of isolation, disconnection, or simply solitude. This state can leave one with little stimulation from others. This can create a situation where one can be tempted to provide self-stimulation. Ideas, perspectives, and imaginations can be used for the effect they produce.

In the theater there is a phrase "getting lost in the part". This describes someone who while pretending something (acting a part) comes to think that it is real and can end up in trouble because they have lost a foundation from which to make good decisions.

Getting lost in imaginations can have two negative effects. The first is that ones real life can suffer from inattention. The second is that things that are not real can grow to have a life of their own and leads us in increasingly dangerous directions. Fore example, there have been college students who attempt suicide because as a result of a philosophy class they have come to conclude that they can';t prove they exist.

When one romanticizes or idealizes their circumstances it can grow in their minds to mythic proportions. These then can then build a momentum such that the person who created them becomes carried away by them.

If one finds that they are propelled in a direction not of their choosing, it may be because of something they created that has gotten out of control. To try to regain control would require small doses of reality intentionally chosen for the difficulty it represents and the sense of control it can restore.

As I said, I do not know if this would have any value for you in your situation, and if not, then hopefully it is an interesting observation anyway.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I know you asked people not to answer questions, but I have an observation

I only said that to dissuade anyone from giving a stupid answer.

May I ask where you observed this? I wouldn't be surprised if what you said is true considering I question what I do for myself vs others, among other questions like that. But what I wrote here has nothing to do with that part of me. It was about how I'm fighting to survive and die.

 

[timf]

My observations come from having lived in many places and observed man things. I also worked on a crisis hotline for several years in the 70s and 80s.

It can be difficult at first to see a common thread between things that seem as different as a woman living a solitary life in an apartment reading romance novels and a teenage boy who thinks he is going to be a rock star. However, when dreams turn into a substitute for real life, there is a danger of following a path of imagination while real life deteriorates.

This is a very common phenomena and seems to be increasing. Contributing to this increase are social forces that seem to break apart families, isolate people, and promote self-indulgences that weaken relationships.

Just as it can be tempting to turn to alcohol or drugs to numb to pain of a difficult life, it can also be tempting to allow one's imagination to carry one into realms where real life in neglected. Many people (even if not dealing with this particular problem themselves) are unaware of the process even when it happens to someone they care about.

A glimpse of this process was described in the Sienfeld episode where Elaine asks herself, "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?", upon which she instantly dismisses the thought.

As I mentioned, I do not know if this phenomena is something that operates with you, but since you didn't have any other responses to your post, I thought I would pass it along as an interesting observation.

 

[Callie Arcale]

(all questions are rhetorical, do not answer)

There's some times when they're battling. This is when I am happy but feel it is still best. There are times when one side wins. This is when I'm ready to go. I don't think the other side has won yet. They've come close. I've been able to space on it for a few minutes, but then it all comes rushing back.

I need a bigger army. a stronger army. but is there a point? I'll die one day anyway. Yes, but in the meantime there is so much to enjoy. Meanwhile sitting here just waiting to drown, burn, crash, choke, suffocate, get a deadly disease. Yeah, sounds fun.

I want to enjoy life. I want to live. But going through life seems scary and....wrong....out of place. not living itself just a sense of 'I don't belong here', I don't fit in, anywhere, with anyone. And it's not even that. i feel....i have no words for this feeling. only ones that come close

You've put in writing how I feel. Only in my head I call it a dance, not a fight. A frantic, violent dance of life and death around a center in which my will stands paralyzed.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Yes. Well stated.

 

[wordsonscreen]

My observations come from having lived in many places and observed man things. I also worked on a crisis hotline for several years in the 70s and 80s.

It can be difficult at first to see a common thread between things that seem as different as a woman living a solitary life in an apartment reading romance novels and a teenage boy who thinks he is going to be a rock star. However, when dreams turn into a substitute for real life, there is a danger of following a path of imagination while real life deteriorates.

This is a very common phenomena and seems to be increasing. Contributing to this increase are social forces that seem to break apart families, isolate people, and promote self-indulgences that weaken relationships.

Just as it can be tempting to turn to alcohol or drugs to numb to pain of a difficult life, it can also be tempting to allow one's imagination to carry one into realms where real life in neglected. Many people (even if not dealing with this particular problem themselves) are unaware of the process even when it happens to someone they care about.

A glimpse of this process was described in the Sienfeld episode where Elaine asks herself, "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?", upon which she instantly dismisses the thought.

As I mentioned, I do not know if this phenomena is something that operates with you, but since you didn't have any other responses to your post, I thought I would pass it along as an interesting observation.

I think I am doing this but I do not want to stop. For me, it is the part where I am not trying to let go of my trauma. I have been forced to live in it so now I just actively choose it every day. It is less of a prison if it is my choice.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

A war in one's head is a good analogy for mental illness. And when there are multiple things going on it feels like different battles within the same war, and a day or two to recover can be a rare thing. Addiction is one of my battles: sometimes the bottle feels like the weaponry needed to defeat depression but the gains are generally short-lived. It is all just a part of the same war - trench warfare if you will - some sides gaining a bit of ground before losing it again the next week, back and forth, back and forth.