Venting This household...

[Anarchy]

I hate my parents' expressions. They look frustrated with me most of the time. They talk in an impatient tone.
I hate their look of annoyance and anger and contempt for my behaviour.
I hate how entitled and disrespectful and intolerant they are.
They only discussed my suicidilaty once with me. It was an argument. My dad was angry because apparently it's illogical. He said that I have a twisted perspective.
They say that they love me, but when their initial reaction to my behaviour is frustration and anger, all I feel is intolerance and anxiety.
My mum didn't talk to me about my depression properly, because "talking about bad things won't help you to get better".
Whenever they tried to speak to me about it, which was very, very rare, they made me feel accutely suicidal. I'd tell my mum about being isolated, and she'd say that I give off bad vibes and that I need to make an effort more. She just seemed to see it as arbitary. There was no compassion, not that I felt, anyway. I'd say that I struggle to be around people and she'd retort that I couldn't make friends if I didn't give it a chance. Everything that I said to her was just a problem to be solved; just something else for her to explain away as if that would make it disappear.
Then, as I felt even more isolated and distressed, she's start talking about the weather or family members or her friends or something that had happened that day.
My dad would try to talk to me less frequently than my mum, but they both had proper discussions with me so rarely that they were both as ignorant as each other.
He would seem more understanding than my mum, at first. He wouldn't suggest how to improve it or blame me. I still felt uncomfortable though. It's impossible not to feel uncomfortable around them.
He'd always end up getting angry in the end, and blaming me then.
Apparently, when my parents act angry and frustrated with me, it's just because they care, but I feel attacked.
They say that I act frustrated with them -which is true - and so I can't blame them for them being frustrated with me. But I do blame them.
Anyone else would probably internalise it and believe that they're a bad person, but even that's not possible because I'm not that type of person. It would be easier if I hated myself because of it, I think. Then I wouldn't bother about the discrepancy between their words and actions, and I wouldn't bother trying to figure out if they really are bad - I'd just believe them. I wouldn't feel even more isolated for being the only person to think that they're bad. I'd be another one of many people with low self-esteem and I'd be able to identify with others better.
Are parents supposed to have emphatic discussions with their kids?

 

[FullFat]

I feel you. This was the biggest problem I had with my dad growing up. The more upset I became, the more anxious and frustrated he got, and the more he lashed out at me. This lead to ass-backward behavior like telling me to commit suicide when he was upset about me being suicidal. ???

It sounds like your parents are similar. My dad is piss poor about handling his emotions with everything in his life though. He doesn't seem to understand why he does half the things he does, so how would I expect any different with me? He refuses to face his fears. He won't even go to the doctor anymore because he doesn't want the bad news he will undoubtedly hear. So, as with everything, including his daughter, his master plan is burying his head in the sand and wondering why he can't see.

 

[Anarchy]

I will never understand how they justify that behaviour. They seem to think that's it just 'tough love', but it's entirely hypocritical.
It just doesn't make sense to make a suicidal person feel more suicidal because you don't want them to be suicidal...
The worst part is when you wonder if you really are different to them or not.

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

Your parents are emotionally abusive. I don't think it is tough love, really.

The problem with this kind of abuse is that it doesn't change unless they find new ways to interact and deal with you. It's like language. If a person speaks French their whole life, they won't be able to speak Spanish all of a sudden even if they really want to. They will always resort to what they know.

Is there anyone else in your life who will listen and be supportive?

 

[Anarchy]

Your parents are emotionally abusive. I don't think it is tough love, really.

The problem with this kind of abuse is that it doesn't change unless they find new ways to interact and deal with you. It's like language. If a person speaks French their whole life, they won't be able to speak Spanish all of a sudden even if they really want to. They will always resort to what they know.


Is there anyone else in your life who will listen and be supportive?

I suspected that they might be emotionally abusive, but then my twin has an okay relationship with them.
There isn't anyone. The only person who was ever supportive of me has ignored me for good.
I don't have friends. Hell, I don't even have acquintances. The only people I speak to are my parents and sister, but I tend to avoid them, and I don't really have conversations with them. I have a conversation a few times a week or so.

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

Well you've got friends here. And i might recommend a website called loveisrespect.org. Recognizing abuse is complicated especially when it's mixed in with acts of love.

 

[Anarchy]

Thanks for the recommendation. I'll make sure to check it out.
I recognised that it might be abuse a while back, but it's hard to differentiate between emotional abuse and bad parenting.

 

[Breelia]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

My parents were the same. My mum banned me from seeing the school counsellor when my mum got a call to say 'this girl needs help'.

I instead of helping me I was strip searched for alcohol, cigarettes and cutting instruments every day.

 

[Anarchy]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

My parents were the same. My mum banned me from seeing the school counsellor when my mum got a call to say 'this girl needs help'.

I instead of helping me I was strip searched for alcohol, cigarettes and cutting instruments every day.

Thanks. I'm sorry you experienced it also.
It angers me when people think that the best way to make someone feel better is to use force and control, or otherwise mistreat them.

 

[lv-gras]

sorry you are going through this. yes that is not good if not straight emotional abuse.

 

[Anarchy]

sorry you are going through this. yes that is not good if not straight emotional abuse.

Thanks. Do you know what emotional abuse classes as? You'd think my sister would have problems with them too if it were abuse.
They believe that care, and I think they care about me as their offspring despite not really knowing me.
They don't change their behaviour.
Maybe it's more a case of them being unreasonable people and bad parents, not abuse.
I don't know, it feels like emotional abuse at times but I thought abuse was more about having bad intentions. Is there such thing as accidental emotional abuse?

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

Thanks. Do you know what emotional abuse classes as? You'd think my sister would have problems with them too if it were abuse.
They believe that care, and I think they care about me as their offspring despite not really knowing me.
They don't change their behaviour.
Maybe it's more a case of them being unreasonable people and bad parents, not abuse.
I don't know, it feels like emotional abuse at times but I thought abuse was more about having bad intentions. Is there such thing as accidental emotional abuse?

Great question. Do you feel loved and respected by them? Or do you feel controlled, invalidated, hurt? If you ask for change and a more helpful approach do you feel heard and listened to? Or does the blame always fall on you? Do you feel you can be open and genuine with your thoughts and feelings? Or is it safer to hide or act like someone else? Take some time to think about it and of course there will be grey areas.

Also, you and your siblings are individuals so you may not react to things the same way. You have different temperaments, needs, sensitivities. That is normal.

My experience in life tells me that if you question whether treatment towards you is fair, very often it isn't. Don't be afraid to own when it isn't.

 

[Anarchy]

I don't feel loved or respected by them, but I know that they genuinely believe that they love and respect me.
I've told them which behaviour I don't like and why in arguments, and I've told them as calmly as I can, but they act the same.
I told them that their getting frustrated at me makes me feel worse. I told the mental health professional and I think it was mentioned in this mental health meeting.
They still act frustrated with me most of the time. They don't seem to try to be more patient.
They say that they can't help being frustrated and that anyone would be frustrated in their situation. So it's just because they can't handle their emotions well.
They get frustrated with me for not getting better. They frustratedly say that they want to see me make progress and that I'm not helping myself, and that I isolate myself.
I don't feel controlled by them much because I barely interact with them, but I don't argue with them anymore because the last time we had a major arguement, they wanted to have me sectioned for half a year.
I always feel invalidated by them because they tend to dismiss what I say. If I say that I don't like them shouting at me, they say that I shout at them, and that I shouted at them first.
My dad said once that I don't do anything and that nothing is mine, and when I told my mum, she said that he's angry because he loves me.
They don't seem malicious, just very pathetic and offensive. To me, calling them malicious would be like calling an insect evil...I'm not sure if they're capable of being abusive.

 

[Breelia]

Can you get a family therapist or some kind of mediator involved? It sounds like you need someone to advocate for you.

 

[Anarchy]

Family therapy was offered, but it didn't work out. The therapist wasn't good at their job, the sessions were too short, the approach was all wrong...it was a complete failure.
I've told the mental health professionals that I want to move out as soon as possible and estrange myself from my parents. They suggested assissted living to me but said that it might not be possible. I'd hate assissted living anyway.

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

It sounds like you have a choice to make: stay with your parents with the possibility of no change, or leave and risk your survival/try to be independent. It sounds like the first therapist failed but it does take time to find a competent therapist, especially one who is skilled enough NOT to simply defer to the parent's take on things in family sessions.

It is hard for people to change but sometimes they do if they have a compelling reason to. If you believe your parents truly love you (as you said before) but don't know how to communicate better, it might be worth exploring therapy one more time. This time with someone who will be fair to you. After all, if you're considering death why not say you tried everything you could to make things better? And how do your parents feel about your desire to emancipate?

The burden of all this shouldn't necessarily fall on you but what if you brought it up with your parents that you're interested in trying again and seeing what happens? They may also recognize something is still wrong. You know your family far better than us but it is just an idea. I'd hate for them to be a sole reason you're ctb'ing.

P.S. Who offered the referral to assisted living? A social worker?

 

[Anarchy]

It sounds like you have a choice to make: stay with your parents with the possibility of no change, or leave and risk your survival/try to be independent. It sounds like the first therapist failed but it does take time to find a competent therapist, especially one who is skilled enough NOT to simply defer to the parent's take on things in family sessions.

It is hard for people to change but sometimes they do if they have a compelling reason to. If you believe your parents truly love you (as you said before) but don't know how to communicate better, it might be worth exploring therapy one more time. This time with someone who will be fair to you. After all, if you're considering death why not say you tried everything you could to make things better? And how do your parents feel about your desire to emancipate?

The burden of all this shouldn't necessarily fall on you but what if you brought it up with your parents that you're interested in trying again and seeing what happens? They may also recognize something is still wrong. You know your family far better than us but it is just an idea. I'd hate for them to be a sole reason you're ctb'ing.

P.S. Who offered the referral to assisted living? A social worker?

They're far from the sole reason for my ctbing, but let's just say that if I were to live alone, I would probably feel less desire to cbt.
I tried to run away from them before once, but that wasn't well thought out at all, and I ended up in hospital on IV fluids for a week.
I'd have no idea what to do if I were to run away again, other than kill myself. I'd be paranoid about getting caught and returned. My parents don't seem to suspect anything at the moment, and I want to keep it that way.
I don't think family therapy would work, anyway. They know that I hate them being frustrated with me, but they still are.
They'd say that they'd change their behaviour but act the same, or deny that they did anything wrong.
I don't like or respect my parents, and I'm pretty sure that nothing will change that. Sometimes they can be alright, but that doesn't make much difference because they are just generally insensitive and entitled people.
I don't think it's a lack of communication so much as their inability to understand and change.
The only way that my parents would be people who don't make me wamt to cbt, is if they were to become different people.
I've not told my parents that I want to be estranged from them, because that would undoubtedly cause arguments and for them to denounce me for wanting to abandon them. They wouldn't understand why and would probably believe that my wanting to estrange myself from them is a sign that I'm not getting better.
They'd get angry with me, and if it causes a really major argument, they might want to have me sectioned, or think that I'm getting worse and admonish me for that.

My family don't recognise that there's a major long-term problem with us; they don't want to believe it and they probably think it's just me being illogical and moody because of my depression. I've told them clearly that there's a problem and why, but they just don't listen, or if they accept it in the moment, they seem to completely forget that afterwards.

My case worker at the time mentioned assisted living; that was only because I told them that I couldn't stand them and wanted to move out and be estranged from them as soon as possible.

 

[GoneSeptember2018]

They're far from the sole reason for my ctbing, but let's just say that if I were to live alone, I would probably feel less desire to cbt.
I tried to run away from them before once, but that wasn't well thought out at all, and I ended up in hospital on IV fluids for a week.
I'd have no idea what to do if I were to run away again, other than kill myself. I'd be paranoid about getting caught and returned. My parents don't seem to suspect anything at the moment, and I want to keep it that way.
I don't think family therapy would work, anyway. They know that I hate them being frustrated with me, but they still are.
They'd say that they'd change their behaviour but act the same, or deny that they did anything wrong.
I don't like or respect my parents, and I'm pretty sure that nothing will change that. Sometimes they can be alright, but that doesn't make much difference because they are just generally insensitive and entitled people.
I don't think it's a lack of communication so much as their inability to understand and change.
The only way that my parents would be people who don't make me wamt to cbt, is if they were to become different people.
I've not told my parents that I want to be estranged from them, because that would undoubtedly cause arguments and for them to denounce me for wanting to abandon them. They wouldn't understand why and would probably believe that my wanting to estrange myself from them is a sign that I'm not getting better.
They'd get angry with me, and if it causes a really major argument, they might want to have me sectioned, or think that I'm getting worse and admonish me for that.

My family don't recognise that there's a major long-term problem with us; they don't want to believe it and they probably think it's just me being illogical and moody because of my depression. I've told them clearly that there's a problem and why, but they just don't listen, or if they accept it in the moment, they seem to completely forget that afterwards.

My case worker at the time mentioned assisted living; that was only because I told them that I couldn't stand them and wanted to move out and be estranged from them as soon as possible.

Okay. I guess only you can decide how to proceed forward.

 

[Tiburcio]

@Anarchy, I've been reading a lot of your post lately and I understand perfectly how are you suffering. Sometimes I read tgis and I wonder if I'm not taking a look to my own past. Everything you endured, I did it too. It's absolute hell. They don't understand anything and they will ever justify all the bad things they will do against us. In my case, they justified it with insults and physical attacks too and I will never forget or forgive that.

Having parents who don't understand a fuck and force us for everything is one of the most killing and frustrating experiences I ever faced.

I just want to wish you some luck living in this house and everything gets better as soon as possible.

 

[Anarchy]

@Anarchy, I've been reading a lot of your post lately and I understand perfectly how are you suffering. Sometimes I read tgis and I wonder if I'm not taking a look to my own past. Everything you endured, I did it too. It's absolute hell. They don't understand anything and they will ever justify all the bad things they will do against us. In my case, they justified it with insults and physical attacks too and I will never forget or forgive that.

Having parents who don't understand a fuck and force us for everything is one of the most killing and frustrating experiences I ever faced.

I just want to wish you some luck living in this house and everything gets better as soon as possible.

It is hell. They are completely unreasonable beings. I think there are too many people who like their family and don't want to hurt them no matter how much they are mistreated by them, because they're family. It doesn't make sense why you should accept mistreatment more because you live with them through no choice of your own.

Thanks, hopefully I will leave them behind soon enough in my death.
I hope everything gets better for you as well.