The Ferryman
Member
- Nov 27, 2023
- 12
You know, things have really gone up, got a job going onto full-time at 19, got a bf we plan to move in with, making enough money to impulse buy a decent amount, even able to get some long-life wants that we haven't been able to get due to our one income apt. But it's just not fulfilling at all. It sucks, we have what so many want, what so many beg for, what WE wanted... but it seems so pointless. It's all selfish, we haven't been living for our sake for so long, we never wanted to live, we're living for everyone else and it's tiring. We have to wake up at 3 - 4 am every day due to sleep anxiety, struggle *to* sleep due to it as well. Constantly stress about the quota and judging ourself for not going fast enough even though we leave on time. And all those hours alone, it just lets the thoughts fester, we're fucking tired. We don't want to be here, we just want to let it all go, we don't want all this stress of having to keep going for others when we don't want to. It feels so selfish but we're stuck here! We have no control over our life out of fear of hurting others when we hurt so much just having to think about every day that passes. How we breathe, what we eat, how we sound, how we dress, what we say, there's never a moment where we can just fucking relax. Be it anxiety, depression, whatever it is, it's looming constantly and living like this is actual hell. We just want to disappear, never do anything again, we just want to be ok with every passing day, every month that turns to year but we can't. Every waking moment we feel like a failure for not just jumping when we should have. We could've been free! Out of this shitty life, everything is so expensive, we can't be happy, we're undiagnosed and awaiting therapy, we're trying to become underweight, nothing helps, nothing works. It's an endless waiting game and even when we're, "on top of the world" it feels like a lie. It doesn't matter how much success we have, friendships and relationships we grow, we don't want to be alive. We're being held against our will out of not wanting to hurt others but we're just hurting ourself.
