the world is so dark now

[fairykitty]

i don't even know why im here.. lurked for a long time now i've made an account

i keep flip flopping back and forth between wanting to get better and wanting to ctb
i've tried to ctb many times, i have ptsd and i was abused by my family but i was always too afraid to go through with it. ive been in the hospital before for an od.

my life is better now, to an extent… but i don't FEEL better. i feel the same as i did back then when i was being abused by my family. i still am i guess but i don't live there now. the only thing keeping me alive, i think, is my cats. i dont want to leave them. i have a boyfriend but we are fighting a lot lately. i do not have any friends. my cats are all i have…

i'm on my 5th medication now, cymbalta. i take it along with bupropion. it's not working. i relapsed cutting for the first time in years. i'm on my therapists waitlist for an appointment now but who knows how long that will be. i am too afraid to go to anyone else because i think they will institutionalize me.

i just always wanted someone to save me but i don't think they're gonna come.

the only thing im able to say to people is "i want to run away." that's really what i want.i just wanna run away and be able to start again, i don't want to die but i dont want to feel this pain anymore. im in constant agony. im addicted to weed now and it makes things worse, probably, but i'm in denial about it. it's my lifeline, i feel like id be dead alreAdy if i didnt smoke.

i'm so lonely, i used to have a lot of online friends but i stepped away from that community. i feel alone now and i spend most of my time on my phone. i also have adhd and along with my ptsd it's making school nearly impossible.

my grades are going down and my mother tells me ill have no life if i dont finish school. i've decided if i fail next semester of uni im going to ctb. if i let myself fall that far i see no reason to keep going. i haven't given up yet but if i can't pull through this i can't do anything.

the world is so fucked. i'm very up to date on world events and philosophy and it's making me want to die even more. i hate being a woman in this world. i've always wanted to make a difference, i have an extreme passion for politics and philosophy, but i just struggle to see how i can make a change.

i love my boyfriend and i don't wanna hurt him and my cats by ctb but i just want my pain to be over. and i'll never be a mother, i can't stay stable long enough… he deserves better than me. i'm tired of spreading my pain to others. i want my pain and sorrow to die with me.

but truly i don't want to die. i want to recover. that is my real end goal. but it just seems so out of reach always

…so does anyone have any studying tips for people like me?

 

[-nobodyknows-]

It's good that you still want that. I don't know too much about you, but I hope you can recover one day.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

…so does anyone have any studying tips for people like me?

If your lectures are recorded and posted online then I would say that it's best to watch them online and take notes. I find that I remember the material better and that my notes are of much higher quality when I do it this way. You can also try looking up flashcards for your courses on Quizlet too. You can also try using the SQ3R method when going through the textbook. I personally find that rereading my notes out loud helps a lot. Finally, if possible, try getting a good night's sleep. Sleep can impact memory consolidation (the process wherein memory traces are stabilized after initial acquisition becoming long-term memories) so it's good to try and make sure to sleep well. Also, don't study last minute. Try to start studying maybe a week or two prior to exams at least.

 

[fairykitty]

If your lectures are recorded and posted online then I would say that it's best to watch them online and take notes. I find that I remember the material better and that my notes are of much higher quality when I do it this way. You can also try looking up flashcards for your courses on Quizlet too. You can also try using the SQ3R method when going through the textbook. I personally find that rereading my notes out loud helps a lot. Finally, if possible, try getting a good night's sleep. Sleep can impact memory consolidation (the process wherein memory traces are stabilized after initial acquisition becoming long-term memories) so it's good to try and make sure to sleep well. Also, don't study last minute. Try to start studying maybe a week or two prior to exams at least.

Thank you I think my problem is something deeper honestly. It's probably my adhd but i procrastinate so bad and i don't know how to get out of it. i leave everything til the last minute and honestly the reason im failing is because i do t wanna leave my house to go to class. and i don't know how to fix that part of me. so i guess maybe study tips isnt what i need HAHA but they still help once i actually get to the library to study. GOING THERE and going to class has been the issue

 

[Vacuous]

i just always wanted someone to save me but i don't think they're gonna come.

It's very normal to feel this way, but you have to really consider the supposed comfort you would feel were this wish to be granted. In my view, this wish is a manifestation of that evil voice in your head that strips you of your self-worth. It doesn't feel good to be saved by others, to be dependent on people in general. And more importantly, it's impossible; it's an unrealistic and therefore unsustainable way to feel about yourself and your position in life. Only you can save yourself because only you have the power to do so.

i'm so lonely, i used to have a lot of online friends but i stepped away from that community. i feel alone now and i spend most of my time on my phone. i also have adhd and along with my ptsd it's making school nearly impossible.

You can overcome these feelings. ADHD is a daunting phenomenon that can loom over your life in a big bad way, but being aware of it is such a major first step to triumphing in spite of it that many don't even get to. Being aware of your own loneliness is a powerful gift as well. Your spirit could surely uplift and touch others in a positive way, and it's therefore important that you see that it does. Awareness in general is a huge advantage, and from your post I can gauge that you contain it to a large degree; you know yourself well, so nobody is in as powerful a position as you are to move your life in the direction it ought to go.

the world is so fucked. i'm very up to date on world events and philosophy and it's making me want to die even more. i hate being a woman in this world. i've always wanted to make a difference, i have an extreme passion for politics and philosophy, but i just struggle to see how i can make a change.

Looking at how much cruelty exists in the world, the moral rot and decay--it'd make any decent person overwhelmed by the desire to make a difference. But this feeling is irrational; it is not solely in your hands to change the world. One idea I am a big advocate of, though, is that changing one's own life serves as a shortcut to changing the world entire. You hold immense value, to which many in this world are, and would be, largely beholden. By preserving and tempering that radiant light which exists within you, I truly believe the world would be a better place.

but truly i don't want to die. i want to recover. that is my real end goal. but it just seems so out of reach always

It seems out of reach, but that's merely the almost deafening screeches of your pain overriding the softer, gentler tone of your strength. You want to recover, and you are perfectly capable of doing so. You made it this far, so press on.

 

[fairykitty]

It's very normal to feel this way, but you have to really consider the supposed comfort you would feel were this wish to be granted. In my view, this wish is a manifestation of that evil voice in your head that strips you of your self-worth. It doesn't feel good to be saved by others, to be dependent on people in general. And more importantly, it's impossible; it's an unrealistic and therefore unsustainable way to feel about yourself and your position in life. Only you can save yourself because only you have the power to do so.

You can overcome these feelings. ADHD is a daunting phenomenon that can loom over your life in a big bad way, but being aware of it is such a major first step to triumphing in spite of it that many don't even get to. Being aware of your own loneliness is a powerful gift as well. Your spirit could surely uplift and touch others in a positive way, and it's therefore important that you see that it does. Awareness in general is a huge advantage, and from your post I can gauge that you contain it to a large degree; you know yourself well, so nobody is in as powerful a position as you are to move your life in the direction it ought to go.


Looking at how much cruelty exists in the world, the moral rot and decay--it'd make any decent person overwhelmed by the desire to make a difference. But this feeling is irrational; it is not solely in your hands to change the world. One idea I am a big advocate of, though, is that changing one's own life serves as a shortcut to changing the world entire. You hold immense value, to which many in this world are, and would be, largely beholden. By preserving and tempering that radiant light which exists within you, I truly believe the world would be a better place.

It seems out of reach, but that's merely the almost deafening screeches of your pain overriding the softer, gentler tone of your strength. You want to recover, and you are perfectly capable of doing so. You made it this far, so press on.

Thank you so much this literally made my day yesterday but i didn't have the energy to reply, thank you sm
first day of school today. i hope i can will myself to go. whenever i don't go on the first day i always beat myself up over it like crazy and then stay home for the rest of the semester i honestly am just lost i don't even know how to exist in public like. i hate school so much.

Thank you so much this literally made my day yesterday but i didn't have the energy to reply, thank you sm
first day of school today. i hope i can will myself to go. whenever i don't go on the first day i always beat myself up over it like crazy and then stay home for the rest of the semester i honestly am just lost i don't even know how to exist in public like. i hate school so much.

and like fucking also i just wanna smoke weed so bad i don't have any anxiety meds left and im so addicted to both them and weed but i feel like weed is ruining my life. but truly it's fucking not i only started failing school when i started dating my boyfriend. i don't know what happened but i used to be so up on my schoolwork and o was doing good but then when we started dating i just failed a bunch of courses bc i didn't pass the work in. i keep forgetting my due dates. but that has been before i even started weed. idfk, thankfully my physics prof has lecture capture this time so i wont struggle so much if i dont go to class but i want to

like i want to go to class so fcking bad but i just cant pull myself out of bed half the time its actually ridiculous, im starting to think i should just stay OUT of my bed completely as soon as the morning starts but idk if that would even help. FUCK i'm just so goddamn tired and then when i get home at 3 today if i go to both classes im sure my bf is gonna want to hang out with me and if im busy or too tired ill feel bad or he will guilt me

i reached out to an ex friend last night that i haven't messaged in 2 years and i feel so fucking bad i'm so embarassed

just venting

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

First of all, I'm so glad I stumbled upon your post when I did on trying something out in this community that scares me… recovery because the reality is often so different from what is glamorized online and in real life about therapy, and it's a failed facade that doesn't exist anywhere and never had because life is ultimately impossible to want to live in or find any hope in living, especially when most suffer from the reality of struggling in some form of way.

You were a victim of so much and I deeply relate to how we both have suffered internally and feel you deeply when it comes to the situation of never having anyone around long enough because of those who abused us that we are subjectively blamed by it if not feel fear from it.

As women, we go through so much, and it's definitely more harder as young women who don't have any sense to grasp the situation we have seen from our mothers or aunts who had to either break the ice and succeed or leave us out to dry or help us out the best they can. I don't know what it was like for you, but most stories I've heard of young girls relying on women in their lives is so sad except if they were lucky to have a mother alone who deeply cared for them in such an environment because we are so attacked by so much in this life and it's even harder if you have ADHD or struggle with the feeling of failure and pressure.

Your story resonates with me because it's the reality of knowing you are doing what you have done so much but ctb is just around the corner because it's will never get better, and I say, your cats would need someone like an actual human baby to be there for them, and you don't want to suffer alone and you know what you must do if you are hurting this much and if your cats can't fully be there with you long enough

I'm supporting you and whatever choice you make.

You are more than what you are forced to go through from how life is and it's not fair

 

[human909]

It's good that you still wan't recovery, many on this site unfortunately do not want recovery. hope you recover smoothly and fast.

 

[fairykitty]

Thank you so much this literally made my day yesterday but i didn't have the energy to reply, thank you sm
first day of school today. i hope i can will myself to go. whenever i don't go on the first day i always beat myself up over it like crazy and then stay home for the rest of the semester i honestly am just lost i don't even know how to exist in public like. i hate school so much.

and like fucking also i just wanna smoke weed so bad i don't have any anxiety meds left and im so addicted to both them and weed but i feel like weed is ruining my life. but truly it's fucking not i only started failing school when i started dating my boyfriend. i don't know what happened but i used to be so up on my schoolwork and o was doing good but then when we started dating i just failed a bunch of courses bc i didn't pass the work in. i keep forgetting my due dates. but that has been before i even started weed. idfk, thankfully my physics prof has lecture capture this time so i wont struggle so much if i dont go to class but i want to

like i want to go to class so fcking bad but i just cant pull myself out of bed half the time its actually ridiculous, im starting to think i should just stay OUT of my bed completely as soon as the morning starts but idk if that would even help. FUCK i'm just so goddamn tired and then when i get home at 3 today if i go to both classes im sure my bf is gonna want to hang out with me and if im busy or too tired ill feel bad or he will guilt me

It's good that you still wan't recovery, many on this site unfortunately do not want recovery. hope you recover smoothly and fast.

thank you