waytootiredforthis
New Member
- Sep 28, 2024
- 4
fair warning, long vent about not wanting to live and the particulars as to why
I have a lot of mental illness issues, I'm autistic, have severe adhd, a general shitload of incurable issues that are too expensive to even manage because medication, even with insurance is too expensive and therapy is too expensive. Help is too expensive. I don't qualify for free help because I "make too much" according to the government but all of it goes to rent and bills, I can't even afford groceries so I starve often.
I was abused for the first 18 years of my life in many ways, which no doubt caused some brain damage and definitely ptsd, along with a lot of other issues.
I struggle to connect with people because I'm autistic and honestly probably have borderline personality disorder, but no psychiatrist will even test me for it until I'm 21 and even then, they are hesitant to believe it. Because of this, I don't really have friends or close people in my life and when I do, I end up hurting them (intentionally and unintentionally, never any physical harm, for the record) because I'm so messed up and don't know how to regulate emotions and feelings properly because I was never taught and being taught now costs too much money that I don't have. I also have very high standards for people to be considered my friends or close people in my life, but they are my boundaries, my limits. Others have said they're too high standard to be boundaries but it's bare minimum for me, so finding people with similar views is next to impossible. To add to that I am transgender and that severely impacts me because people hate me before I can even speak sometimes just because I'm trans. My rights are being taken away in many states and I'm scared for what's to come. I might not even have access to HRT in the coming years. I live in a generally good state, but the state of the government coming up, it might just kill me for fun.
My family are not good people so I cut them off long ago, they are not in my life. I'm pretty much alone in this world. All I do is work and that's not even enough to pay for groceries, meds, therapy, help and assistance so I could have a potentially good life. I have fun at work sometimes but I'm still severely mentally ill so any rejection at work or negative wording sends me into an anxiety attack.
The very few friends I do have still, are in far away countries, where my very existence is illegal or too far for me to travel to. I love my friends but they are so busy in their lives and the timezones make it hard to talk at all anymore.
When I moved to a bigger city, which was huge for me, I thought it would be better. It's the same but with worse traffic. The people are pretty much the same, the community is slightly larger in terms of lgbt+ community, but still impossible for me to find others like me.
I am on my own. I am scraping by financially, mentally, and physically. I may be losing my hearing in one ear to top it all off. I can't afford to see my doctor again any time soon either. I have nobody anymore. I have no genuine reason to be alive, and yet I am and I don't entirely know why. The possibility of a maybe good future? The possibility of friends? The possibility of a life to love? The possibility that one day I won't struggle so bad financially? It's all possibility, but so is facing homelessness, being completely bankrupt, having a full psychotic break because I cannot afford care.
The only things that ever bring me joy anymore are the few times I can afford a nice meal or eat someplace I love. My daily coffee. The ideas and plans for more tattoos. The concerts I sometimes get to see. And they aren't often, but they bring me just a little joy to continue another day longer so I guess that's something. But they don't take away the quiet nights where my head is louder than everything, the loneliness, the unbearable pain, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the insomnia, the struggle of why I continue to hold it all together. Really, it all boils down to me being incredibly picky, while I can still afford to be. I want to be at peace, to finally rest for good, to finally stop fighting, to finally quit going to war every morning with my illnesses. But I want to go painlessly. And that is apparently very hard to do. Every day has been painful, I just want the last one to not be. I've done so much research throughout the years and I know how I would prefer to go, but it's not the most accessible to me, even though I live in a place where almost every kind of drug is available on the street, if you know the right guy. But I don't. And I'm still slightly scared. Because there are still some hopes and some dreams, but the pain outweighs it all. The illnesses overpower the dreams. I'll never win the fight to continue and see what happens and I just hope when I do leave, it's finally peaceful. That's all I ever wanted.
I have a lot of mental illness issues, I'm autistic, have severe adhd, a general shitload of incurable issues that are too expensive to even manage because medication, even with insurance is too expensive and therapy is too expensive. Help is too expensive. I don't qualify for free help because I "make too much" according to the government but all of it goes to rent and bills, I can't even afford groceries so I starve often.
I was abused for the first 18 years of my life in many ways, which no doubt caused some brain damage and definitely ptsd, along with a lot of other issues.
I struggle to connect with people because I'm autistic and honestly probably have borderline personality disorder, but no psychiatrist will even test me for it until I'm 21 and even then, they are hesitant to believe it. Because of this, I don't really have friends or close people in my life and when I do, I end up hurting them (intentionally and unintentionally, never any physical harm, for the record) because I'm so messed up and don't know how to regulate emotions and feelings properly because I was never taught and being taught now costs too much money that I don't have. I also have very high standards for people to be considered my friends or close people in my life, but they are my boundaries, my limits. Others have said they're too high standard to be boundaries but it's bare minimum for me, so finding people with similar views is next to impossible. To add to that I am transgender and that severely impacts me because people hate me before I can even speak sometimes just because I'm trans. My rights are being taken away in many states and I'm scared for what's to come. I might not even have access to HRT in the coming years. I live in a generally good state, but the state of the government coming up, it might just kill me for fun.
My family are not good people so I cut them off long ago, they are not in my life. I'm pretty much alone in this world. All I do is work and that's not even enough to pay for groceries, meds, therapy, help and assistance so I could have a potentially good life. I have fun at work sometimes but I'm still severely mentally ill so any rejection at work or negative wording sends me into an anxiety attack.
The very few friends I do have still, are in far away countries, where my very existence is illegal or too far for me to travel to. I love my friends but they are so busy in their lives and the timezones make it hard to talk at all anymore.
When I moved to a bigger city, which was huge for me, I thought it would be better. It's the same but with worse traffic. The people are pretty much the same, the community is slightly larger in terms of lgbt+ community, but still impossible for me to find others like me.
I am on my own. I am scraping by financially, mentally, and physically. I may be losing my hearing in one ear to top it all off. I can't afford to see my doctor again any time soon either. I have nobody anymore. I have no genuine reason to be alive, and yet I am and I don't entirely know why. The possibility of a maybe good future? The possibility of friends? The possibility of a life to love? The possibility that one day I won't struggle so bad financially? It's all possibility, but so is facing homelessness, being completely bankrupt, having a full psychotic break because I cannot afford care.
The only things that ever bring me joy anymore are the few times I can afford a nice meal or eat someplace I love. My daily coffee. The ideas and plans for more tattoos. The concerts I sometimes get to see. And they aren't often, but they bring me just a little joy to continue another day longer so I guess that's something. But they don't take away the quiet nights where my head is louder than everything, the loneliness, the unbearable pain, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the insomnia, the struggle of why I continue to hold it all together. Really, it all boils down to me being incredibly picky, while I can still afford to be. I want to be at peace, to finally rest for good, to finally stop fighting, to finally quit going to war every morning with my illnesses. But I want to go painlessly. And that is apparently very hard to do. Every day has been painful, I just want the last one to not be. I've done so much research throughout the years and I know how I would prefer to go, but it's not the most accessible to me, even though I live in a place where almost every kind of drug is available on the street, if you know the right guy. But I don't. And I'm still slightly scared. Because there are still some hopes and some dreams, but the pain outweighs it all. The illnesses overpower the dreams. I'll never win the fight to continue and see what happens and I just hope when I do leave, it's finally peaceful. That's all I ever wanted.
