there are things I'm curious about and it sucks that I'm suicidal

[artificialpasta]

the suicidality really makes long term planning difficult. I'm in my 20s and have just started my first job, and it's a good job with good opportunities. There are things that make me curious when I'm in my "high". I want to see what AI will look like. I want to know where my career takes me. I want to achieve things, keep the momentum going. I want to know what it's like to not be lonely. That gets in the way of CTB.

but when I'm tired I understand these things don't matter... and in my lows I don't see the point of grinding. So I need to plan both ways, but if I'm low and high half the time I can't plan for any goal. See the problem here.

not sure which subforum to post this but chose this because it has some optimism in it and I was in my high state when I started writing this

 

[relapse]

I don't usually post on the recovery section but I feel this so much. I hate to say it, but there's so many things I'm still curious about, things I want to stick around for no other reason than to see how they go. This keeps my life stuck because I can't make a decision for shit. Objectively, I'm aware CTB is my best option long-term and that nobody is rushing me to choose a date or deciding if I do it, but I'm terrified that this might mean I do want to live after all and I wish I knew what to do about it.

 

[nobeertonight]

the suicidality really makes long term planning difficult. I'm in my 20s and have just started my first job, and it's a good job with good opportunities. There are things that make me curious when I'm in my "high". I want to see what AI will look like. I want to know where my career takes me. I want to achieve things, keep the momentum going. I want to know what it's like to not be lonely. That gets in the way of CTB.

but when I'm tired I understand these things don't matter... and in my lows I don't see the point of grinding. So I need to plan both ways, but if I'm low and high half the time I can't plan for any goal. See the problem here.

not sure which subforum to post this but chose this because it has some optimism in it and I was in my high state when I started writing this

I also used to feel like this sometimes.
What else are you curious about?

 

[artificialpasta]

I also used to feel like this sometimes.
What else are you curious about?

You say used to, what changed?

What else I'm curious about - the state of the world? And how our understanding of consciousness and human nature might evolve maybe, which is why AI progress interests me so much. I enjoy reading and talking about these things.

In general it's those categories, 1) information or knowledge I'm curious about, 2) experiencing long term relief from loneliness and 3) achievement. I think the last two map on to the top two rungs of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

 

[nobeertonight]

You say used to, what changed?

What else I'm curious about - the state of the world? And how our understanding of consciousness and human nature might evolve maybe, which is why AI progress interests me so much. I enjoy reading and talking about these things.

In general it's those categories, 1) information or knowledge I'm curious about, 2) experiencing long term relief from loneliness and 3) achievement. I think the last two map on to the top two rungs of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Right now I feel like I'm completely warped, far beyond being able to experience things as they should, some philosophy and literature stuff still interests me, music too, but not enough to keep me here. It also feels like I have no high and lows anymore, I just feel nothing.

What is blocking you from the last two?

 

[artificialpasta]

Right now I feel like I'm completely warped, far beyond being able to experience things as they should, some philosophy and literature stuff still interests me, music too, but not enough to keep me here. It also feels like I have no high and lows anymore, I just feel nothing.

What is blocking you from the last two?

The last two require long term planning. I cannot have that when I have two minds with two opposing agenda. It makes no sense to invest deeply in something that will pay out in 5 months when half of me expects to die tomorrow.

Is it similar to anhedonia? I might consider that a low because there's nothing to block the hurt.

 

[nobeertonight]

The last two require long term planning. I cannot have that when I have two minds with two opposing agenda. It makes no sense to invest deeply in something that will pay out in 5 months when half of me expects to die tomorrow.

Is it similar to anhedonia? I might consider that a low because there's nothing to block the hurt.

Of course it makes sense, but my career was one of the few things that kept me floating during one of my worse times, it's not even about the raises either, I just liked being invested of responsibility.

I don't think it's anhedonia, I do have unpleasant feelings and very few bursts of good feelings (again, music and some shit that interests me, even some decent interaction with others), it's just that back then my ups and lows were very well delineated and I don't have those anymore, even if I'm good I know that what I really desire is to die.

 

[untraveler]

I think I have it simillar. And I often want to ctb, but often it's hard to believe I'd actually do it. So I'm stuck living. If so, then I kind want to plan long term, have some goals, stick to them. I can be lazy and procrastinate a lot, but generally I want to improve my life. One far worse fate than death for me is to be in such horrible state, in which you can't physically ctb anymore. So at least I want to keep living good enough to have that possibility to ctb. Which is stupid and counterproductive. Because there's no point in trying living good if I want to ctb anyway, but at the same time I'm trying living good to ctb. My life is pointless.