Therapy Without Fear of Confinement Not Possible

[needthebus]

Someone I know died a few months ago. The person was my only friend. I am just so incredibly lonely now. I don't know if having a therapist would ease the loneliness and pain. I probably don't have time for it anyway or money for it anyway. I work so much and am exhausted and sad when not working. I probably couldn't trust a therapist anyway because my medical privacy was invaded before and I don't feel like I could have a privacy with a therapist anyway.

Even if money and time weren't an issue, any therapist would ask how I am feeling, and the truth is there's a very good change I'm going to kill myself. Perhaps I am being stupid and pessimistic and dramatic, but I would say the odds are 90 percent or higher in the next three years, 80 percent chance in the next two years.

I can't fathom that any therapist wouldn't be under an immediate obligation to have me hospitalized. I'm someone who tried to commit suicide before, it was a serious attempt, I am very suicidal now, and realistically I am likely to commit suicide. If a therapist would probably want to do a suicide risk assessment, the results would be extraordinarily high for risk of suicide. I also do not want to be locked up in a psychiatric in-patient facility. I can't afford it, those places don't allow cell phones or computers, and I would probably lose my job and lose my housing, both of which are precarious. A therapist may not even have discretion under their professional rules to not lock me up based on how suicidal I am.

I also just absolutely don't want to go to a therapist and have to risk it, hoping I don't get involuntarily confined to some locked hell ward. I really hate lying. I can do it if I need to, but it sucks. But it wouldn't be helpful having to lie to a therapist about how I feel, and I wouldn't enjoy lying about certain things and not others, it's a really awful predicament to be in. I certainly wouldn't want to be locked up in an inpatient ward and have to lie to a doctor about not feeling suicidal to be able to get out so I can use the internet or stop being charged exorbitant costs.

I am just so fucking unhappy, every day, and enraged about being the victim of sexual violence, just horrified by everything that was stolen from me in life. I feel like I am just a victim who gets taken advantage of, that's all I am, it's all I ever will be. I am just so fucking unhappy, and I absolutely know if I request help during this process because I am lonely, it's going to result in being forced on drugs that make me shake and twitch and unable to orgasm and I'll be locked up, until I learn to lie well enough to convince them I'm happy or they feel like they have metaphorically drained me of every insurance dollar they can get out of me. It's not worth it, never again will I ask for help. I am just sad about this, I am so lonely and unhappy. No one in fact cares about me. There's people who say they care, but it's bullshit.

My mental health is terrible right now, I can't afford to stop working, and I am so sad I am using illegal drugs to deal with the psychological pain of work, which I would rather not do. The illegal drugs are making my mental health much, much worse. I could stop the illegal drugs if I could endure the pain of work, but I can't do that. I would end up homeless or begging my physically abusive family for even more financial help if I stopped working, so for now I just keep working, trying to cobble together a way to end it that isn't too painful and is done in a way that I find acceptable, that is likely to have a high amount of lethality and low level of pain.

I am so poor and so unhappy. Poverty is a big part of why I'll probably end up committing suicide. The financial stress makes everything so much worse. People say help and support is available, but it's actually a lie. There isn't free therapy where I can just be me without being locked up. The government will not pay my rent if I am hospitalized without my consent despite creating rules allowing me to be locked up. The government will not rescue me from homelessness should I be locked up for being suicidal and lose my job and housing. There are hotlines and they hang up on you if you don't say you are suicidal and there is a risk of being locked up if you do. I work so much and get so little. I am just exhausted. I'm not ready to do it yet, but I am hoping within a year, or at least a few years. I just feel so victimized by society, and the government, and people; everyone just exploits me and doesn't care at all, no one likes me, everyone is mean to me and no one cares about the worst thing done to me. People talk about mental health awareness and removing the stigma of getting help, as though financial exploitation and financial distress were just irrelevant and the government and society were benevolent and just needed to be informed you need a helping hand. I walk past people often who are homeless and I'm too poor to help and those people have terrible mental health. You know what would help those homeless people, miserable and suffering on the street in agony: awareness. Oh, if only there was a poster nearby with a suicide hotline number, that would help those homeless people.

I am just so exhausted from the hollowness of society and the fake empty gestures regarding wellness. Really, I think many in society want the suicidal to die, but it's just not socially acceptable to say it, and it occasionally bothers some people when people commit suicide, so they settle and compromise on posters and empty gestures and buying ad time about the importance of awareness and help. But it's all bullshit.

I really wish I weren't on illegal drugs. I am borrowing from my future health to endure today and causing brain damage to endure today. I know there are things like NA and AA, but they all involve higher powers and religion is discriminatory and terrible. I have had to endure people lying to me and saying AA and NA and higher powers are not about religion and gods, but it's bullshit, of course it's about religion and some made up god. Many of the other forms of non-religious support, like Smart Recovery, rely on closed-source Chinese-made software like Zoom in order to meet. I don't need or want the Chinese Communist Party to be logging that I am a drug user in some database or logging biometric information.

I hope I don't keep feeling pain like this.

 

[Alabaster]

Hello. I'm sorry things are not good for you right now.

I don't know what country you're in. It's possible that, if it's like the UK, therapists and so on will not hospitalise you for anything less than immediate suicidal plans, that is, unless you admit have concrete plans (and probably preparations) to do something within the next couple of days. In my experience, they are very keen not to hear this, i.e. you would have to shout it directly in their ears in simple words for them to react. This is (I suppose) due to a lack of hospital beds and their awareness that hospitalisation is, as you say, probably unhelpful in all but the most 'necessary' cases.

Double-check what I'm saying, you should be able to find the information for your country (even if it's the UK, still double-check).

But, if I'm right (and in my very extensive and recent experience, in the UK, I am) you can discuss these things with a therapist, preferably one that has earned your trust. From the way you phrased things here, you are not at risk of hospitalisation, in my experience.

I sympathise with you about your tech worries. I had psychologist meetings over the internet, medical things emailed to me, and so on and blah. I can't say much to assuage your or my fears there, except I don't think anyone cares that much about either of us, and there will be such a sea and glut of such information abut everyone that picking ours out in particular won't be worth the hassle. Probably. I could be wrong. Anyway, if you want to die currently, being doxxed or whatever is probably kind of irrelevant, right? I mean, what's it gonna do... make you want to die? Same shit different day, in that case, right?

Obviously I'm only advocating taking sensible, measured risks with decent chance of actual good outcome.

I had more to say but I have to go now, I'll sign off just saying, good luck

 

[needthebus]

Hello. I'm sorry things are not good for you right now.

I don't know what country you're in. It's possible that, if it's like the UK, therapists and so on will not hospitalise you for anything less than immediate suicidal plans, that is, unless you admit have concrete plans (and probably preparations) to do something within the next couple of days. In my experience, they are very keen not to hear this, i.e. you would have to shout it directly in their ears in simple words for them to react. This is (I suppose) due to a lack of hospital beds and their awareness that hospitalisation is, as you say, probably unhelpful in all but the most 'necessary' cases.

Double-check what I'm saying, you should be able to find the information for your country (even if it's the UK, still double-check).

But, if I'm right (and in my very extensive and recent experience, in the UK, I am) you can discuss these things with a therapist, preferably one that has earned your trust. From the way you phrased things here, you are not at risk of hospitalisation, in my experience.

I sympathise with you about your tech worries. I had psychologist meetings over the internet, medical things emailed to me, and so on and blah. I can't say much to assuage your or my fears there, except I don't think anyone cares that much about either of us, and there will be such a sea and glut of such information abut everyone that picking ours out in particular won't be worth the hassle. Probably. I could be wrong. Anyway, if you want to die currently, being doxxed or whatever is probably kind of irrelevant, right? I mean, what's it gonna do... make you want to die? Same shit different day, in that case, right?

Obviously I'm only advocating taking sensible, measured risks with decent chance of actual good outcome.

I had more to say but I have to go now, I'll sign off just saying, good luck

It wouldn't be smart to discuss where I am on here

I don't want to have to GAMBLE

I don't want to go to a therapist and think "I really hope I don't get locked up" or lie and hope they don't realize I'm lying

Some days I do think about specific methods and impulsively just doing them. I keep ways of ending my life with me at all times but would prefer a less painful and organized end to my life. But I don't want to have to be a liar. Being locked up and forced on terrible psychiatric drugs before turned me into a liar ("Oh the warbolhexalphine tetrabutaglate is so wonderful and makes me feel so happy, it's a miracle, and I finally feel ready to leave" I would say as I twitched and emotionally died even more inside) and I hate lying, I've always hated lying. Never again. I'm so sad, I'm so unhappy, my life is awful, but at least let me have the truth. (Omitting the names of real medications for privacy.)

I don't want to incur risks or have to lie. It's easier and safer for me to not go.

I wish I had a therapist who could never lock me up, in which there was absolute medical privacy (for instance, it could not be disclosed after a failed suicide attempt or used against me somehow in a commitment proceeding in which I could be committed unless I waived privacy), who would be my therapist despite the fact I will likely die by suicide

It isn't possible. There's no such thing as absolute medical privacy or absolute protection from being locked up when discussing such things with a therapist. These are things one learns the hard way: when medical privacy is needed, it's not actually there, and is mostly a ruse for society to get you to let your guard down and disclose information. It's a total fucking gamble for me to go to a therapist and hope I am not forcibly committed and I won't gamble with the possibility of being locked up in some horrible place without access to the Internet or a cell phone and being forced on horrible drugs that make me twitch just because the socially acceptable thing is to "prioritize mental wellness." Fuck mental wellness, fuck therapy, and fuck what's socially acceptable.

I don't need therapy. I have drugs and I have death.

 

[alienfreak]

I relate to you massively and you expressed yourself very well. Thanks for sharing it. All day lately I think how I need to renew medication and how I should at least try therapy but I am too afraid of hospitalization and have zero respect for psychiatric science. The most terrifying thing I can imagine is being locked up wanting to kill myself but physically unable to do it, especially if forced to take drugs that I know damage the brain. I've spent weeks rehearsing and analysing what i should say to the doctor. This society is fucking sick.

 

[Alabaster]

I'd really like to disagree and say:

'Go and talk to someone, just don't admit to making any concrete plans, then they can't do jack shit wrt hospitalisation'

But I see the logic in what you're saying, and that you seem to have extensive experience, more than me, and you don't want to risk it and you don't want to lie. What can I say? Not much, I think. But, I do really hope that you find something.

---

I start to vent here. Sorry. Selfish but I won't delete in case it helps someone else.

It's actually really shit that we can't talk about this stuff to any professional with confidence. Your words have made me realise exactly how fucked it is.

It's not just with mental health people either. Other professionals have told me that if someone admits to having plans in that direction, they have to stop the conversation immediately and advise the person to seek help.

Kind of all seems like a big CYA exercise, by everyone. It's understandable, but it makes this a very lonely experience. Being hospitalised would make me worse. Being unable to talk about this openly makes me worse.

I'm having fucking flashbacks to the last time I saw a psychologist, and it was fucking awful. Fucking not even private, could clearly hear through the doors. Why did I even say anything? And she was a right cunt. When I got out, someone was hanging out in the corridor, and they just fucking stared at me. Wow. I better not even say what I'm thinking, right now. Possibly you can imagine.

Even on here, I feel like I can't talk to people, or even document my own personal journey, properly. I feel like a hunted criminal for even having these thoughts. I try to weigh every word carefully, and there are a hundred things I have not said.

I guess I've gotta remind myself that it could be worse. At least it's not the fucking dark ages where it's literally a crime to ctb. At least there's a veneer of respect and humanity on MH 'services'. Most of the time.

 

[alienfreak]

I start to vent here. Sorry. Selfish but I won't delete in case it helps someone else.

It's actually really shit that we can't talk about this stuff to any professional with confidence....

I feel exactly the same way, like a thought-criminal. In a way it makes me hate society and want to rebel against it by CTB

 

[wren-briar]

At least there's a veneer of respect and humanity on MH 'services'. Most of the time.

As I learned the hard way, it's ONLY a veneer. If you're diagnosed with a mental health issue, that diagnosis can be used to justify denying you actual medical care that you need, it can be used to blame the problems that their medications have actually CAUSED on you instead of actually reviewing medical FACTS, it can be used to justify interrogating you when you seek care for unrelated medical issues, it can be used to deny you pain medications that people without MH diagnoses but exactly the same physical symptoms would be given (for context: I had never been an illegal drug user), and of course, it can be used to justify imprisoning you when you point out these FACTS and aske to actually be heard and actually believed and actually helped and actually respected as a human being. F 'em, their actions prove time and time again that this is no longer a world I'm willing to be a part of!