vadim
Disqualified From Being Human
- Aug 10, 2023
- 119
Everything is so overwhelming and I've lost all hope that I'll ever escape it all.
I'm sitting here with three assignments due in the next couple of days and there's no way I'm going to be able to submit a single one of them. One is already 2 weeks late wih tomorrow being the last day I can turn it in, the other two are resits for failed modules with a hard deadline for this Friday. I failed so many modules in my first year of university that I had to repeat the year, and then I still couldn't get my shit together so I still have some outstanding modules to repeat. I can't afford to go through this again, and even if I could, the shame would prevent me from ever coming back.
The obvious advice would seem to be "drop out, college just isn't for you", but I can't do that because then I'll be left with no prospects besides working a dead-end job, not making enough money to ever become independent. I'll kill myself if that becomes my life.
However, I also don't want to stay because I fucking hate it here. I've been so miserable at university and I don't care about my course and I'm too stupid to be acedemically successful anyway, but I don't know what else to do with myself. If I drop out I'll be left with no direction and no clue what to do with my life.
I don't want to spend any more time being inactive rotting at home, but I also don't want to do a single thing besides lay down and die. There's no job I want to do and the thought of working my whole life makes me want to pre-emptively end it all. It's no exaggeration that I might seriously kill myself just due to laziness, I don't want to have to do all the things necessary to live in society.
I've had the past couple of years to think about what I should do and I've come up with fucking nothing. My mind is blank, I can barely think. I'm exhausted from trying to accomplish even less than the bare minimum and I just want to give up. I feel unworthy of human life. Doesn't help that on top of all that, I'm also entirely socially inept and haven't managed to make a single friend after three years at what is probably the easiest place to make friends, even after seriously attempting this past year to work on myself and to get out and socialise. I'm useless and I'll never amount to anything and everything is weighing on me and it feels like it'll never end. I've felt depressed for years and I'm at a point now where I can't picture a future with me in it.
Anyway, I might just be very stupid but it only occurred to me now that ctb is very much within my reach. I could easily get a bus to a spot where I can jump off a cliff and reach terminal velocity. It feels very tempting right now. I can't see a way of fixing my problems as I only have them because I'm terminally defective. The only solution is to erase myself from this life I don't deserve.
I'm sitting here with three assignments due in the next couple of days and there's no way I'm going to be able to submit a single one of them. One is already 2 weeks late wih tomorrow being the last day I can turn it in, the other two are resits for failed modules with a hard deadline for this Friday. I failed so many modules in my first year of university that I had to repeat the year, and then I still couldn't get my shit together so I still have some outstanding modules to repeat. I can't afford to go through this again, and even if I could, the shame would prevent me from ever coming back.
The obvious advice would seem to be "drop out, college just isn't for you", but I can't do that because then I'll be left with no prospects besides working a dead-end job, not making enough money to ever become independent. I'll kill myself if that becomes my life.
However, I also don't want to stay because I fucking hate it here. I've been so miserable at university and I don't care about my course and I'm too stupid to be acedemically successful anyway, but I don't know what else to do with myself. If I drop out I'll be left with no direction and no clue what to do with my life.
I don't want to spend any more time being inactive rotting at home, but I also don't want to do a single thing besides lay down and die. There's no job I want to do and the thought of working my whole life makes me want to pre-emptively end it all. It's no exaggeration that I might seriously kill myself just due to laziness, I don't want to have to do all the things necessary to live in society.
I've had the past couple of years to think about what I should do and I've come up with fucking nothing. My mind is blank, I can barely think. I'm exhausted from trying to accomplish even less than the bare minimum and I just want to give up. I feel unworthy of human life. Doesn't help that on top of all that, I'm also entirely socially inept and haven't managed to make a single friend after three years at what is probably the easiest place to make friends, even after seriously attempting this past year to work on myself and to get out and socialise. I'm useless and I'll never amount to anything and everything is weighing on me and it feels like it'll never end. I've felt depressed for years and I'm at a point now where I can't picture a future with me in it.
Anyway, I might just be very stupid but it only occurred to me now that ctb is very much within my reach. I could easily get a bus to a spot where I can jump off a cliff and reach terminal velocity. It feels very tempting right now. I can't see a way of fixing my problems as I only have them because I'm terminally defective. The only solution is to erase myself from this life I don't deserve.
