Venting There's no way out

[Apokryphiel]

I'm on the verge of killing myself. I just cant find any other way out. There's nothing else I can do anymore. The choices I've made throughout my life and the things that were entirely out of my control have left me in a bottomless pit I cant possibly climb out of.

My survival is based solely off of social security benefits, and it's not enough to have anything more than pure physical and mental suffering.

I live on my own, so most of the money I receive from social security is spent keeping a roof over my head. I don't have a car, I don't have a job, I have nothing. I can't get a job because I have no transportation, and my body is in no state to walk. I can barely stand most days because of how little food I'm able to afford.

My mind is no better than my physical health. Even if given the opportunity, I don't have the capability of socializing at all. I haven't had a single real friend in over 10 years. I go months, sometimes years without any human contact at all. The only exceptions to this are when I'm forced to see my parents again. It's always a reminder of just how disgusting all of this is. They do nothing but make me want to kill myself even more. They blame me for everything that has happened to me. They blame everyone but themselves for what has happened to our family as a whole. My siblings are all just as rotten as them.

I've been abandoned by everyone and everything I thought could help me. My family, my religion, myself... I want nothing more than to sleep forever. There's no substance out there that has ever been able to kill this feeling. There isn't enough drugs in the world to fix my problems.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've yearned for nothing more than human connection. But at every step of the road, I have been stripped of it all. I ended up becoming a middle school dropout because of how many times I have been sent to psych wards by my parents who don't care if I live or die. They're responsible for my brother's suicide, after all.

Any friends I might've had before it all came tumbling down were lost. I never knew just how fast I was falling towards where I am now.

I spent 90% of my teen years alone in my room wondering why this was all happening to me. I had no voice to cry out suffering. Everything I used to be was stolen from me by my parents and my own inability to fight for my life. I only began fighting when I turned 18. I moved out from my parents house into the cheapest, smallest, studio apartment I could find. An empty white box, just like all my rooms in those psych wards. I wake up everyday to an empty house, I have my bed and that's it. Nothing will ever change. I will live like this for as long as I'm alive.

I'm just so fucking alone... None of this would ever mean anything if I could just abandon it all and start anew. BUT I CANT. I am 21 years behind on everything everyone else has. I don't have a family, I don't have friends. an education, ANYTHING reminiscent of a life at all. The bare minimum would be a fairy tale for me.

My mind is falling apart. I'm beginning to fantasize about torturing and killing my parents before ultimately taking my own life. And that's arguably one of the more righteous thoughts I have... I'm losing every piece of who I am. And it's all because of this world. Why is this the hand I've been dealt? What else could I have done? What more can I do now that I haven't already tried?

Get my GED? Don't make me fucking laugh, even if I could, what about every single other problem? Therapy? Any other service? There's nothing that will help me. I know myself more than anyone. Please just please someone tell me what to do. Even if it's that I should just kill myself. I want to hear anything from anyone who thinks they have any idea of just how horrifying each day of life has been.

Please somebody make me feel human again...

 

[Jadeith]

There's nothing that will help me. I know myself more than anyone. Please just please someone tell me what to do.

Well, since the person who knows you the best is yourself, it's up to you to tell yourself what to do. Not very helpful answer, i know but given above statement, any external suggestion can be nuked with such mindset. So, maybe solution lies within you. Try to imagine what would you do for pleasure, what would make you tick if you were placed in a world with better circumstances than current ones.

Even if it's that I should just kill myself.

Not gonna happen. Being in shitty situation doesn't mean you should die. Especially since it wasn't you who put you in there.

From what i gather - you got shelter, some food and both hands. That's something. Not much but still something.
And you removed yourself from toxic surroundings. That's bold. I'm proud of you.
You didn't give up but instead asked for help here so there's some will to fight in you - that's important too.
And you still got net connection so you are not as lonely as it might seem. Yes, i'm pretty well aware that virtual contact is nothing compared to a physical one but for now, you got to play with what you have.

As for what can you do - obviously, i know shit about what you are, where you live etc. so any precise advice is nearly impossible. But, since you got net access, then maybe some content creation? About sth you like doing? Or sth vlog style, how you survive on a day to day basis? Might keep your mind busy and focused and also provide a community of people with similar struggles?
Other thing - take a look around. Is there anyone around you who also might be struggling? Some elderly person? Handicapped one? Surviving together is easier than alone, provides sense of purpose and gives opportunity to open your mouth to someone alive and breathing, not just screen text.