nolifezzz
stuck somewhere between hell and earth
- Mar 26, 2020
- 39
just turned the legal age here to drink, home situation is getting worse, (everything is getting worse to be fair) from the noises, arguings, conversations topics, parents debt collectors coming here everyday etc. and some more troubling things i rather not talk about cause its personal family detail im misophonic and have always been quite sensitive to things around me so yeah these last few years especially been literal hell. got back to smoking, self harming, taking more ibuprofens than i should, listening to musics real loud pretty sure i damaged my hearings a bit now, any kind of distracting things i can gain access to from my little bubble ive tried, now its september and i hit the age where its legal to drink thinking of finally trying it for once, cause i dont know anymore. dont know what else i can do. seek professional help to get prescribed anti depressants? yeah lol nope too far gone to even have the courage to talk about my life to strangers like that, trust me ive tried, and all it was was a waste of time cause i either went blank literal zero thoughts motivations to get better all gone right at that moment or just all out cold sweats panic attack right there n then. probably caused by bad unprofessional experience in the past but oh well. i guess what im trying to ask here, is it a good idea? does getting drunk makes you a bit more chill? relaxed? loosen up? stop thinking for once? numb? seriously im willing to try anything and this is one i havent tried yet. no weeds, weeds are illegal here. im genuinely curious but im also conflicted as to whether to actually buy one or not (the booze not the weed sorry if my sentences are messed up, not a native speaker nor well adjusted in the head or in term of intelligence lol) cause i feel guilty for wasting quite a bit of money for something that could potentially be not worth it when my family's in a lot of debt and least i could do is put what little savings i have into helping ourselves. soo adults um people who drink is getting drunk worth it? in terms of just trying to get relaxed and just stop my brain from thinking too much, just something to numb myself for a bit because to be honest i can barely function when im like this, when my brain's overloaded with nonstop bad thoughts & negative feelings. even getting up from bed is hard cause theres this voice in my head keep throwing me back down keep telling me to focus on trying to unexist myself if dont have the guts to die just stay in my little room forever just hide & rot not one person deserves to be reminded of my existence by me appearing near them nor do i deserve to breath to drink eat etcetera yeah these kinda thoughts. running in my mind nonstop 24/7 since childhood which probably explains why its so easy for me to be a shut in loner for so many years, 10 years now i guess? or a bit more i forgot and not realize how long has it been how many years have i wasted whoops and now im rambling and changed the category from 'help' to 'venting' because it might be more accurate now
