Think I’m going tmrw

[justwannadip]

Gonna message my ex and take the SN with clonazepam. Ive just been in a painful limbo for so long. Can't get out of bed, in constant pain, and wasting away. I have to make the decision to go. In terms of why I want to, theres many, and you could probably look through some of my posts to get a brief glimpse. Body dysmorphia, BPD, OCD, ADHD, tourettes (constant suffocating breathing tic) and a constant and relentless inner critic is a simplified explanation. The healthier or single disordered ppl often say "Don't define yourself by labels" ok, try living with them where your entire life is influenced and dictated by your dysfunction.

I push romantic partners away because I feel undeserving at my core, and I have obsessive doubts, trust issues and paranoia that ruins every relationship. I can never fully feel in love until the person has abandoned me. I can never feel satisfied or realize what I have until it's destroyed or gone. I had a surgery gone wrong and I became suicidal thinking about how much more attractive I was before the surgery, even though my body dysmorphia never allowed me to believe that before in the first place. My keys are always in the past, unattainable; thats the cruel game I've been playing for years. Ocd tells me I'm irredeemable and horrible, body dysmorphia makes me feel so disgusted and unworthy that I want to escape my body, bpd makes emotional pain 100x more intense and sabotages every romantic relationship, tourettes makes me unable to breathe fully, depression makes me unable to get out of bed and my adhd makes everything more chaotic.

In summary, my mind works against me, and tortures me relentlessly. I really hope I just make the decision. I'm scared of my SI, and I'm hoping a large dose of benzos will hinder it. I've been here way too long. I'm in pain. But i know the same brain thats killing me will try everything to keep me here tmrw, so here's to hoping I win that war.

Doubt I'll make a goodbye thread cus I'll likely end up just taking it impulsively. If my attempt is not successful, or my SI and anxiety wins, I'll report back here. If I'm not back in a week, I've likely passed as long as I'm not somehow being held in a hospital with no phone. Appreciate this community. Few understand what its like, and thats fine. That won't change. I appreciate you guys that do, and I wish you didn't. The level of suffering and pain to get to this point is insane. Best of luck to you all.

Lastly, I'd like to link what I feel is the most succinct and accurate analogy for what it's like to be suicidal. Quote by David Foster Wallace

A quote by David Foster Wallace

The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s...

www.goodreads.com

If I go through with it, love u all Hope you all find peace somehow, someway.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

please understand, no one is rooting for anyone to die. this is usually the only place where people can receive understanding. instead of hearing hold on, don't do it etc, here, sometimes people can receive support for their decision by others who have lives of hell and know how much sometimes the only relief is death. it's actually horribly tragic.

messaging your ex might be a bad idea if you serious about your plans, they may call services as you may sound cryptic or reveal your plans.

I hope you will be alright. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[justwannadip]

please understand, no one is rooting for anyone to die. this is usually the only place where people can receive understanding. instead of hearing hold on, don't do it etc, here, sometimes people can receive support for their decision by others who have lives of hell and know how much sometimes the only relief is death. it's actually horribly tragic.

messaging your ex might be a bad idea if you serious about your plans, they may call services as you may sound cryptic or reveal your plans.

I hope you will be alright. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think I didn't choose my words right. I meant more along the lines that there are a couple users I've encountered that seem to have a morbid curiosity when it comes to ctb's, and I'd rather not make one for that reason. I, as much as anyone here, am grateful to have a community that understands and supports one's decision to ctb. My comment wasn't intended for the overwhelming majority that share that view, and who genuinely hope to see the person find peace either in life or death. I appreciate goodbye threads and think they are such a beautiful and rare show of comfort and support on such a terrible outcome to life. Just wanted to clear that up. I took out the sentence as it can be misinterpreted and detracts from the main message of my post.

I won't be telling my ex explicitly or implicitly about my plans. She wouldn't have any clue. I appreciate the warning though.

Thanks for the well wishes. I hope you find peace from your suffering as well.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I think I didn't choose my words right. I meant more along the lines that there are a couple users I've encountered that seem to have a morbid curiosity when it comes to ctb's, and I'd rather not make one for that reason. I, as much as anyone here, am grateful to have a community that understands and supports one's decision to ctb. My comment wasn't intended for the overwhelming majority that share that view, and who genuinely hope to see the person find peace either in life or death. I appreciate goodbye threads and think they are such a beautiful and rare show of comfort and support on such a terrible outcome to life. Just wanted to clear that up. I took out the sentence as it can be misinterpreted and detracts from the main message of my post.

I won't be telling my ex explicitly or implicitly about my plans. She wouldn't have any clue. I appreciate the warning though.

Thanks for the well wishes. I hope you find peace from your suffering as well.

I'm sorry, and yes, some people go as far as fetishism but I had not heard that on here before. You deserve respect and dignity, not voyeurism. I need to stop my existence such as it has become, I am severely damaged/disabled because I waited to too to take care of the inevitable. I don't know how to get out of this but if my left hand gets more stable I can take care of it with methods I already have.
You aren't alone. I'm trying to get SN myself as now it may be my only option. I do hope you find the process quick and painless. No one deserves anymore suffering.

Peace be with you for your journey, always.

 

[Gangrel]

I just hope you find peace no matter what.

 

[promegranate_]

I wish you luck in whatever you do! I hope you can find comfort and peace in any way

 

[justwannadip]

I'm sorry, and yes, some people go as far as fetishism but I had not heard that on here before. You deserve respect and dignity, not voyeurism. I need to stop my existence such as it has become, I am severely damaged/disabled because I waited to too to take care of the inevitable. I don't know how to get out of this but if my left hand gets more stable I can take care of it with methods I already have.
You aren't alone. I'm trying to get SN myself as now it may be my only option. I do hope you find the process quick and painless. No one deserves anymore suffering.

Peace be with you for your journey, always.

I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much that its even impacting your ability to ctb. I wish I could take the pain away. Thanks for sharing some of your thoughts and kind words, it means a lot. Peace be with you as well.

I just hope you find peace no matter what.

Thank you. I wish the same for you

I wish you luck in whatever you do! I hope you can find comfort and peace in any way

Thank you. I like ur pfp, its raining here too

 

[horrorvacui]

Gonna message my ex and take the SN with clonazepam. Ive just been in a painful limbo for so long. Can't get out of bed, in constant pain, and wasting away. I have to make the decision to go. In terms of why I want to, theres many, and you could probably look through some of my posts to get a brief glimpse. Body dysmorphia, BPD, OCD, ADHD, tourettes (constant suffocating breathing tic) and a constant and relentless inner critic is a simplified explanation. The healthier or single disordered ppl often say "Don't define yourself by labels" ok, try living with them where your entire life is influenced and dictated by your dysfunction.

I push romantic partners away because I feel undeserving at my core, and I have obsessive doubts, trust issues and paranoia that ruins every relationship. I can never fully feel in love until the person has abandoned me. I can never feel satisfied or realize what I have until it's destroyed or gone. I had a surgery gone wrong and I became suicidal thinking about how much more attractive I was before the surgery, even though my body dysmorphia never allowed me to believe that before in the first place. My keys are always in the past, unattainable; thats the cruel game I've been playing for years. Ocd tells me I'm irredeemable and horrible, body dysmorphia makes me feel so disgusted and unworthy that I want to escape my body, bpd makes emotional pain 100x more intense and sabotages every romantic relationship, tourettes makes me unable to breathe fully, depression makes me unable to get out of bed and my adhd makes everything more chaotic.

In summary, my mind works against me, and tortures me relentlessly. I really hope I just make the decision. I'm scared of my SI, and I'm hoping a large dose of benzos will hinder it. I've been here way too long. I'm in pain. But i know the same brain thats killing me will try everything to keep me here tmrw, so here's to hoping I win that war.

Doubt I'll make a goodbye thread cus I'll likely end up just taking it impulsively. If my attempt is not successful, or my SI and anxiety wins, I'll report back here. If I'm not back in a week, I've likely passed as long as I'm not somehow being held in a hospital with no phone. Appreciate this community. Few understand what its like, and thats fine. That won't change. I appreciate you guys that do, and I wish you didn't. The level of suffering and pain to get to this point is insane. Best of luck to you all.

Lastly, I'd like to link what I feel is the most succinct and accurate analogy for what it's like to be suicidal. Quote by David Foster Wallace

A quote by David Foster Wallace

The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s...

www.goodreads.com

If I go through with it, love u all Hope you all find peace somehow, someway.

The part about pushing romantic partners away that you stated is way too real. You have this struggle to commit to anything, because you feel that you are lack luster in what they want in as a partner, worthless of love, not the right fit, or for any insurmountable reason.

I too have not been able to accept people who romantically find interest in me due to my ex years ago. He damaged me so much and told me how grateful I was to, "have them" and "only them" whilst forcing my timid hand in cutting off most friendships I had at the time.

I really do hope you overcome this hurdle like I hope most of us who want to will… And if not, I wish you everlasting peace in the afterlife

 

[rozeske]

I wish you the best. I hope you find peace in your decisions

 

[sorrowful]

I'm sorry for all you are dealing with. Whatever your decision, I hope that you find peace. Much love.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot in this existence so cruel but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Meowmeownextweek]

I understand your pain, especially the pushing people away part. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy, and it's so hard once you realize it was all just self sabotage.

Just know that even if we don't know each other, I love you. I am happy that you will find your peace soon and I wish you the best. Good luck <3

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Good luck with your plan! I hope you find peace!

 

[justwannadip]

Thank you all for ur support and kind words, it means a lot
Update—I ordered a scale off amazon that's coming soon. Originally I was planning on measuring the SN by tablespoons but I wanna be as accurate as possible.