There is no hope

[mrtime87]

We all will die, and that is comforting, but not all of our deaths will be the same.

Knowing outside of some kind of miracle, deep down I know I'm going to die a painful death, probably during the winter.

My whole adult life, going back to the 9th grade, I avoided going to dentists and doctors because I thought I would be fine.

Yes, I was that stupid. I'm now 38 years old and have a boatload of health problems, and it's apparent my quality of life has reached 0.

I lay down and have no future, and have to live the embarrassment of knowing I can't even get into a local homeless shelter because of my health deteriorating. I've stayed there before and I know they won't let me stay because of these health problems.

The moral is to listen to your teachers and see the dentist twice a year and the doctor for a yearly physical, but for me, I now have to face the prospect of dying a horrific death because I didn't take care of myself.

Deep down it's a maturity issue, and yes, it's too late to fix these character flaws.

I always stupidly thought I could just kill myself if things got bad, but the more realistic my situation becomes, the more I know that suicide isn't just something you can do to get out of a bad situation.

That's why I get frustrated when I read about people who have suicidal ideation despite good health and responsibility they take for their own life. If they knew what I was going thru, I honestly believe they would see their situation probably isn't that hard or bad.

Yes, their emotions are real, but they still have things to look forward to and have probably built a life where they can take care of themselves despite their depression or difficulties they find themselves going thru.

My situation is the opposite. I'm not depressed and thinking of ending my life. I'm literally looking down a barrel of a lifetime of bad decisions and serious character flaws. I don't know why, but my thought processes aren't normal. I honestly believe I have narcissistic personality disorder, and the more I try to be a normal person, the more apparent it becomes that I'm simply the problem.

I tried throughout my 20s and 30s to downplay my bad behavior, but the older I get the worst it's gotten, and now I can't even end my life to get out of the hole that I've dug myself into.

For anyone truly wanting to CTB, hopefully their situation isn't so dire that they have nothing left.

It's honestly the worst feeling in the world, knowing I want to end my life but realistically can't, and as much as I want to, can't improve the situation. It's literally to the point I can't change what I'm going thru, even in I had a gun.

I imagine I would be to intimidated to shoot myself, having never owned a gun or ever shot one. On paper, it's worse. Just make respond ble choices and work hard.

I was the student who got good grades but had no integrity or work ethic. I thought good grades alone would land me a stellar career and slowly succumbed to the reality that it takes hard work and ethics to do well in life. As I got older, i did get better at my jobs, but because of mental health issues still couldn't hold one down.

Someone recently posted about resetting their life, and that's honestly how I feel. I look back and know where I've made mistskes, but to truly fix the problem I would have to fundamentally change who I am as a human being.

I don't think that's possible and honestly it's too late.

I've tried therapy and medication, but the only response I get is if you want to change who you are then do it.

I can't, even when I think I'm trying.

I thought religion would save me, or that God would take care of me, but the more I look back at this erroneous thought process, the more fundamentally flawed it becomes. God gave us free will according to many Christians, and that means we must take care of ourselves. We can turn to a higher power for comfort and discipline, even guidance, but to think so arrogantly that God will just fix our problems while we do nothing to better ourselves is ultimately a flaw.

For me, the tragedy is that at 21 years old I could have gotten medical help to fix my problem, and simply thought nothing bad would happen to me. It's gross and irresponsible, and now at 38 cannot be avoided.

Everyone can see that I'm not well and the only thing I can say is that I was that arrogant and foolish as to not get help.

I hate myself for how I think and act, and look now at having no where to go in a few months.

My belief d was built around the selfish idea that I was special enough that God slone would take care of me, if all I did is as say that he would.

Human suffering is real, and the closer I get to this, the more I see my character flaws being exposed.

If there is an afterlife, maybe the reset button would be good, almost like a movie I could watch where I could see the ideal version of my life where I made the right choices and acted responsibily.

But deep down I know I'm not this person, and honestly, if I was, I'm not sure who I currently am would even exist.

It's weird to think that I accept my limitations, because I accept who I am. What I cannot accept is what I've done, and now I simply wait for the worst, with no one to turn to and look for guidance.

I see normal people who can function in society and simply get depressed knowing I'm not one of them, nor will I ever be.

It's truly a hopeless situation that hopefully others will learn from. As for me, I simply can vent and look to this site for support, but honestly can't find hope because I feel like the majority of people who post here don't realize how good they have it. I wish I could say the same, but there is literally nothing to look forward to but bad health that won't improve.

Hell is for real, and yes, I feel like I'm living thru it, slowly counting down the he days to it's all over. If there is such a thing as a fate worse than death, I'm experiencing it.

Please take your health seriously, and if you have hope or can start doing so, see the light that suicide really won't solve anything. Yes, like in my case, it could get someone out of a bad situation, but unless there is a miracle, would be painful, even if the pain was brief.

Suicide hurts everyone involved, and not many people support countries like Switzerland or Canada that do provide these limited services.

Know that even if you've made bad decisions, you hopefully took your h wlth serious and can still get help.

It's a wonderful life, and people love a comeback story of someone turning theres around.

I have friends who have changed their situation, knowing they were bad people and doing somethings mg about it.

Change is real, but don't let arrogance blind you from getting help.

Sometimes it's too late to fix a problem, and telling yourself you will just kill yourself to get out of it will only make it worse. The odds of actually CTB are very low, and most people who do die a horrific death full of pain and misery.

Shooting yourself, even if it's supposedly instantaneous, you will still feel the pain, oif only for a brief moment. Unless your delusional and in a mental state where you're not in control, say like how curt kobain was on heroin.

The same for hanging yourself.

Even the gold standard like nembutal, you will feel anxiety before hand, and unless are in a position of wealth, won't be able to die comfortably.

Get help while youre still able to and don't be foolish like I was because even if accepted suicide really isn't just something you can do.

I don't know if there is even a game way for someone to pass except for in old age, but you would have to be wise and live a good life, hopefully dying in the comfort of your own home.

For many people, this simply isn't possible, and as rare as it is, many do die in the worst situations.

 

[escape_from_hell]

This won't be much consolation, but don't beat yourself up too much.
There are plenty of health nuts who only eat perfect meals, get bloodwork done on the regular, consult a myriad of health gurus, do positive self talk each morning, go out and kick ass in perfect form with perfect posture at all times, then get a full super luxurious beauty sleep for 9-12 hours every night and wake up with immense energy to self-care with intensity each and every day.

And, many of them still face the music. Even at a young age. Cancer. Distracted driving while watching the latest health vid on youtube. Mugged or beaten for looking so stuck up. Health consequences. Maybe they did something the 'wrong' way at one point in all those years of try-harding. Maybe they did not. Nature does not care.

I understand your point. It does not mean you could not have been living well with a few preventative measures in your life. But, what was the decision-making process really? Maybe there were not enough things pushing you to make those right choices. The world around us encourages bad decisions. This doesn't excuse them or anything.

But, you made it to 38 and sounds like you actually like and value your life. That's a lot better than many here. I am older and have been health conscience and saved money and things like that. Still, other poor decisions have brought ruin. Failed relations, just not being good enough etc. Think about how health information changes constantly. It is 2024 and we have spacecraft but still seem to have NO CLUE what humans are supposed to eat for optimal health. Just general ideas. And in my own lifetime fat, sugar, and protein have all been demonized or worshipped in various trending waves, meat, vegetables, specific foods, all of it. Some ultraprocessed food is universally agreed to be bad but those with blessed genetics thrive on it nonetheless. At our age even good decisions don't matter. For example, the height requirement to be considered a worthy human being has undergone inflation, and younger generation is tall as hell--easily accessing growth hormones, eating huge diets with great youtube workouts holding their hands, beating the shit out of their jaw so they look better, better exercise information, better health information all that. They will all judge the older generations for not doing the 'simple easy things' to be treated like a human being.

You are human.
This is life and I am not convinced this is not just one of infinite manifestations of neverending hell for our souls. The periods that seemed okay were there to provide contrast for more intense suffering.

 

[Davey40210]

So if shooting and hanging only means pain for a brief moment, then what's the problem.

I appreciate you telling your experience but I do see suicide as something one can do. And I do plan to do it.

However I agree you shouldn't f up your life or health thinking that you will die anyway. Just maintain your life and health, while you plan to CTB. Then if you don't pass over, you will still have something to return to.

 

[mrtime87]

This won't be much consolation, but don't beat yourself up too much.
There are plenty of health nuts who only eat perfect meals, get bloodwork done on the regular, consult a myriad of health gurus, do positive self talk each morning, go out and kick ass in perfect form with perfect posture at all times, then get a full super luxurious beauty sleep for 9-12 hours every night and wake up with immense energy to self-care with intensity each and every day.

And, many of them still face the music. Even at a young age. Cancer. Distracted driving while watching the latest health vid on youtube. Mugged or beaten for looking so stuck up. Health consequences. Maybe they did something the 'wrong' way at one point in all those years of try-harding. Maybe they did not. Nature does not care.

I understand your point. It does not mean you could not have been living well with a few preventative measures in your life. But, what was the decision-making process really? Maybe there were not enough things pushing you to make those right choices. The world around us encourages bad decisions. This doesn't excuse them or anything.

But, you made it to 38 and sounds like you actually like and value your life. That's a lot better than many here. I am older and have been health conscience and saved money and things like that. Still, other poor decisions have brought ruin. Failed relations, just not being good enough etc. Think about how health information changes constantly. It is 2024 and we have spacecraft but still seem to have NO CLUE what humans are supposed to eat for optimal health. Just general ideas. And in my own lifetime fat, sugar, and protein have all been demonized or worshipped in various trending waves, meat, vegetables, specific foods, all of it. Some ultraprocessed food is universally agreed to be bad but those with blessed genetics thrive on it nonetheless. At our age even good decisions don't matter. For example, the height requirement to be considered a worthy human being has undergone inflation, and younger generation is tall as hell--easily accessing growth hormones, eating huge diets with great youtube workouts holding their hands, beating the shit out of their jaw so they look better, better exercise information, better health information all that. They will all judge the older generations for not doing the 'simple easy things' to be treated like a human being.

You are human.
This is life and I am not convinced this is not just one of infinite manifestations of neverending hell for our souls. The periods that seemed okay were there to provide contrast for more intense suffering.

You are right about how no matter how good we could take care of ourselves, really can't decide on how we end our life.

I know a friend of my mother's who was 78 and very responsible and healthy, a God fearing Christian, who just recently died in a freak car accident where she ran a stop sign, passing in a helicopter on her way to a hospital.

It really put things into protective that bad things sometimes just happen, no matter how we take care of ourselves.

The same goes for a distant cousin of mine who has ALS. He's married with a 2 daughters and has a good career that simply was dealt a bad hand in life.

I think what hurts me the most is that there are decisions I could have made to improve my life. At 21 I could have gotten a medical test to prevent my health from deteriorating, and honest to God, despite pleas from everyone, lied about it because I didn't have the maturity to see where this obviously would go.

It's one thing to be dealt a bad hand of cards, but another to shoot yourself in the foot.

People like my mother and stepfather tell me everyone makes bad choic s, but honestly, mine are so foolish that all I can say is that I live a life of embarrassment.

When I make a bad decision, I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I honest to God can't stop myself from doing it.


Lack of control over impulses I guess is a hat I can as dealt, and like I wrote, is probably due to a personality disorder out of my control. But like a pastor at a Baptist Church once said, "You made a choice."

I know religion doesn't work for everyone, and honestly it goes back to the beginning, in Genesis, where Adam and Eve chose not to listen to God.

Sadly, some consequencee are worst thano others, and it's apparent mine were pretty serious.

I do thank you for your kind words, and like a psychiatrist said, seem to be pretty aware of myself. The problem is I'm pretty aware of myself and can't change the situation.

 

[escape_from_hell]

Remember your foolishness is also genetic + environmental.
Excuse or not, we also have no idea if humans have free will and the definition of such a notion is juggled around nonstop into whatever form makes the belief holder feel better. The better off someone is, the more they credit their inherent goodness of the soul's willpower. The worse off, the more is externalized. So, it's not even scientific.

As you pointed out, nature does not give brownie points.
I realize what I'm saying won't help. It is going to hurt like hell having made a foolish decision. It will hurt till it doesn't, sadly.

Most of us here just HOPE that death stops the hurt. But given how evil the nature of being seems, we cannot even be sure.

 

[mrtime87]

Remember your foolishness is also genetic + environmental.
Excuse or not, we also have no idea if humans have free will and the definition of such a notion is juggled around nonstop into whatever form makes the belief holder feel better. The better off someone is, the more they credit their inherent goodness of the soul's willpower. The worse off, the more is externalized. So, it's not even scientific.

As you pointed out, nature does not give brownie points.
I realize what I'm saying won't help. It is going to hurt like hell having made a foolish decision. It will hurt till it doesn't, sadly.

Most of us here just HOPE that death stops the hurt. But given how evil the nature of being seems, we cannot even be sure.

Sadly I have to agree. Unless there really is an afterlife, which sometimes I believe in and sometimes I don't, I honestly know deep down in my bones will end. We all will die, but even the most God fearing of us, really can't decide.

It would be foolish to do so, and like the Christian that was friends of my mother, died horrifically in a car crash despite doing everything the way you're supposed to.

For myself, I know the moral of what I'm going thru, but unless a miracle occurs, really can't get out of.

I tried finding hope in others but that has limits. There's a movie called Lost Highway about how we cannot escape our realities, no matter how hard we try to. That's honestly what I'm going thru.

I get to a point of acceptance but end going right back to despair, and honestly, without this website would have no one to turn to.

I still cling on to hope that I will just die, but am getting to the point where I think it's almost foreordained.

Yes, good people can die horrific deaths, but bad people always end up going thru the worst.

I've already decided I don't want a funeral, because I know a lot of bad things will be said about me.

If I can, I would love to rehabilitate my image but I don't think I'm currently in a position to do so and barring a miracle, am honestly just hoping I can die in a bed, God knowing how long that will be. I'm currently 38 years old, and knowing reality, will probably outlive a lot of people who truly would want to live. Like that Billy Joel song, only the good die young.

So if shooting and hanging only means pain for a brief moment, then what's the problem.

I appreciate you telling your experience but I do see suicide as something one can do. And I do plan to do it.

However I agree you shouldn't f up your life or health thinking that you will die anyway. Just maintain your life and health, while you plan to CTB. Then if you don't pass over, you will still have something to return to.

I guess the problem is SI and the reality that no matter how much I want to, I can't do it.

That honestly seems to be the dire situation a lot of people here feel themselves falling into. We know a gun can end our life, but unless you grew up with a firearm and know how to shoot one with experience, realistically will probable fuck it up.

I grew up in an inner city with a democratic family that's never owned a gun. I've never held one nor ever shot one. Saying a gun will work is frankly a fallacy that a lot of people buy into. It's not that easy.

Same with hanging myself. I tried a partial hanging and it didn't even work. And honestly, there is no anchor point that I can use. And even if I did, hanging, no matter how hard we try to say is not, is one of the worst ways to die. Unless you somehow managed to snap your neck, which sounds painful, you would go 7 minutes without breathing, which is like being in a horror movie.

For consideration, I almost died from suffocation by placing a bag over my head and using handcuffs to tie my hands behind my back. Fortunately, I didn't tighten the cuffs, and was able to get my hand out, but having lived thru that, can tell you was the most frightening thing I ever lived thru.

So no, even if the pain will will be brief, which even then isn't true, because 10 seconds can be an eternity, telling people to just shoot or hang themself doesn't solve anything.

If it did, then why are there so many of us lamenting that we can't end our life?

Will power alone won't overcome SI. If you look at the people who do successfully kill themselves, you'll see they're were in a state of delusion or hopelessness or so far gone that they weren't even aware of SI.

Even in cases like Robin Williams, you can see he was so skinny and gaunt by the time he hung himself that it's obvious his carotid artery was exposed enough that he was able to pass out.

And those cases are rare. I don't know why but the fallacy begins when when the media only reports the few celebrities who are able to successfully commot suicide. We rarely hear about those who fail, which would put this into perspective.

If you're able to, by all means more power to you, but 99 percent of the time it's quite the opposite.