Discussion Thinking about how to improve my situation gives me way more anxiety than thinking about ctb

[crocune]

Wasted most of my life away, never had a relationship, but life has been tolerable/easy because I live with my mom who spoiled me (too much for my own good) because I'm all she has left.

Recently my grandma died and that gave me a shock and depression and I've been trying to make ways to improve myself so that maybe I won't be a total neet failure and applied to go back to school or find a job or something.

But just thinking about going back to school or finding a real job is giving me anxiety attacks and heart palpitations that won't go away. Heart is literally pounding through my chest as I think about what's going to happen if (more like when) I inevitably fail either the job search and/or uni.

On the otherhand thinking about ctb doesn't give me that same anxiety at all. Almost seems comforting compared to thinking about the future. Only downside is that idk which method to go through and don't know how to get sn in my country. Spent the last few weeks in bed due to injury but that's only an excuse. Mostly I was so petrified and anxious that the only thing that gave me solace was sleep

 

[beseechgod]

I feel the same. The only thing I'm motivated to do now is plan ctb. Feels pointless to put my energy into anything else. Just want to get this over with as soon as possible.

 

[L'absent]

Hey, I can imagine how much all of this is weighing on you. That feeling of being stuck, like the future is an insurmountable mountain, is something many people face, even if not everyone admits it. You're not alone in this.
The fact that you're trying to improve yourself, even just by thinking about going back to school or finding a job, is already a huge step forward. It's normal to feel scared – the fear of failure is an uncomfortable but common companion. But remember: you're not defined by your successes or failures. Even the smallest steps, like just getting out of bed on a tough day, matter.
About the heaviness you feel, I know it can sometimes seem like the only way out is the most drastic one. But the fact that you're here, writing and sharing these thoughts, shows that a part of you still wants to find a solution, a path that isn't that one. Maybe the first step doesn't have to be huge. Maybe it can be small, like talking to someone who can help you manage this anxiety or just help you find a bit of relief.
You don't have to face everything alone, and you don't have to fix everything today. Take your time and try to be kind to yourself. Even in the darkest moments, there's always the chance that something can change, even a little – and sometimes, that's enough to start.

 

[vitbar]

ikr it's the "upside" to the permanent solution to temp problem saying. It's final, solid, and certain while recovery is a whole uncertain nebulous process. On top of that we've grown used to suicide, and withered back from the world.